What To Do? part 2
by know-it-all-bookworm
Summary: Obviously a sequel. They finished book one. What will Dumbledore decide? Moera has a surprise for the group. More insane comments from the Marauders. Not to mention the twins. Click here to join the insanity...erm...book club.
1. Chapter 1

****

OKAY! I know I just posted the last chapter of WTD, but I was inspired when I wrote it, and so continued with this. I hope you like it. CACKLES EVILLY, RUBBING HANDS TOGETHER IN GLEE.

- - -

_LAST TIME IN "WHAT TO DO?"…_

_Just then, Moera walked in making the room go silent._

"_So…I see you are done with the first book. What have you decided?" she asked Dumbledore._

**RETURNING TO OUR MOTLEY CREW OF PRANKSTERS, PROFESSORS, MUGGLES, STUDENTS, AND VILLAGE IDIOTS…**

_**HEY! I'M NOT AN IDIOT! THAT'S MY FATHER…I'M JUST A HALF-WIT.**_

**SORRY…AND ONE VILLAGE HALF-WIT…BETTER?**

_**YES, THANK YOU.**_

**YOU'RE WELCOME. NOW BACK TO THE SHOW…**

"Nothing has changed. As we all can see…young Mr. Potter has turned out to be a kind and caring young man. I see no reason to change the situation," Dumbledore said, despite the glares he was getting from people.

Moera sighed. "Just so you know," she turned to face the Dursleys. "The reason we're all here is to convince the Headmaster to send Harry to live with his nearest magical relations."

"No more Potter?" Vernon asked gleefully.

"No more Harry," she confirmed.

"Now _that's _a noble cause! I'm in!" he beamed.

"Excellent."

"What's going to happen now?" Ree asked. "We can't just leave, nothing's changed."

Moera smiled. "Book two is going to happen now!"

A book appeared on the table.

"Thank you, Athena," she said. "You will now be reading 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets'."

Ginny shuddered.

"And…I also have a…gift…of sorts for Mr. Potter," Moera smiled at him. "I have…erm…borrowed someone from Heaven for the time being."

"Borrowed?" Harry asked arching a brow.

"Yes," she confirmed. "In fact, he's been begging to come here since he found out what we are trying to do."

"Who is it?" Harry asked.

Moera's eyes twinkled in a way that was uncannily similar to the Headmaster's. "I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to the newest addition to our 'funhouse'."

A man appeared in the middle of the room.

"HARRY!" he cried out happily.

"I don't believe it!" Harry said, grinning wider than he had in ages.

* * *

**HIDDEN MOVIE QUOTES, FOR TEN POINTS!**

**PLEASE WRITE SOMETHING FOR THE STORY CHALLENGES IN "100 Ways" AND IN "HARRY POTTER AND THE SECRETS HE'S KEPT". THE WINNERS GET LOTS OF POINTS FOR THEIR HOUSES! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! THANKS!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Last time…**_

"_And…I also have a…gift…of sorts for Mr. Potter," Moera smiled at him. "I have…erm…borrowed someone from Heaven for the time being."_

"_Borrowed?" Harry asked arching a brow._

"_Yes," she confirmed. "In fact, he's been begging to come here since he found out what we are trying to do."_

"_Who is it?" Harry asked._

_Moera's eyes twinkled in a way that was uncannily similar to the Headmaster's. "I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to the newest addition to our 'funhouse'."_

_A man appeared in the middle of the room._

"_HARRY!" he cried out happily._

"_I don't believe it!" Harry said, grinning wider than he had in ages._

- - -

**Continuing…**

"Cedric!" Harry cried out.

The two boys/men/whatever hugged in a "manly" way with lots of back-slaps.

"So help me, Harry, if you don't stop blaming yourself for my death, I'll send Myrtle to haunt you whenever you need to use the loo!" Cedric said, glaring a little at Harry.

Harry winced. "That's just mean, Ced. I suppose I have no choice then."

"None whatsoever," Cedric said.

Someone cleared their throat noisily.

"Care to introduce us?" Charles asked.

"Right," Harry said. "Everyone, this is Cedric Diggory. Cedric, this is my mom, Lily Evans; my dad, James Potter; you've met an older Remus Lupin…"

"And more recently, Sirius Black," Cedric added, nodding at him.

"This is my Aunt Petunia," Harry continued, "my Uncle Vernon; my cousin Dudley; my Grandmum, Ree Potter; and her husband, my Granddad, Charles Potter; you already know the Weasleys, Draco, Neville, Luna, and the professors."

"And I know Moera," Cedric said. "She makes the best oatmeal cookies." He sighed.

Sirius opened his mouth, "Could I…"

"If you're good," Moera said.

"Thanks."

"Now then," Moera said. "I will be leaving to visit my mother now…"

Everyone exchanged looks at this.

"…and I will, once again, be leaving Arthur in charge." That said, she left.

"I guess that means it's time to get started then," Arthur said, looking stunned.

Everyone took their seats, with Cedric sitting in between Charles and Neville.

"I believe it's my turn to read now," Charles said.

"Behave," Ree warned as she handed him the book.

"Yes, dear."

**Chapter One: The Worst Birthday**

Mrs. Weasley's eyes welled up.

**Not for the first time, an argument had broken out over breakfast at number four, Privet Drive. Mr. Vernon Dursley** **had been woken in the early hours of the morning by a loud, hooting noise from his nephew Harry's room.  
**

"**Third time this week!" he roared across the table. "If you can't control that owl, it'll have to go!"  
**  
**Harry tried, yet again, to explain.**

"**She's **_**bored**_**," he said. "She's used to flying around outside. If I could just let her out at night – "  
**

"That's inhumane, keeping an owl indoors all the time!" Lily yelled.

"Cruelty to animals!" Hermione snapped.

"You're a poopy-head!" Sirius added his two Knuts.

Everyone stared at him in shock.

"You mean he was _always _like this?" Cedric asked Harry.

Harry responded weakly, "Apparently so."

"**Do I look stupid?" snarled Uncle Vernon,  
**

"YES!" the Marauders, Harry included, and the twins chorused.

Vernon turned purple.

…**a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.**

"Yuck!" Lily and Ginny chorused this time.

"**I know what'll happen if that owl's let out."  
**

"_Mail?_" Draco said in a 'like-duh' kind of voice.

**He exchanged dark looks with his wife, Petunia.  
**  
**Harry tried to argue but his words were drowned by a long, loud belch from the Dursleys' son, Dudley.  
**  
Molly muttered loudly, "No manners!"

Petunia flushed in embarrassment.

"**I want more bacon."**

"**There's more in the frying pan, sweetums," said Aunt Petunia,** **turning misty eyes on her massive son.**

"Hold on!" Ginny said suddenly. "Wasn't 'Sweetums' the name of that puppet thingy in that movie?"

"Yes," Hermione confirmed. "I can't believe you actually remember that. We watched it over a year ago."

Ginny muttered something about 'frogs' but no one could understand her.

"**We must feed you up while we've got the chance ... I don't like the sound of that school food ..."  
**  
Everyone stared at Dudley. Then stared at Harry. Then did it again, and stared at Petunia.

As one they all gave her Severus' patented 'Arched Brow of Doom'.

She shivered nervously.

"**Nonsense, Petunia, I never went hungry when I was at Smeltings," said Uncle Vernon heartily. "Dudley gets enough, don't you, son?"**

**Dudley, who was so large his bottom drooped over either side of the kitchen chair, grinned and turned to Harry.**

Various sounds of disgust could be heard emanating from the girls.**  
**

"**Pass the frying pan."  
**

"What happened to the word 'please'?" Molly asked.

"**You've forgotten the magic word," said Harry irritably. **

**The effect of this simple sentence on the rest of the family was incredible: Dudley gasped and fell off his chair with a crash that shook the whole kitchen; Mrs. Dursley gave a small scream and clapped her hands to her mouth; Mr. Dursley jumped to his feet, veins throbbing in his temples.**

"Dramatic much?" Draco asked, staring at the Dursleys in disgust.

"**I meant 'please'!" said Harry quickly. "I didn't mean – "**

"**WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU," thundered his uncle, spraying spit over the table,**

Ginny turned green.

"**ABOUT SAYING THE 'M' WORD IN OUR HOUSE?"  
**  
Dumbledore leapt to his feet in a rage, though why he hadn't done this before astounded people.

"DURSLEY!" he cried out. "You prejudiced, bullying monster!" His voice lowered into a deadly whisper that was more terrifying than his rage. "I am reconsidering placing Harry with you. Please remember that you will _not _be paid the monthly stipend for his care if that occurs."

Vernon turned an odd shade of puce. His mustache twitched. "The money's not worth it," he said at last. "Send the boy to an orphanage for all I care."

A bowl of lemon drops, a goblet of lemonade, and two slices of lemon cake appeared in front of Dumbledore.

He sat down and began to eat, and slowly his rage abated.

"**But I – "**

"**HOW DARE YOU THREATEN DUDLEY!" roared Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his fist.**

"**I just – "**

"**I WARNED YOU! I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!"  
**  
McGonagall huffed like an angry bull.

**Harry stared from his purple-faced uncle to his pale aunt, who was trying to heave Dudley to his feet.  
**

"**All right," said Harry, "**_**all right**_** ..."**

**  
Uncle Vernon sat back down, breathing like a winded rhinoceros and watching Harry closely out of the corners of his small, sharp eyes.**

Lily eyed the fat man. "I can take him," she muttered angrily.

James looked at her, impressed.

**Ever since Harry had come home for the summer holidays, Uncle Vernon had been treating him like a bomb that might go off at any moment, because Harry **_**wasn't**_** a normal boy. As a matter of fact, he was as not normal as it is possible to be.**

Harry groaned. "Why can't I be normal?" He buried his face into his girlfriend's shoulder. "WHY?" he wailed.

**  
Harry Potter was a wizard – a wizard fresh from his first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And if the Dursleys were unhappy to have him back for the holidays, it was nothing to how Harry felt.  
**  
"Ungrateful whelp!" Petunia hissed.

**He missed Hogwarts so much it was like having a constant stomachache. He missed the castle, with its secret passageways and ghosts, his classes (Though perhaps not Snape, the Potions master),  
**  
Severus smirked.

…**the post arriving by owl, eating banquets in the Great Hall, sleeping in his four-poster bed in the tower dormitory, visiting the gamekeeper, Hagrid, in his cabin next to the Forbidden Forest, and, especially, Quidditch, the most popular sport in the wizarding world (six tall goalposts, four flying balls and fourteen players on broomsticks).**

The Potter males sighed.

**  
All Harry's spell books, his wand, robes, cauldron, top-of-the-line Nimbus Two Thousand broomstick had been locked in a cupboard under the stairs by Uncle Vernon the instant Harry had come home.  
**

"W-what about his homework?" McGonagall stammered in her heavy Scottish accent.

**What did the Dursleys care if Harry lost his place in the house Quidditch team because he hadn't practiced all summer?  
**  
Sirius snorted. "Quidditch Prodigy," he sang out.

**What was it to the Dursleys if Harry went back to school without having any of his homework done? **

Severus looked mad enough to curse the Dursleys, so Minerva confiscated his wand.

**The Dursleys were what wizards called Muggles (not a drop of magical blood in their veins) and as far as they were concerned, having a wizard in the family was a matter of deepest shame.  
**

"Too right," Vernon muttered, giving a sharp nod in agreement.

**Uncle Vernon had even padlocked Harry's owl, Hedwig, inside her cage, to stop her carrying messages to anyone in the wizarding world.  
**

Draco looked astonished that anyone could be that cruel to family…well, aside from his own Aunt Bellatrix.

**Harry looked nothing like the rest of the family. Uncle Vernon was large and neckless, with an enormous black mustache; Aunt Petunia was horse-faced and bony; Dudley was blond, pink and porky.  
**

The Dursleys blushed.

**Harry, on the other hand, was small and skinny, with brilliant green eyes and jet-black hair that was always untidy. He wore round glasses, and on his forehead was a thin, lightning-shaped scar.**

**  
It was this scar that made Harry so particularly unusual, even for a wizard.** **This scar was the only hint of Harry's very mysterious past, of the reason he had been left on the Dursleys' doorstep eleven years before.**

Petunia sniffed angrily.

**  
At the age of one year old, Harry somehow survived a curse from the greatest Dark sorcerer of all time, Lord Voldemort, whose name most witches and wizards still feared to speak.**

"Which is stupid!" Harry declared, making his viewpoint on the subject known yet again.

**Harry's parents had died in Voldemort's attack, but Harry had escaped with his lightning scar, and somehow – nobody understood why – Voldemort's powers had been destroyed the instant he had failed to kill Harry.**

**So Harry had been brought up by his dead mother's sister and her husband.  
**

"And he was a nuisance too," Petunia declared frowning.

**He had spent ten years with the Dursleys, never understanding why he kept making odd things happen without meaning to, believing the Dursleys' story that** **he had got his scar in the car crash which had killed his parents. And then, exactly a year ago, Hogwarts had written to Harry, and the whole story had come out.**

Harry snorted. "'Whole story'…yeah right!"

**Harry had taken up his place at wizard school, where he and his scar were famous ... but now the school year was over, and he was back at the Dursleys for the summer, back to being treated like a dog that had rolled in something smelly.  
**

"HEY!" Sirius yelled suddenly. "This author is _clearly _anti-dog, and I resent that!"

"No, Padfoot, but you do _resemble _that," Remus said, smirking.

Sirius transformed into a dog, making Petunia scream, and growled at his friend.

**The Dursleys hadn't even remembered that today happened to be Harry's twelfth birthday. Of course, his hopes hadn't been high; they'd never given him a real present, let alone a cake – but to ignore it completely ...  
**  
"To your own nephew!" Lily snapped at her sister. "How could you be so cruel?"

Petunia flinched a little, but otherwise ignored her.

**At that moment, Uncle Vernon cleared his throat importantly and said, "Now, as we all know, today is a very important day."  
**  
Dumbledore perked up a bit at this.

**Harry looked up, hardly daring to believe it.**

"**This could be the day I make the biggest deal of my career," said Uncle Vernon. **

Harry blushed a little at actually wanting some recognition from his so-called family.

**Harry went back to his toast. **_**Of course,**_** he thought bitterly, **_**Uncle Vernon was talking about the stupid dinner party.**_** He'd been talking of nothing else for** **two weeks. Some rich builder and his wife were coming to dinner and Uncle Vernon was hoping to get a huge order from him (Uncle Vernon's company made drills).  
**

"Shouldn't his product do the selling for him?" Minerva asked incredulously. "Why do you need to have a dinner party to sell something? Unless perhaps you were trying to sell dishes?"

Petunia turned pink.

"**I think we should run through the schedule one more time," said Uncle Vernon.**

"YOU can THINK?" Sirius asked incredulously.

Vernon's mustache twitched, and he looked pointedly in the opposite direction from where Sirius was sitting.

"**We should all be in position at eight o'clock. Petunia, you will be -?"**

"**In the lounge," said Aunt Petunia promptly, "waiting to welcome them graciously to our home."  
**

"**Good, good. And Dudley?"**

"**I'll be waiting by the door," Dudley put on a foul, simpering smile. "May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"**

Draco shuddered at this. "Do you aspire to have your son work as a butler?" he asked Vernon, smirking at the walrus' purple face.

"**They'll **_**love**_** him!" cried Aunt Petunia rapturously.**

"Only if Dudley was adopted, and Mrs. Mason was his biological mother," George said.

"What is _that _supposed to mean?" Petunia hissed.

Fred piped in, "What my dear twin is trying to say, is that your son is a person that only a mother could love. And what's more, he could only be loved by the one who donated to his DNA."

Petunia looked like she wanted to throw something, and Molly was glaring at Fred, making him shrink down in his seat.

"**Excellent, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon. Then he rounded on Harry. "And you?"  
**

"**I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I'm not there," said Harry tonelessly.  
**  
"WHAT?" Molly yelled, leaping out of her seat.

Arthur was struggling to keep her from physically attacking the Muggle couple.

Molly kept spitting out words, "Birthday…you evil…die…starving…" and more. Finally she ended by spitting out, "Bitch!"

"Mum!" Charlie said impressed, and the twins just looked gleeful.

"**Exactly," said Uncle Vernon nastily. "I will lead them into the lounge, introduce you, Petunia, and pour them drinks. At eight fifteen – "**

"**I'll announce dinner," said Aunt Petunia.**

"**And Dudley, you'll say – "**

"**May I take you through to the dining room, Mrs. Mason?" said Dudley, offering his fat arm to an invisible woman.  
**  
"You planned it down to the minute?" Neville asked confusedly. "You people are idiots."

"**My perfect little gentleman!" sniffed Aunt Petunia.**

"**And you?" said Uncle Vernon viciously to Harry.**

"**I'll be in my room, making no noise and pretending I'm not there," said Harry dully.  
**

"Hag!" this came from Ree, who was steadily turning the bright red of the Hogwarts Express.

"**Precisely. Now, we should aim to get in a few good compliments at dinner. Petunia, any ideas?"  
**

"**Vernon tells me you're a **_**wonderful **_**golfer, Mr. Mason ... **_**Do**_** tell me where you bought your dress, Mrs. Mason ..."**

Sirius stuck his finger in his mouth and made fake gagging sounds.

"**Perfect ... Dudley?"  
**

"**How about: 'We had to write about our hero at school, Mr. Mason, and **_**I **_**wrote about **_**you**_**.'"  
**  
"Oh come on," Luna said. "No one would _ever _believe that!"

This proved to be too much for both Harry and Draco. They burst into violent laughter.

**This was too much for both Aunt Petunia and Harry.  
**  
And for the twins, who joined Harry and Draco in side-splitting, tears-pouring-down-their-faces laughter.

**Aunt Petunia burst into tears and hugged her son, while Harry ducked under the table so they wouldn't see him laughing.  
**

"_That's _what you were doing under there?" Vernon asked.

"Yes," Harry said between laughs.

"And here I thought you were just a little off in the head," he muttered.

Ron joined them in laughter, remembering the rumors at the beginning of this last school year.

"**And you, boy?"  
**  
**Harry fought to keep a straight face as he emerged.**

"I don't blame you," Severus said, grinning blissfully.

"**I'll be in my room, making no noise and pretending I'm not there," he said.**

"**Too right you will," said Uncle Vernon forcefully. "The Masons don't know anything about you and it's going to stay that way. When dinner's over, you take Mrs. Mason back to the lounge for coffee, Petunia, and I'll bring the subject round to drills. With any luck, I'll have the deal signed and sealed before the news at ten. We'll be shopping for a holiday home in Majorca this time tomorrow."**

James smirked.

"What are you so happy about?" Lily asked.

"We own half the businesses in Majorca," James explained.

"Every time the Dursleys go shopping there they will be paying Harry," Charles finished, a smirk identical to James' on his face.

**Harry couldn't feel too excited about this. He didn't think the Dursleys would like him any better in Majorca than they did in Privet Drive.  
**

"Too right," Vernon agreed.

"**Right – I'm off into town to pick up the dinner jackets for Dudley and me. And **_**you**_**," he snarled at Harry. "You stay out of your aunt's way while she's cleaning."  
**

**Harry left through the back door. It was a brilliant, sunny day. He crossed the lawn, slumped down on the garden bench and sang under his breath:**

"**Happy birthday to me ... happy birthday to me ..."**

A sniffle was heard emanating from Professor McGonagall's general direction.

All who knew her were stunned to see her crying.

She turned and said something to Professor Dumbledore in words so heavily accented that no one could understand them except the man they were directed at.

Dumbledore nodded once, and the conversation was over.

**No cards, no presents and he would be spending the evening pretending not to exist.  
**  
Ree looked ready to murder Petunia, and the twins were glaring at the hippo and his son with such intensity that Dudley was hard pressed to keep from soiling himself.

**He gazed miserably into the hedge. He had never felt so lonely. More than anything else at Hogwarts, more even than playing Quidditch, Harry missed his best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. They, however, didn't seem to be missing him at all.  
**

"Oh, Harry," Hermione sobbed into her hands.

**Neither of them had written to him all summer, even though Ron had said he was going to ask Harry to come and stay.**

"WHAT?" James yelled glaring at the two.

"Dad, it wasn't their fault," Harry started to explain. "You'll find out why soon enough."

"Okay…I'll give you two the benefit of the doubt for now, but be warned…" he trailed off, alternating threatening looks at them.

**Countless times, Harry had been on the point of unlocking Hedwig's cage by magic and sending her to Ron and Hermione with a letter, but it wasn't worth the risk. Underage wizards weren't allowed to use magic outside school. Harry hadn't told the Dursleys this; he knew it was only their terror that he might turn them all into dung beetles that stopped them locking him in the cupboard under the stairs with his wand and broomstick.**

Lily growled menacingly, and even Luna was glaring at the Dursleys.

**For the first couple of weeks back, Harry had enjoyed muttering nonsense words under his breath and watching Dudley tearing out of the room as fast as his legs would carry him.  
**  
Dudley blushed at this.

**But the long silence from Ron and Hermione had made Harry feel so cut off from the magical world that even taunting Dudley had lost its appeal – and now Ron and Hermione had forgotten his birthday.  
**

"OH," Hermione wailed loudly, burying her face in Fred's shoulder.

Fred tugged his girlfriend onto his lap, and gentle murmured into her ear, smoothing her hair back. He pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead as she started to calm down.

**What wouldn't he give now for a message from Hogwarts? From any witch or wizard? He'd almost be glad of a sight of his arch-enemy, Draco Malfoy, just to be sure it hadn't all been a dream ...**

"Wow, Harry, you were desperate, weren't you," Ron said, smirking at Draco.

Draco sneered at him in response.

**Not that his whole year at Hogwarts had been fun. At the very end of last term, Harry had come face to face with none other than Lord Voldemort himself. Voldemort might be a ruin of his former self, but he was still terrifying, still cunning, still determined to regain power. Harry had slipped through Voldemort's clutches for a second time, but it had been a narrow escape, and even now, weeks later, Harry kept waking in the night, drenched in cold sweat, wondering where Voldemort was now, remembering his livid face, his wide, mad eyes ...**

Dudley squeaked in terror.

"Oh, get over it!" Neville snapped at the fat boy.

Dudley shrank back and stared at Neville in fear.

**  
Harry suddenly sat bolt upright on the garden bench. he had been staring absent-mindedly into the hedge – **_**and the hedge was staring back**_**. Two enormous green eyes had appeared among the leaves.  
**

"Why would a house-elf be standing in the bushes of a Muggle home?" Cedric asked.

"How'd you know it was a house-elf?" Harry asked in shock.

"Enormous green eyes, hiding in a Muggle area, I think it was fairly obvious," Cedric said, shrugging.

**Harry jumped to his feet just as a jeering voice floated across the lawn.**

"**I know what day it is," sang Dudley, waddling towards him.**

"Wow," George said, "he got smarter, didn't he Harry. I seem to recall you telling us stories of him being late to school because he slept in, thinking it was a Saturday."

"I was seven when that happened," Dudley defended.

"I hate to break it to you, Duds," Harry said, "But most kids know the days of the week _before _they start school."**  
**  
**The huge eyes blinked and vanished.  
**

"**What?" said Harry, not taking his eyes off the spot where they had been.**

"**I know what day it is," Dudley repeated, coming right up to him.**

"Awfully bold of you to approach someone you thought could give you another pig's tail," Sirius said.

Dudley paled.

"**Well done," said Harry. "So you've finally learned the days of the week."  
**  
The twins snickered.

"**Today's your **_**birthday**_**," sneered Dudley. "How come you haven't got any cards? Haven't you got any friends at that freak place?"  
**  
Severus sneered at Dudley. "Better to have no friends than lackeys," he said.

"**Better** **not let your mum hear you talking about my school," said Harry coolly. **

**Dudley hitched up his trousers, which were slipping down his fat bottom.**

Ginny looked ill. "I did _not _need to know that," she said.

"**Why're you staring at the hedge?" he said suspiciously.**

"**I'm trying to decide what would be the best spell to set it on fire," said Harry.**

The twins stared at Harry worshipfully. "You're our hero," they sighed together.

"Shut up," Harry said.

"**You c-can't – Dad told you you're not to do m-magic – he said he'll chuck you out of the house – and you haven't got anywhere else to go – you haven't got any **_**friends **_**to take you – "**

"That's just cruel," Luna snapped.

"_**Jiggery pokery!**_**" said Harry in a fierce voice. "**_**Hocus pocus**_** – **_**squiggly wiggly**_** – "**

Arthur allowed himself to smile at this. As a rule, he hated Muggle-baiting, but he made an exception for this particular family.

"**MUUUUUUM!" howled Dudley, tripping over his feet as he dashed back toward the house. "MUUUUM! He's doing you know what!"**

"Moron," Hermione muttered.

**Harry paid dearly for his moment of fun. As neither Dudley nor the hedge was in any way hurt, Aunt Petunia knew he hadn't really done magic,** **but he still had to duck as she aimed a heavy blow at his head with the soapy frying pan.**

Ree and Lily both glared at Petunia.

"_That _is abuse," Ree said.

Lily added, "What if the blow had landed?"

**Then she gave him work to do, with the promise he wouldn't eat again until he'd finished.**

"_THAT'S WHY HE ARRIVED AT OUR HOUSE HALF-STARVED? _BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T FEED HIM!" Molly yelled. She let out a wild scream like a banshee, and Arthur struggled to keep her from murdering the Muggle woman.

"I need help right now," he muttered, still struggling with his wife.

Bill Weasley appeared suddenly in the middle of the room.

"Not again," the curse-breaker moaned. He gave a deep sigh then cast a calming charm on his mother.

It wasn't enough to completely stop her anger, but it calmed her down enough to sit and just glare at Petunia.

"So…Bill," George said suddenly.

"What did you mean," continued Fred.

"By saying, 'not," George added.

"Again'," Fred finished.

Bill opened his mouth then shut it. He opened it then shut it again.

"Oh…go ahead," a voice from above said in annoyance.

"Thank you, Athena," Bill said, making everyone stare at him strangely.

He thought for a moment then said, "I can't tell you the whole story, it would take too long, so I'll have to summarize it."

He paused.

"Let's just say…it involves a time-turner, two bottles of Firewhiskey…Mum, don't stare at me that way…" he coughed a little, "a gorgeous brunette, a match, a rival from school days, a curse, and…" he blushed, "a giant vat of honey."

Bill paused a moment. "That sounded terrible, and I'm sure you'll draw the wrong conclusions from it, but…oh well."

"Hey, Cedric, long time, no see," he said, sitting next to the younger man and shaking his hand.

"Bill," Cedric responded. "How's…Raven?"

"Just fine," Bill replied, smiling. "Obsessed with books, as usual."

"Who is Raven?" Molly asked, distracted from glaring at the Dursleys.

Bill ignored her. "The books have a rather…_different_ subject for her though."

"Ah yes," Cedric said, "I heard a rumor about that. One or two? There were two different sets of rumors."

"Two."

"Wow," Cedric said in awe.

"Can we continue now?" Minerva asked, annoyed.

**While Dudley lolled around watching and eating ice cream, Harry cleaned the windows, washed the car, mowed the lawn, trimmed the flowerbeds, pruned and watered the roses, and repainted the garden bench.**

"They treat you worse than Lucius treats our house-elves," Draco said in shock.

"I didn't have to punish myself though," Harry said.

"I think the cupboard under the stairs was punishment enough to cover that part of the comparison," Draco defended his viewpoint.

Harry considered this. "Perhaps," he conceded.

**The sun blazed overhead, burning the back of his neck. Harry knew he shouldn't have risen to Dudley's bait, but Dudley had said the very thing Harry had been thinking himself ... maybe he **_**didn't**_** have any friends at Hogwarts ...**

Hermione didn't sob this time, but both she and Ron looked stricken.

_**Wish they could see famous Harry Potter now,**_** he thought savagely, as he spread manure on the flowerbeds, his back aching, sweat running down his face.**

Sirius turned into a dog and started barking and growling at the Dursleys. It was obvious that he was _barely _restraining himself from attacking them. He _really _wanted those oatmeal cookies.

**It** **was half past seven in the evening when at last, exhausted, he heard Aunt Petunia calling him.**

"**Get in here! And walk on the newspaper!"**

**Harry moved gladly into the shade of the gleaming kitchen. On top of the fridge stood tonight's pudding: a huge mound of whipped cream and sugared violets. A joint of roast pork was sizzling in the oven.**

"**Eat quickly! The Masons will be here soon!" snapped Aunt Petunia, pointing to two slices of bread and a lump of cheese on the kitchen table.**

Minerva cast an ugly look at the horse-like woman.

**She was already wearing a salmon-pink cocktail dress.**

"UGHH," Lily moaned. "That color looks _terrible _on you," she told Petunia, who sniffed haughtily.

**Harry washed his hands and bolted down his pitiful supper. The moment he had finished, Aunt Petunia whisked away his plate. "Upstairs! Hurry!"**

**As he passed the door to the living room, Harry caught a glimpse of Uncle Vernon and Dudley in bow-ties and dinner jackets. He had just reached the upstairs landing when the doorbell rang and Uncle Vernon's furious face appeared at the foot of the stairs.**

"**Remember, boy – one sound ..."**

James glared. "I'll haunt you Dursley," he hissed in a low tone that seemed louder than Molly's screaming had earlier.

Vernon paled dangerously. He looked almost as pasty as a vampire.

**Harry crossed to his bedroom on tiptoe, slipped inside, closed the door and turned to collapse on his bed.**

**The trouble was, there was already someone sitting on it.**

"The house-elf," Cedric said.

"Do tell," Bill said in an interested tone.

So, while Cedric explained the story thus far to his older friend, everyone started to eat the feast that had suddenly appeared on the table. Complete with Moera's famous oatmeal cookies.

Draco was getting his first taste of a Pepsi.

* * *

**Let me know if you want me to write the story of Bill's Great Adventure.**

**15 Points: Name the actress who played Moaning Myrtle.**


	3. Chapter 3

After everyone had finished the meal (and several people had burped), Bill took the book from Charles and began to read.

**Chapter Two: Dobby's Warning **

Draco groaned. "I hate my father. I hate my father. I hate my father," he said, burying his face in his hands.

The Marauders exchanged curious looks at this.

**Harry managed not to shout out, but it was a close thing. The little creature on the bed had large, bat-like ears and bulging green eyes the size of tennis balls. **

"What's tennis?" Neville asked confused.

"It's a game. The players hold rackets that are shaped a bit like a lollipop with woven mesh in the center, and they hit a small ball about the size of a fist back and forth over a net. If the ball hits the ground more than once on a single side of the net, then the person on the other side wins points," Hermione said. "I'm really not sure about the finer details of the game though." She frowned.

**Harry knew instantly that this was what had been watching him out of the garden hedge that morning. **

"Ten points for Hufflepuff!" Cedric cheered, grinning at being correct.

**As they stared at each other, Harry heard Dudley's voice from the hall. **

"**May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"**

Draco snickered. "He'll make a decent butler, Dursley," he said to Vernon, who turned an odd shade of puce.

**The creature slipped off the bed the bed and bowed so low that the end of its long, thin nose touched the carpet. Harry noticed that it was wearing what looked like an old pillowcase, with rips for arms and leg holes. **

Draco winced. "Good Merlin, that makes my family look terrible!" he declared.

"**Er - hello," said Harry nervously. **

"**Harry Potter!" said the creature in a high-pitched voice Harry was sure would carry down the stairs. "So long has Dobby wanted to meet you, sir ... Such an honor it is ..."**

"Aaww," Lily cooed. "That is so sweet."

Harry blushed.

"**Th-thank you," said Harry, edging along the wall and sinking into his desk chair, next to Hedwig, who was asleep in her large cage. He wanted to ask, "What are you?" but thought it would sound too rude, so instead he said, "Who are you?"**

"At least you showed _some _credit to your raising," Petunia said in a snooty tone.

"More like it shows credit to his parentage," Minerva said in her heavy Scottish brogue.

"**Dobby, sir. Just Dobby. Dobby the house-elf," said the creature. **

"**Oh – really?" said Harry. "Er – I don't want to be rude or anything, but – this isn't a great time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom."**

"But then again," Harry said thoughtfully, "there is _never _a good time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom. That time was just worse than normal."

"Glad I don't have your life, Potter," Draco said with none of the arrogance from before.

**Aunt Petunia's high, false laugh sounded from the living room. The elf hung his head. **

"Oh, poor dear," Lily said.

"**Not that I'm not pleased to meet you," said Harry quickly, "but, er, is there any particular reason you're here?"**

"Good question," Severus said, nodding his approval.

"**Oh, yes, sir," said Dobby earnestly. "Dobby has come to tell you, sir ... it is difficult, sir ... Dobby wonders where to begin ..." **

"**Sit down," said Harry politely, pointing at the bed. **

Sirius stared at Harry in shock. "Oh, boy… This is going to get a little emotional, isn't it?"

"You have _no _idea," Harry said, shaking his head and grinning.

**To his horror, the elf burst into tears - very noisy tears**.

"I knew it," Sirius said. "I…Padfoot the Great…am always right!"

"OW!" he said a moment later, after Lily had whacked the back of his head.

"_**S-sit down!**_**" he wailed. "**_**Never ... never ever ...**_**"**

"I'm _so embarrassed_," Draco said, burying his face in his hands.

**Harry thought he heard the voices downstairs falter. **

"**I'm sorry," he whispered, "I didn't mean to offend you or anything –" **

"That's _my _son," Lily said, eyes glistening.

Molly looked at Harry with pride as well. She had always counted him as her seventh son.

Cedric looked thoughtful. "You act more like a Hufflepuff than a Gryffindor most of the time. Loyal and Hardworking…Sure you are brave and all, but really a badger can be quite ferocious when cornered."

"Did you mess with my Sorting, Dumbledore?" Harry asked, arching a brow at the old man.

Dumbledore looked a little green. "Erm…"

"I see," Harry said. His eyes narrowed and he hissed something in Parseltongue that made Snape snicker.

"Do you speak Parseltongue, Severus?" Minerva asked.

Snape shook his head. "Don't have to. I used Legilimency on him."

"So what did he say?" James asked.

"Something that is not fit for present company," Severus said. He snickered again. "I'm never going to think of goats the same way again."

"**Offend Dobby!" choked the elf. "Dobby has never been asked to sit down by a wizard – like an **_**equal**_** –"**

"Aaww!" Lily said again.

Draco looked ill.

**Harry, trying to say "Shh!" and look comforting at the same time, ushered Dobby back onto** **the bed where he sat hiccoughing, looking like a large and very ugly doll. **

**At last he managed to control himself, and sat with his great eyes fixed on Harry in an expression of watery adoration. **

"_cough_Sap_cough_!" Sirius choked out.

"**You can't have met many decent wizards," said Harry, trying to cheer him up.**

"You have a different idea of 'decent' than most wizards, Harry," Ree said with pride. "And that's part of what makes you such an amazing young man."

**Dobby shook his head. Then, without warning, he leapt up and started banging his head furiously on the window, shouting, "**_**Bad**_** Dobby! **_**Bad**_** Dobby!" **

Hermione's eyes welled up with tears. "Oh!" she gasped, burying her face in Fred's shirt.

"**Don't – what are you doing?" Harry hissed, springing up and pulling Dobby back onto the bed – Hedwig had woken up with a particularly loud screech and was beating her wings wildly against the bars of her cage. **

"Uh-Oh!" George said loudly in an ominous tone, making the girls groan (and in some cases, throw remnants of dinner at him).

"**Dobby had to punish himself, sir," said the elf, who had gone slightly cross-eyed. "Dobby almost spoke ill of his family, sir ..."**

"**Your family?"**

"**The wizard family Dobby serves, sir ... Dobby is a house-elf – bound to serve one house and one family for ever ..."**

Hermione growled ferociously at this and began to mutter things under her breath that involved the words S.P.E.W., Malfoy, cauldron, and cricket bats. Judging from the look on Fred's face, whatever she said was bad news for Lucius Malfoy.

"**Do they know you're here?" asked Harry curiously.**

**Dobby shuddered. **

"**Oh no, sir, no ... Dobby will have to punish himself most grievously for coming to see you, sir. Dobby will have to shut his ears in the oven door for this. If they ever knew, sir –" **

Draco flinched.

The other purebloods, who were used to house-elves, looked ill at this.

"**But won't they notice if you shut your ears in the oven door?"**

"No," Draco said, embarrassed. "We wouldn't have noticed anything, especially Lucius. He'd punish Dobby for obeying him."

"**Dobby doubts it, sir. Dobby is always having to punish himself for something, sir. They lets Dobby get on with it, sir. Sometimes they reminds me to do extra punishments ..."**

"See," the Malfoy heir said, looking upset at being right.

"**But why don't you leave? Escape?"**

"Magic sometimes makes things so much worse rather than better," Lily commented sadly.

"**A house-elf must be set free, sir. And the family will never set Dobby free ... Dobby will serve the family until he dies, sir ..."**

Harry smirked. "Not true," he said smugly.

Snape looked oddly impressed at this.

**Harry stared. **

"**And I thought I was had it bad by staying here for another four weeks," he said. "This makes that Dursleys sound almost human. Can't anyone help you? Can't I?"**

"And here come the waterworks," Sirius said knowingly.

**Almost at once, Harry wished he hadn't spoken. Dobby dissolved again into wails of gratitude. **

"**Please," Harry whispered frantically, "please be quiet. If the Dursleys hear anything, if they know you're here ..."**

James and Lily exchanged looks, somehow knowing that was the precursor to something bad.

"**Harry Potter asks if he can help Dobby ... Dobby has heard of your greatness, sir, but of your goodness, Dobby never knew ..."**

"Nice fan club," Remus commented.

"Hey, at least I get cool socks every Christmas," Harry muttered.

"Huh," the Marauder said in confusion.

Harry shook his head. "Never mind, you'll see," he responded.

**Harry, who was feeling distinctly hot in the face, said, "Whatever you've heard about my greatness is a load of rubbish. I'm not even top of my year at Hogwarts, that's Hermione, she –"**

"Oh, Harry," Hermione said, teary eyed. "You're so modest! Don't you remember what I said before you confronted Quirrell?"

"Yes," Harry replied, "but I'm not as good at magic as you!"

"Not true," she replied. "You performed a Patronus in your third year, and you've always beat me in Defense. Honestly, you don't give yourself enough credit. Besides, you were always holding back, and not really trying to study. I expect that if you had not lived with _them_," she spat out, indicating the Dursleys, "you would never have held yourself back, and would have been beyond top in our year. Also, look at your wandless magic. I can't do that, and you make it seem effortless."

Harry still did not look convinced.

"With any luck," Minerva interjected, "he won't be raised by _them_, and he'll reach his full potential. Only then will we truly know just how powerful you are, Harry." This put an end to the conversation, and Bill began to read again.

**But he stopped quickly, because thinking about Hermione was painful. **

Hermione looked teary eyed again.

"**Harry Potter is humble and modest," said Dobby reverently, his orb-like eyes aglow. "Harry Potter speaks not of his triumph over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."**

"I expect that if Dobby and Colin Creevey got together I would never be able to go anywhere without having my picture taken, and one or both of them gushing about me," Harry said, looking a cross between amused and disgusted.

Draco of course, snickered at this.

"**Voldemort?" said Harry. **

**Dobby clapped his hands over his bat ears and moaned, "Ah, speak not the name, sir! Speak not the name!"**

"**Sorry," said Harry quickly. "I know lots of people don't like it – my friend Ron ..."**

**He stopped again, thinking about Ron was painful, too. **

Ron flinched and, not for the first time, regretted his idiotic jealousy of his best friend.

**Dobby leaned towards Harry, his eyes wide as headlights. **

"**Dobby heard tell," he said hoarsely, "that Harry Potter met the Dark lord for a second time, just weeks ago ... that Harry Potter escaped **_**yet again**_**." **

James looked very proud of Harry at being reminded of his son's bravery.

**Harry nodded and Dobby's eyes suddenly shone with tears. **

"**Ah, sir," he gasped, dabbing his face with a corner of the grubby pillowcase he was wearing. "Harry Potter is valiant and bold! He has braved so many dangers already! But Dobby has come to protect Harry Potter, to warn him, even if he **_**does**_** have to shut his ears in the oven door later ... **_**Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts**_**."**

"That's ridiculous!" James snapped. "Harry will _not _miss school!" He leapt to his feet and looked at his son quite sternly. "Do you understand me, young man? No missing school!"

Charles and Ree stared at their son in shock. They had never before seen him act so maturely.

Meanwhile, Harry was staring at his father with wide eyes. He dumbly nodded, obviously in shock over being parented.

James sat down, seemingly satisfied with Harry's response.

**There was a silence broken only by the chink of knives and forks from downstairs and the distant rumble of Uncle Vernon's voice. **

"**W-what?" Harry stammered. "But I've got to go back – term starts on September the first. It's all that's keeping me going. You don't know what it's like here. I don't **_**belong**_** here. I belong in your world – at Hogwarts." **

"That's right!" James encouraged.

"**No, no, no," squeaked Dobby, shaking his head so hard his ears flapped. "Harry Potter must stay where he is safe. He is too great, too good, to lose. If Harry Potter goes back to Hogwarts, he will be in mortal danger."**

"I am heartily sick of the words 'it's for your own good'!" Harry snapped. "If people would only tell me _why _they think _that_, then maybe we could come up with an alternative!"

Ginny hugged her boyfriend, hoping to distract him from why he was really upset.

Tears welled in Harry's eyes, and he clung to Ginny. After a long moment, they let go, and Bill continued.

"**Why?" said Harry in surprise. **

"**There is a plot, Harry Potter. A plot to make most terrible things happen at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year," whispered Dobby, suddenly trembling all over. **

"When isn't there a plot for that?" Harry asked, rolling his eyes.

"**Dobby has known it for months, sir. Harry Potter must not put himself in peril. He is too important, sir!"**

"**What terrible things?" said Harry at once. "Who's plotting them?"**

**Dobby made a funny choking noise and then banged his head madly against the wall. **

"Obviously he tried to disobey his master," Sirius said, looking grim.

Remus and James nodded in agreement.

"**All right!" cried Harry, grabbing the elf's arm to stop him. "You can't say, I understand. But why are you warning **_**me**_**?"**

"Good question," Severus said. He was beginning to think about taking Harry on as an apprentice of sorts. He certainly wouldn't mind mentoring a boy with the amount of potential he could see in Harry.

**A sudden, unpleasant thought struck him. "Hang on – this hasn't got anything to do with Vol- – sorry – with You-Know-Who, has it? You could just shake or nod," he added hastily, as Dobby's head tilted worryingly close to the wall again. **

Severus nearly beamed at Harry before he caught himself.

**Slowly, Dobby shook his head. **

"**Not – not **_**He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named**_**, sir."**

**But Dobby's eyes were wide and he seemed to be trying to give Harry a hint. Harry, however, was completely lost.**

"I wonder…" Dumbledore muttered, a look of contemplation on his face.

"**He hasn't got a brother, has he?"**

**Dobby shook his head, his eyes wider than ever. **

"**Well then, I can't think who else would have a chance of making horrible things happen at Hogwarts," said Harry. "I mean, there's Dumbledore, for one thing – you know who Dumbledore is, don't you?" **

**Dobby bowed his head. **

"**Albus Dumbledore is the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever had. Dobby knows it, sir. Dobby has heard Dumbledore's powers rival those of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named at the height of his strength. But sir," Dobby's voice dropped to an urgent whisper, "there are powers Dumbledore doesn't ... power no decent wizard ..."**

"And that is why the Dark Lord was always feared," Severus said as though summing up a lesson.

**And before Harry could stop him, Dobby bounded off the bed, seized Harry's desk lamp and started beating himself around the head with ear-splitting yelps. **

"Uh-oh," Ron muttered under his breath.

**A sudden silence fell downstairs. **

"That can't be good," James said.

**Two seconds later Harry, heart thudding madly, heard Uncle Vernon coming into the hall, calling, "Dudley must have left his television on again, the little tyke!"**

"Oh, Hippogriff Excrement, this is bad!" Charlie said, sensing danger.

"**Quick! In the closet!" hissed Harry, stuffing Dobby in, shutting the door and flinging himself onto the bed just as the door handle turned. **

"**What – the – **_**devil**_** – are – you – doing?" said Uncle Vernon through gritted teeth, his face horrible close to Harry's. **

"Eugh," Lily said, grimacing in disgust.

"**You've just ruined the punch line of my Japanese golfer joke ... one more sound and you'll wish you'd never been born, boy!"**

The Weasley boys all glared at Vernon at this.

**He stomped flat-footed from the room. **

**Shaking, Harry let Dobby out of the closet. **

"**See what it's like here?" he said. "See why I've got to go back to Hogwarts? It's the only place I've got – well, I **_**think**_** I've got friends."**

"Oh," Hermione gasped out again. She climbed into Fred's lap and buried her face in his chest.

"**Friends who don't even **_**write**_** to Harry Potter?" said Dobby slyly. **

"AHA!" Severus said loudly.

"**I expect they've just been – wait a minute," said Harry frowning. "How do you know my friends haven't been writing to me?"**

Severus was certain now.

**Dobby shuffled his feet. **

"**Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby – Dobby did it for the best –" **

Harry cringed at those words.

"_**Have you been stopping my letters?**_**"**

"Watch out! He's gonna blow!" George yelled out dramatically. He fell out of his chair for effect.

"**Dobby has them here, sir," said the elf. Stepping nimbly out of Harry's reach, he pulled a thick wad of envelopes from the inside of the pillowcase he was wearing. **

**Harry could make out Hermione's neat writing, Ron's untidy scrawl, and even a scribble that looked as though it was from the Hogwarts gamekeeper, Hagrid.**

"Good old Hagrid," Lily said fondly.

**Dobby blinked up anxiously at Harry. **

"**Harry Potter mustn't be angry ... Dobby hoped ... if Harry Potter thought his friends had forgotten him ... Harry Potter might not want to go back to school, sir ..."**

**Harry wasn't listening. He made a grab for the letters, but Dobby jumped out of reach. **

"**Harry Potter will have them, sir, if he gives Dobby his word that he will not return to Hogwarts. Ah, sir, this is a danger you must not face! Say you won't go back, sir!"**

"Don't do it, Harry!" Sirius encouraged.

"**No," said Harry angrily. "Give me my friends' letters!"**

"**Then Harry Potter leaves Dobby no choice," said the elf sadly. **

**Before Harry could move, Dobby had darted to the bedroom door, pulled it open – and sprinted down the stairs. **

"And… He's off! Down the stairs, and he hangs a right… Look at him go!" George said like a horse race announcer.

**Mouth dry, stomach lurching, Harry sprang after him, trying not to make a sound. **

**He jumped the last six steps, landing cat-like on the carpet, looking around for Dobby.**

"And Harry's a step behind him! He leaps over the obstacle! Wow, look at him go! They're nearing the finish line!" George continued, leaning forward in excitement.

**From the dining room he heard Uncle Vernon saying, "... tell Petunia that very funny story about those American plumbers, Mr. Mason, she's been dying to hear ..."**

**Harry ran up the hall into the kitchen and felt his stomach disappear. **

"And he crosses the finish line…" George trailed off.

**Aunt Petunia's masterpiece of a pudding, the mountain of cream and sugared violets, was floating up near the ceiling. **

"And comes in second place!" George finished, "Too bad, Harry!"

**On top of a cupboard in the corner crouched Dobby. **

"**No," croaked Harry. "Please ... they'll kill me ..."**

"**Harry Potter must say he's not going back to school –"**

"**Dobby ... please ..." **

"**Say it, sir –" **

"**I can't!"**

**Dobby gave him a tragic look. **

"This is gonna be bad," Neville said, cringing in sympathy.

"**Then Dobby must do it, sir, for Harry Potter's own good."**

**The pudding fell to the floor with a heart-stopping crash. Cream splattered the windows and walls as the dish shattered. With a crack like a whip, Dobby vanished. **

The Dursleys looked shocked.

**There were screams from the dining room and Uncle Vernon burst into the kitchen to find Harry, rigid with shock, covered from head to foot in Aunt Petunia's pudding. **

The Marauders looked ill. They knew all too well what looking guilty like that would mean, though maybe not to the extent the Dursleys would take it.

**At first, it looked as though Uncle Vernon would manage to gloss the whole thing over. ("Just our nephew – very disturbed – meeting strangers upsets him, so we kept him upstairs ...")**

James growled in anger, glaring at Vernon.

**He shooed the shocked Masons back into the dining room, promised Harry he would flay him to within an inch of his life when the Masons had left, and handed him a mop. Aunt Petunia dug up some ice cream out of the freezer and Harry, still shaking, started scrubbing the kitchen clean. **

**Uncle Vernon might still have been able to make his deal – if it hadn't been for the owl. **

"Oh, dear," Luna murmured in her dreamy tone.

**Aunt Petunia was just handing round a box of after-dinner mints when a huge barn owl swooped through the dining room window, dropped a letter on Mrs. Mason's head and swooped out again. **

"Uh-oh," Lily said.

**Mrs. Mason screamed like a banshee and ran from the house, shouting about lunatics. Mr. Mason stayed just long enough to tell the Dursleys that his wife was mortally afraid of birds of all shapes and sizes, and to ask whether this was their idea of a joke. **

The twins cringed.

**Harry stood in the kitchen, clutching the mop for support as Uncle Vernon advanced on him, a demonic glint in his tiny eyes. **

Sirius looked pale, knowing from his own experiences what demonic glints usually resulted in.

"**Read it!" he hissed evilly, brandishing the letter the owl had delivered. "Go on – read it!"**

**Harry took it. It did not contain birthday greetings. **

_**Dear Mr. Potter, **_

_**We have received intelligence that a Hover Charm was used in your place of residence this evening at twelve minutes past nine. **_

James winced.

_**As you know, underage wizards are not permitted to perform spells outside school, and further spellwork on your part may lead to expulsion from said school (Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery, 1875, Paragraph C). **_

"You know, they track underage magic by location," Fred commented.

"What do you mean?" Hermione hissed.

Fred gulped nervously. "If it's in an adult witch or wizard's house they assume the adult did it."

"So you mean that only the Muggle-born or raised students get those letters?" she snapped angrily.

He nodded his head.

"THAT IS BLATANT PREJUDICE!" she screamed. "Purebloods can do magic all the time! And we can't even practice during the summer!" She let out a horrible scream of rage that made the room shake.

_**We would also ask you to remember that any magical activity that risks notice by members of the non-magical community (Muggles) is a serious offense, under section 13 of the International Confederation of Warlocks' Statute of Secrecy. **_

Arthur quoted this portion of the letter. It would seem he was quite familiar with that statute.

_**Enjoy your holidays! **_

"Yeah right!" Harry said sarcastically.

_**Yours sincerely, **_

_**Mafalda Hopkirk**_

_**Improper Use of Magic Office **_

_**Ministry of Magic **_

"-al Morons," George added.

**Harry looked up from the letter and gulped. **

"**You didn't tell us you weren't allowed to use magic outside school," said Uncle Vernon, a mad gleam dancing in his eyes. "Forgot to mention it ... slipped your mind, I dare say ..."**

"And so ended my short-lived protection from my supposed 'family'," Harry said.

**He was bearing down on Harry like a great bulldog, all his teeth bared. "Well, I've got news for you, boy ... I'm locking you up ... you're never going back to that school ... never ... and if you try and magic yourself out – they'll expel you!"**

Lily screamed in rage. "YOU BASTARD!" she yelled.

Molly was not far behind her. "LOCKING UP A CHILD… YOUR OWN NEPHEW! HOW COULD YOU?" she yelled.

While Arthur cast a calming charm on his wife, Bill cast one on Lily as James was going to let her have her way with the Muggles.

James' eyes were gleaming in rage. He didn't do a thing, but when Vernon Dursley looked him in the eye, he was chilled to his bone marrow.

**And laughing like a maniac, he dragged Harry back upstairs. **

**Uncle Vernon was as bad as his word. The following morning, he paid a man to fit bars on Harry's window. **

Minerva glared at the Headmaster for ever allowing a child to placed with those barbarians.

**He himself fitted the cat-flap in the bedroom door, so that small amounts of food could be pushed inside three times a day. **

"More like once," Harry muttered softly, but not soft enough that the whole table wouldn't hear it.

**They let Harry out to use the bathroom morning and evening. Otherwise, he was locked in his room around the clock. **

Fred and George looked murderous. Sirius was planning how best to murder the elder Dursleys; and Remus began to show his wolfish side.

Petunia alone noticed the look on Remus' face, and she began to worry if she would live to see her next birthday.

**Three days later, the Dursleys were showing no sign of relenting, and Harry couldn't see any way out of his situation. He lay on his bed watching the sun sinking behind the bars on the window and wondered miserably what was going to happen to him. **

Minerva glared at her boss.

**What was the good of magicking himself out of his room if Hogwarts would expel him for doing it? Yet life at Privet Drive had reached an all-time low. Now the Dursleys knew they weren't going to wake up as fruit bats, he had lost his only weapon. Dobby might have saved Harry from horrible happenings at Hogwarts, but the way things were going, he'd probably starve to death anyway. **

Ginny began to curse under her breath, to Harry's amusement. He was learning new words from her.

**The cat-flap rattled and Aunt Petunia's hand appeared, pushing a bowl of canned soup into the room. Harry, whose insides were aching with hunger, jumped off the bed and seized it. **

Luna gave the Dursleys a disgusted look.

**The soup was stone-cold, but he drank half of it in one gulp. Then he crossed the room to Hedwig's cage and tipped the soggy vegetables at the bottom of the bowl into her empty food tray. She ruffled her feathers and gave him a look of deep disgust. **

"Poor thing," Charlie commented.

"**It's no good turning your beak up at it, that's all we've got," said Harry grimly.**

**He put the empty bowl back on the floor next to the cat-flap and lay back down on the bed, somehow even hungrier than he had been before the soup. **

**Supposing he was still alive in another four weeks, what would happen if he didn't turn up at Hogwarts? Would someone be sent to see why he hadn't come back? Would they be able to make the Dursleys let him go? **

"YES!" Minerva yelled out, as though trying to convince the younger Harry to not give up hope.

**The room was growing dark. Exhausted, stomach rumbling, mind spinning over the same unanswerable questions, Harry fell into an uneasy sleep. **

**He dreamed that he was on show in a zoo, with a card reading **_**Underage Wizard**_** attached to his cage. People goggled through the bars at him as he lay, starving and weak, on a bed of straw. He saw Dobby's face in the crowd and shouted out, asking for help, but Dobby called, "Harry Potter is safe there, sir!" and vanished. Then the Dursleys appeared and Dudley rattled the bars of the cage, laughing at him. **

Dudley looked ill. Even he could figure out that what they had done to Harry was wrong.

"**Stop it," Harry muttered, as the rattling pounded in his sore head. "Leave me alone ... cut it out ... I'm trying to sleep ..." **

**He opened his eyes. Moonlight was shining through the bars on the window. And someone **_**was**_** goggling through the bars at him: a freckle-faced, red-haired, long-nosed someone. **

Ron turned pink.

**Ron Weasley was outside Harry's window.**

"How'd they manage that," Bill muttered to himself.

Cedric took the book from him, saying, "Let's find out."


	4. Chapter 4

Cedric cleared his throat and began to read.

**Chapter Three: The Burrow**

The twins, Ron and Ginny began to cheer and whistle loudly, and Harry began to clap.

This lasted for several minutes until Minerva said, "Really! That is _quite _enough!"

The group of five all cringed and said, "Yes, Ma'am."

"_**Ron!**_**" breathed Harry, creeping to the window and pushing it up so they could talk through the bars. "Ron, how did you — What the —?"**

"What is it? What is it?" Sirius asked excitedly.

**Harry's mouth fell open as the full impact of what he was seeing hit him. Ron was leaning out of the back window of an old turquoise car, which was parked **_**in midair**_**.**

Bill, Charlie and Cedric exchanged looks of mischief.

"_Arthur_!" Molly Weasley said warningly, having pushed the memory of the car to the back of her mind in recent years. Truth be told, she had never really had it out with her husband on the subject.

"_Dear_, I wasn't planning on _actually _flying it," Arthur tried to explain.

"_That_ is entirely beside the point! Some fine example for our sons you are!" she snapped, making her husband cringe.

"The future me has a flying motorcycle," Sirius said randomly.

"See," Arthur said, "I'm not the only one!"

Molly glared at Sirius, making the Marauder crawl under the table to avoid her gaze.

Hermione and Lily both crossed their legs again to keep a certain Marauder from being able to see up their skirts.

**Grinning at Harry from the front seats were Fred and George, Ron's elder twin brothers.**

The Weasley twins began to wolf-whistle, cheer and applaud, much to the annoyance of the women.

"**All right, Harry?" asked George.**

"Of course he's not all right!" Lily snapped. "He's been locked in a tiny room with very little to eat for days! How would you be?"

"**What's been going on?" said Ron. "Why haven't you been answering my letters? I've asked to stay about twelve times, and then Dad came home and said you'd got an official warning for using magic in front of Muggles —"**

"**It wasn't me — and how did he know?"**

"I work for the Ministry," Arthur explained, shrugging.

"**He works for the Ministry," said Ron. "You **_**know**_** we're not supposed to do spells outside school —"**

"Stupid law really," Bill commented, shaking his head. "The kids should be able to practice their schoolwork. Besides, it's just another stupid pure-blood law to put the Muggle-borns at a disadvantage."

"I agree!" Hermione said firmly. She then muttered something under her breath that caused Fred to suddenly kiss her deeply.

"She said, 'Damn Pureblood bigots!'" he said in pride.

"**You should talk," said Harry, staring at the floating car.**

"**Oh, this doesn't count," said Ron. "We're only borrowing this. It's Dad's, **_**we**_** didn't enchant it. But doing magic in front of those Muggles you live with —"**

"He should have done magic _to _the Muggles, not just in front of them," Charles muttered, flinching away from his wife when she glared at him.

"**I told you, I didn't — but it'll take too long to explain now — look, can you tell them at Hogwarts that the Dursleys have locked me up and won't let me come back, and obviously I can't magic myself out, because the Ministry'll think that's the second spell I've done in three days, so —"**

"Smart boy," Lily said with pride, beaming at Harry.

Harry blushed at this.

"**Stop gibbering," said Ron. "We've come to take you home with us."**

"**But you can't magic me out either —"**

"**We don't need to," said Ron, jerking his head toward the front seat and grinning. "You forget who I've got with me."**

"Would've been easier though if Ickle Gin-Gin was with us," Fred commented.

Ginny arched a brow at this. "Since when do you _dare _to call me 'Ickle Gin-Gin'!" she snapped.

Fred shrank back from his sister's glare. "S-sorry G-Ginny," he stammered out.

"I'll let it go this time, but if it happens again…" her words trailed off in an unnamed threat.

"Moving on," Cedric said before beginning to read again.

"**Tie that around the bars," said Fred, throwing the end of a rope to Harry.**

"**If the Dursleys wake up, I'm dead," said Harry as he tied the rope tightly around a bar and Fred revved up the car.**

"**Don't worry," said Fred, "and stand back."**

"Easy for you to say," Harry commented. "You didn't live with them."

**Harry moved back into the shadows next to Hedwig, who seemed to have realized how important this was and kept still and silent.**

"I've never met an owl as intelligent as yours, Harry," Charlie said. "I think there's more to your owl than meets the eye."

"It wouldn't surprise me," Harry said. "I swear sometimes it's as though she talks to me without words."

When it appeared as though that line of conversation was over, Cedric continued.

**The car revved louder and louder and suddenly, with a crunching noise, the bars were pulled clean out of the window as Fred drove straight up in the air. Harry ran back to the window to see the bars dangling a few feet above the ground. Panting, Ron hoisted them up into the car. Harry listened anxiously, but there was no sound from the Dursleys' bedroom.**

**When the bars were safely in the back seat with Ron, Fred reversed as close as possible to Harry's window.**

"You know, he's a pretty good driver, Mr. Weasley," Harry commented. "For someone raised with little contact with Muggles, he and George sure catch onto Muggle things quickly."

Arthur Weasley looked quite proud of the twins at this.

"**Get in," Ron said.**

"**But all my Hogwarts stuff — my wand — my broomstick —"**

"**Where is it?"**

"**Locked in the cupboard under the stairs, and I can't get out of this room —"**

Sirius growled and glared at the Dursleys.

"**No problem," said George from the front passenger seat. "Out of the way, Harry."**

**Fred and George climbed catlike through the window into Harry's room. You had to hand it to them, thought Harry, as George took an ordinary hairpin from his pocket and started to pick the lock.**

**"A lot of wizards think it's a waste of time, knowing this sort of Muggle trick," said Fred, "but we feel they're skills worth learning, even if they are a bit slow."**

"See," Harry said.

"I'm doomed," Severus groaned loudly.

McGonagall just nodded in agreement, looking rather pale.

The Marauders, on the other hand, looked very impressed.

**There was a small click and the door swung open.**

"**So — we'll get your trunk — you grab anything you need from your room and hand it out to Ron," whispered George.**

"**Watch out for the bottom stair — it creaks," Harry whispered back as the twins disappeared onto the dark landing.**

"A true Marauder," James said, puffing out his chest in pride. Remus nodded in agreement.

"That's _my _godson," Sirius said, beaming.

**Harry dashed around his room, collecting his things and passing them out of the window to Ron. Then he went to help Fred and George heave his trunk up the stairs. Harry heard Uncle Vernon cough.**

**At last, panting, they reached the landing, then carried the trunk through Harry's room to the open window. Fred climbed back into the car to pull with Ron, and Harry and George pushed from the bedroom side. Inch by inch, the trunk slid through the window.**

"It was hard work too," George muttered.

Neville looked sympathetic. "I can imagine. It's bad enough carrying around a full trunk, never mind trying to be quiet while doing it." He shuddered slightly.

"Hard work is its own reward, especially when Snorckacks are involved," Luna said dreamily.

**Uncle Vernon coughed again.**

"The coughing is beginning to seem a bit ominous to me," Sirius muttered.

"**A bit more," panted Fred, who was pulling from inside the car. "One good push —"**

**Harry and George threw their shoulders against the trunk and it slid out of the window into the back seat of the car.**

"Beater training is definitely good for us," George commented.

Hermione eyed Fred's biceps. "It certainly is," she said, sighing dreamily.

Charlie and Bill exchanged looks, silently saying to each other, 'Who knew?' and 'It's always the bookish ones.' to each other.

"**Okay, let's go," George whispered.**

**But as Harry climbed onto the windowsill there came a sudden loud screech from behind him, followed immediately by the thunder of Uncle Vernon's voice.**

Charles and James groaned at the exact same time.

"**THAT RUDDY OWL!"**

"**I've forgotten Hedwig!"**

"It's the only time _that's _ever happened," Harry said

**Harry tore back across the room as the landing light clicked on — he snatched up Hedwig's cage, dashed to the window, and passed it out to Ron. He was scrambling back onto the chest of drawers when Uncle Vernon hammered on the unlocked door — and it crashed open.**

Ree began eyeing Vernon as she twirled her wand in her hands.

**For a split second, Uncle Vernon stood framed in the doorway; then he let out a bellow like an angry bull and dived at Harry, grabbing him by the ankle.**

Severus eyed the ceiling and flicked his wand under the table where no one could see it. Vernon turned into an obese gerbil.

Minerva groaned. "Much as I _don't _want to do this…" she said as she flicked her wand, turning the eldest Dursley back into his human form.

**Ron, Fred, and George seized Harry's arms and pulled as hard as they could.**

"That had to hurt," Lily said, wincing sympathetically.

"**Petunia!" roared Uncle Vernon. "He's getting away! HE'S GETTING AWAY!"**

"One would think that they'd be happy about it rather than mad given their previous treatment of him," Bill commented, frowning.

Vernon looked very odd with a thoughtful look on his face, and Petunia looked like she was beginning to fall asleep while sitting up.

**But the Weasleys gave a gigantic tug and Harry's leg slid out of Uncle Vernon's grasp — Harry was in the car — he'd slammed the door shut —**

"**Put your foot down, Fred!" yelled Ron, and the car shot suddenly toward the moon.**

Hermione smiled happily and pecked her boyfriend on the lips.

**Harry couldn't believe it — he was free. He rolled down the window, the night air whipping his hair, and looking back at the shrinking rooftops of Privet Drive. Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley were all hanging, dumbstruck, out of Harry's window.**

"**See you next summer!" Harry yelled.**

"That's my boy!" James and Sirius said together.

Sirius received several strange looks for it, so he shrugged in response and said, "He _is _my godson, you know!"

**The Weasleys roared with laughter and Harry settled back in his seat, grinning from ear to ear.**

"**Let Hedwig out," he told Ron. "She can fly behind us. She hasn't had a chance to stretch her wings for ages."**

"Good of you to remember her," Charlie commented, ever the animal lover.

**George handed the hairpin to Ron and, a moment later, Hedwig soared joyfully out of the window to glide alongside them like a ghost.**

"**So — what's the story, Harry?" said Ron impatiently. "What's been happening?"**

**Harry told them all about Dobby, the warning he'd given Harry and the fiasco of the violet pudding. There was a long, shocked silence when he had finished.**

"Gee, I wonder why?" Draco muttered sarcastically.

"**Very fishy," said Fred finally.**

"**Definitely dodgy," agreed George. "So he wouldn't even tell you who's supposed to be plotting all this stuff?"**

"**I don't thing he could," said Harry. "I told you, every time he got close to letting something slip, he started banging his head against the wall."**

"Poor Dobby," Hermione said, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Don't worry," Fred said, hugging her tighter. "We'll change it so that people can't abuse elves. I promise."

"Thanks," she said, smiling weakly.

**He saw Fred and George look at each other.**

"**What, you think he was lying to me?" said Harry.**

"**Well," said Fred, "put it this way — house-elves have got powerful magic of their own, but they can't usually use it without their master's permission. I reckon old Dobby was sent to stop you coming back to Hogwarts. Someone's idea of a joke. Can you think of anyone at school with a grudge against you?"**

"**Yes," said Harry and Ron together, instantly.**

"**Draco Malfoy," Harry explained. "He hates me."**

"Only some of the time," Draco defended. "The rest of the time I hate him," he indicated Ron.

"**Draco Malfoy?" said George, turning around. "Not Lucius Malfoy's son?"**

"**Must be, it's not a very common name, is it?" said Harry. "Why?"**

"**I've heard Dad talking about him," said George. "He was a big supporter of You-Know-Who."**

"Yep," Draco confirmed. "You-Know-Who is the only person he cares about besides himself."

"**And when You-Know-Who disappeared," said Fred, craning around to look at Harry. "Lucius Malfoy came back saying he'd never meant any of it. Load of dung — Dad reckons he was right in You-Know-Who's inner circle.**

**Harry had heard these rumors about Malfoy's family before, and they didn't surprise him at all. Malfoy made Dudley Dursley look like a kind, thoughtful, and sensitive boy.**

"Gee thanks, Potter," Draco muttered sarcastically.

Harry glared at him. "In my defense, you tend to act like an…"

"Ass, I know," Draco finished in a monotone.

"**I don't know whether the Malfoys own a house-elf…" said Harry.**

"**Well, whoever owns him will be an old wizarding family, and they'll be rich," said Fred.**

"**Yeah, Mum's always wishing we had a house-elf to do the ironing," said George. "But all we've got is a lousy old ghoul in the attic and gnomes all over the garden. House-elves come with big old manors and castles and places like that; you wouldn't catch one in our house…."**

"We don't need a house-elf," Bill said. "The Burrow isn't that big; Mum just hates ironing."

Mrs. Weasley blushed at this.

**Harry was silent. Judging by the fact that Draco Malfoy usually had the best of everything, his family was rolling in wizard gold; he could just see Malfoy strutting around a large manor house. Sending the family servant to stop Harry from going back to Hogwarts also sounded exactly like the sort of thing Malfoy would do. Had Harry been stupid to take Dobby seriously?**

"**I'm glad we came to get you, anyway," said Ron. "I was getting really worried when you didn't answer any of my letters. I thought it was Errol's fault at first —"**

"**Who's Errol?"**

"**Our owl. He's ancient. It wouldn't be the first time he'd collapsed on a delivery. So then I tried to borrow Hermes —"**

"_**Who?**_**"**

"**The owl Mum and Dad bought Percy when he was made prefect," said Fred from the front.**

"**But Percy wouldn't lend him to me," said Ron. "Said he needed him."**

"**Percy's been acting very oddly this summer," said George frowning. "And he **_**has**_** been sending a lot of letters and spending a load of time shut up in his room…I mean, there's only so many times you can polish a prefect badge…You're driving too far west, Fred," he added, pointing at a compass on the dashboard. Fred twiddled the steering wheel.**

"Percy had a girlfriend," George said, laughing as he remembered the many jokes about her that he and Fred had made up during the summer after their fourth year.

"**So, does your dad know you've got the car?" said Harry, guessing the answer.**

"**Er, no," said Ron, "he had to work tonight. Hopefully we'll be able to get it back in the garage without Mum noticing we flew it."**

"Fat chance of that happening," Charlie said. "Mum's too good at catching people out. Sometimes, I think she was in Slytherin."

"Don't be ridiculous," Molly Weasley said, turning pink.

"**What does your dad do at the Ministry of Magic, anyway?"**

"**He works in the most boring department," said Ron. "The Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office."**

Arthur Weasley looked rather let down at this.

"**The **_**what**_**?"**

"**It's all to do with bewitching things that are Muggle-made, you know, in case they end up back in a Muggle shop or house. Like, last year, some old witch died and her tea set was sold to an antiques shop. This Muggle woman bought it, took it home, and tried to serve her friends tea in it. It was a nightmare — Dad was working overtime for weeks."**

"**What happened?"**

"**The teapot went berserk and squirted boiling tea all over the place and one man ended up in the hospital with the sugar tongs clamped to his nose. Dad was going frantic — it's only him and an old warlock called Perkins in the office — and they had to do Memory Charms and all sorts of stuff to cover it up —"**

"He was lucky if he made it home in time for a late dinner each night," Molly commented.

"**But your dad — this car —"**

**Fred laughed. "Yeah, Dad's crazy about everything to do with Muggles; out shed's full of Muggle stuff. He takes it apart, puts spells on it, and puts it back together again. If he raided **_**our**_** house he'd have to put himself under arrest. It drives Mum mad."**

"Actually, it's only illegal if you intended to use the charm on the object. There's a loophole in the law," Arthur said, though still looking rather glum.

"**That's the main road," said George, peering down through the windshield. "We'll be there in ten minutes…Just as well, it's getting light…"**

**A faint pinkish glow was visible along the horizon to the east.**

**Fred brought the car lower, and Harry saw a dark patchwork of fields and clumps of trees.**

"**We're a little way outside the village," said George. "Ottery St. Catchpole."**

**Lower and lower went the flying car. The edge of a brilliant red sun was now gleaming through the trees.**

"**Touchdown!" aid Fred as, with a slight bump, they hit the ground. They had landed next to a tumbledown garage in a small yard, and Harry looked out for the first time at Ron's house.**

"A soccer reference?" Hermione asked her boyfriend in shock. Fred just shrugged.

**It looked as though it had once been a large stone pigpen, but extra rooms had been added here and there until it was several stories high and so crooked it looked as though it were held up by magic (which, Harry reminded himself, it probably was). Four or five chimneys were perched on top of the red roof. A lopsided sign stuck in the ground near the entrance read, THE BURROW. Around the front door lay a jumble of rubber boots and a very rusty cauldron. Several fat brown chickens were pecking their way around the yard.**

"**It's not much," said Ron.**

"**It's **_**wonderful**_**," said Harry happily, thinking of Privet Drive.**

Molly beamed at Harry.

**They got out of the car.**

"**Now, we'll go upstairs really quietly," said Fred, "and wait for Mum to call us for breakfast. Then, Ron, you come bounding downstairs going, 'Mum, look who turned up in the night!' and she'll be all pleased to see Harry and no one need ever know we flew the car."**

Charlie and Bill both snorted, knowing that it would never work.

"**Right," said Ron. "Come on, Harry I sleep at the — at the top —"**

**Ron had gone a nasty greenish color, his eyes fixed on the house. The other three wheeled around.**

**Mrs. Weasley was marching across the yard, scattering chickens, and for a short, plump, kind-faced woman, it was remarkable how much she looked like a saber-toothed tiger.**

Molly blushed, and Arthur, finally looking normal again, said, "That's my wife!" proudly.

"_**Ah**_**," said Fred.**

"**Oh, dear," said George.**

**Mrs. Weasley came to a halt in front of them, her hands on her hips, staring from one guilty face to the next. She was wearing a flowered apron with a wand sticking out of the pocket.**

"_**So**_**," she said.**

"**Morning, Mum," said George, in what he clearly though was a jaunty, winning voice.**

Bill began to laugh under his breath.

"**Have you any idea how worried I've been?" said Mrs. Weasley in a deadly whisper.**

"**Sorry, Mum, but see, we had to —"**

"Oh, shit!" James said, flinching in sympathy.

**All three of Mrs. Weasley's sons were taller than she was, but they cowered as her rage broke over them.**

"_**Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I've lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —"**_

The eldest two Weasley boys looked rather smug at this.

"**Perfect Percy," muttered Fred.**

"Oh, my," Mrs. Weasley said paling. "You two were jealous of the attention we gave Percy for always trying to be the perfect student, when we only ever seemed to be upset with you about one thing or another."

Both of the twins blushed, but neither of them denied it.

Dudley looked around in confusion, not understanding what was going on.

After an awkward silence, Cedric cleared his throat and began to read again.

"**YOU COULD DO WITH TAKING A LEAF OUT OF PERCY'S BOOK!" yelled Mrs. Weasley, prodding a finger in Fred's chest. "You could have **_**died**_**, you could have been **_**seen**_**, you could have lost your father his **_**job**_** —"**

**It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.**

"Oh, you poor dear," Molly murmured, looking at Harry.

"**I'm very pleased to see you, Harry, dear," she said. "Come in and have some breakfast."**

"I'd never before seen someone go from angry to sweet as can be before I met the Weasleys." Harry continued, "Mrs. Weasley can do it, as can Ginny. It kind of scares me a little."

**She turned and walked back into the house and Harry, after a nervous glance at Ron, who nodded encouragingly, followed her.**

**The kitchen was small and rather cramped. There was a scrubbed wooden table and chairs in the middle, and Harry sat down on the edge of his seat, looking around. He had never been in a wizard house before.**

**The clock on the wall opposite him had only one hand and no numbers at all. Written around the edge were things like **_**Time to make tea**_**, **_**Time to feed the chickens**_**, and **_**You're late**_**.**

"Ooh," Lily said, never having seen a clock like that before, either.

**Books were stacked three deep on the mantelpiece, books with titles like **_**Charm Your Own Cheese**_**, **_**Enchantment in Baking**_**, and **_**One Minute Feasts — It's Magic! **_**And unless Harry's ears were deceiving him, the old radio next to the sink had just announced that coming up was "Witching Hour, with the popular singing sorceress, Celestina Warbeck."**

"I love her music," Molly and Ree said together.

**Mrs. Weasley was clattering around, cooking breakfast a little haphazardly, throwing dirt looks at her sons as se threw sausages into the frying pan. Every now and then she muttered things like "don't know **_**what**_** you were thinking of," and "**_**never**_** would have believed it."**

All of the Weasley boys stared at her in shock. This was Fred and George she was talking about.

"**I don't blame **_**you**_**, dear," she assured Harry, tipping eight or nine sausages onto his plate. "Arthur and I have been worried about you, too. Just last night we were saying we'd come and get you ourselves if you hadn't written back to Ron by Friday. But really," (she was now adding three fried eggs to his plate) "flying an illegal car halfway across the country — anyone could have seen you —"**

"Harry was far too skinny for his age, and so short too…" Mrs. Weasley said, glaring at Petunia, who snored at that exact moment.

**She flicked her wand casually at the dishes in the sink, which began to clean themselves, clinking gently in the background.**

"**It was **_**cloudy**_**, Mum!" said Fred.**

"**You keep your mouth closed while you're eating!" Mrs. Weasley snapped.**

"**They were starving him, Mum!" said George.**

"**And you!" said Mrs. Weasley, but it was with a slightly softened expression that she started cutting Harry bread and buttering it for him.**

"I'd never eaten such a large breakfast before in my life," Harry said, smiling happily. "Nobody cooks as good as Mrs. Weasley."

She again blushed.

**At that moment there was a diversion in the form of a small, redheaded figure in a long nightdress, who appeared in the kitchen, gave a small squeal, and ran out again.**

"She was adorable," Harry said and sighed.

"**Ginny," said Ron in an undertone to Harry. "My sister. She's been talking about you all summer."**

"**Yeah, she'll be wanting your autograph, Harry," Fred said with a grin, but he caught his mother's eye and bent his face over his plate without another word. Nothing more was said until all four plates were clean, which took a surprisingly short time.**

"_**Blimey**_**, I'm tired," yawned Fred, setting down his knife and fork at last. "I think I'll go to bed and —"**

Bill and Charlie began to laugh hysterically at this.

"**You will not," snapped Mrs. Weasley. "It's your own fault you've been up all night. You're going to de-gnome the garden for me; they're getting completely out of hand again —"**

"**Oh, Mum —"**

"**And you two," she said, glaring at Ron and Fred. "You can go up to bed, dear," she added to Harry. "You didn't ask them to fly that wretched car —"**

**But Harry, who felt wide awake, said quickly, "I'll help Ron. I've never seen a de-gnoming —" **

Harry grinned. "It's so much fun!" he said, making Ron groan.

"**That's very sweet of you, dear, but it's dull work," said Mrs. Weasley. "Now, let's see what Lockhart's got to say on the subject —"**

"More like Fraudhart," Ron said.

**And she pulled a heavy book from the stack on the mantelpiece. George groaned.**

"**Mum, we know how to de-gnome a garden —"**

**Harry looked at the cover of Mrs. Weasley's book. Written across it in fancy gold letters were the words **_**Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests**_**. There was a big photograph on the front of a very good-looking wizard with wavy blond hair and bright blue eyes. As always in the wizarding world, the photograph was moving; the wizard, who Harry supposed was Gilderoy Lockhart, kept winking cheekily up at them all. Mrs. Weasley beamed down at him.**

"**Oh, he is marvelous," she said. "He knows his household pests, all right, it's a wonderful book…"**

Harry looked ill, and Hermione was blushing in embarrassment.

"**Mum **_**fancies**_** him," said Fred, in a very audible whisper.**

"**Don't be so ridiculous, Fred," said Mrs. Weasley, her cheeks rather pink. "All right, if you think you know better than Lockhart, you can go and get on with it, and woe betide you if there's a single gnome in that garden when I come out to inspect it."**

"The twins probably did know better than him," Harry said.

**Yawning and grumbling, the Weasleys slouched outside with Harry behind them. The garden was large, and in Harry's eyes, exactly what a garden should be. The Dursleys wouldn't have liked it — there were plenty of weeds, and the grass needed cutting — but there were gnarled trees all around the walls, plants Harry had never seen spilling from every flower bed, and a big green pond full of frogs.**

Harry looked blissful.

"**Muggles have garden gnomes, too, you know," Harry told Ron as they crossed the lawn.**

"**Yeah, I've seen those things they think are gnomes," said Ron, bent double with his head in a peony bush, "like fat little Santa Clauses with fishing rods…"**

Hermione snickered under her breath, and Dudley continued to look confused.

**There was a violent scuffling noise, the peony bush shuddered, and Ton straightened up. "**_**This**_** is a gnome," he said grimly.**

"**Gerroff me! Gerroff me!" squealed the gnome.**

**It was certainly nothing like Santa Clause. It was small and leathery looking, with a large, knobby, bald head exactly like a potato. Ron held it at arm's length as it kicked out at him with its horny little feet; he grasped it around the ankles and turned it upside down.**

Dudley's eyes began to glaze over.

"**This is what you have to do," he said. He raised the gnome above his head ("Gerroff me!") and started to seing it in great circles like a lasso. Seeing the shocked look on Harry's face, Ron add, "It doesn't **_**hurt**_** them — you've just got to make them really dizzy so they can't find their way back to the gnomeholes."**

"Harry is very tenderhearted," Ginny said to Lily.

Harry blushed, as the twins began to snicker, probably thinking up jokes about him.

**He let go of the gnome's ankles: It flew twenty feet into the air and landed with a thud in the field over the hedge.**

"**Pitiful," said Fred. "I bet I can get mine beyond that stump."**

**Harry learned quickly not to feel too sorry for the gnomes. He decided just to drop the first one he caught over the hedge, but the gnome, sensing weakness, sank its razor-sharp teeth into Harry's finger and he had a hard job shaking it off — until —**

"**Wow, Harry — that must've been fifty feet…"**

"He's always better at it than us," Ron grumbled.

"So what?" Harry said. "You're better at chess."

**The air was soon thick with flying gnomes.**

"**See, they're not too bright," said George, seizing five or six gnomes at once. "The moment they know the de-gnoming's going on they storm up to have a look. You'd think they'd have learned by now just to stay put."**

**Soon, the crowd of gnomes in the field started walking away in a straggling line, their little shoulders hunched.**

"Aww…" Hermione cooed.

"**They'll be back," said Ron as they watched the gnomes disappear into the hedge on the other side of the field. "They love it here… Dad's too soft with them; he thinks they're funny…"**

**Just then, the front door slammed.**

"**He's back!" said George. "Dad's home!"**

Arthur, who was still feeling badly about what Ron had said, perked up even more at this.

**They hurried through the garden and back into the house.**

**Mr. Weasley was slumped in a kitchen chair with his glasses off and his eyes closed. He was a thin man, going bald, but the little hair he had was as red as any of his children's. He was wearing long green robes, which were dusty and travel-worn.**

"**What a night," he mumbled, groping for the teapot as they all sat down around him. "Nine raids. Nine! And old Mundungus Fletcher tried to put a hex on me when I had my back turned…"**

"Good ol' Dung," George said fondly. "He likes to think that he can trick us into paying too much for the goods he gets."

Molly looked _very _uncomfortable at this.

**Mr. Weasley took a long gulp of tea and sighed.**

"**Find anything, Dad?" said Fred eagerly.**

"**All I got were a few shrinking door keys and a biting kettle," yawned Mr. Weasley. "There was some pretty nasty stuff that wasn't my department, though. Mortlake was taken away for questioning about some extremely odd ferrets, but that's the Committee on Experimental Charms, thank goodness…"**

"**Why would anyone bother making door keys shrink?" said George.**

"**Just Muggle-baiting," sighed Mr. Weasley. "Sell them a key that keeps shrinking to nothing so they can never find it when they need it… Of course, it's very hard to convict anyone because no Muggle would admit their key keeps shrinking — they'll insist they just keep loosing it. Bless them, they'll go to any lengths to ignore magic, even if it's staring them in the face… But the things out lot have taken to enchanting, you wouldn't believe —"**

"Uh-oh," Remus groaned, sensing danger.

"**LIKE CARS, FOR INSTANCE?"**

**Mrs. Weasley had appeared, holding a long poker like a sword. Mr. Weasley's eyes jerked open. He stared guiltily at his wife.**

"And to think, I used to wonder where the twins got their mischievous ways," Molly said, gazing fondly at her husband.

"**C-cars, Molly, dear?"**

"**Yes, Arthur, cars," said Mrs. Weasley, her eyes flashing. "Imagine a wizard buying a rusty old car and telling his wife all he wanted to do with it was take it apart to see how it worked, while **_**really**_** he was enchanting it to make it **_**fly**_**."**

**Mr. Weasley blinked.**

"**Well, dear, I think you'll find that he would be quite within the law to do that, even if — er — he maybe would have done better to, um, tell his wife the truth…There's a loophole in the law, you'll find…As long as he wasn't **_**intending**_** to fly the car, the fact that it**_** could**_** fly wouldn't —"**

"**Arthur Weasley, you made sure there was a loophole when you wrote that law!" shouted Mrs. Weasley.**

The Marauders burst into laughter. It was something that each of them would have done if they were Arthur Weasley.

"**Just so you could carry on tinkering with all that Muggle rubbish in your shed! And for your information, Harry arrived this morning in the car you weren't intending to fly!"**

"**Harry?" said Mr. Weasley blankly. "Harry who?"**

**He looked around, saw Harry, and jumped.**

"**Good lord, is it Harry Potter? Very pleased to meet you, Ron's told us so much about —"**

"_**Your sons flew that car to Harry's house and back last night!**_**" shouted Mrs. Weasley. "What have you got to say about that, eh?"**

"**Did you really?" said Mr. Weasley eagerly. "Did it go all right? I — I mean," he faltered as sparks flew from Mrs. Weasley's eyes, "that — that was very wrong, boys — very wrong indeed…"**

"But he questioned us later that night," George commented. "He was too excited to be upset with us."

"**Let's leave them to it," Ron muttered to Harry as Mrs. Weasley swelled like a bullfrog. "Come on, I'll show you my bedroom."**

**They slipped out of the kitchen and down a narrow passageway to an uneven staircase, which wound its way, zigzagging up through the house. On the third landing, a door stood ajar. Harry just caught sight of a pair of bright brown eyes staring at him before it closed with a snap.**

"**Ginny," said Ron. "You don't know how weird it is for her to be this shy. She never shuts up normally —"**

"HEY!" Ginny snapped, glaring at Ron.

"What? It was true!" he defended himself.

**They climbed two more flights until they reached a door with peeling paint and a small plaque on it, saying RONALD'S ROOM.**

**Harry stepped in, his head almost touching the sloping ceiling, and blinked. It was like walking into a furnace: Nearly everything in Ron's room seemed to be a violent shade of orange: the bedspread, the walls, even the ceiling. Then Harry realized that Ron had covered nearly every inch of the shabby wallpaper with posters of the same seven witches and wizards, all wearing bright orange robes, carrying broomsticks, and waving energetically.**

"**Your Quidditch team?' said Harry.**

"**The Chudley Cannons," said Ron, pointing at the orange bedspread, which was emblazoned with two giant black C's and a speeding cannonball. "Ninth in the league."**

"But that's just in Great Britain," Harry said. "They rank far lower in the International League."

Ron's ears were pink.

**Ron's school spellbooks were stacked untidily in a corner, next to a pile of comics that all seemed to feature **_**The Adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle**_**. Ron's magic wand was lying on top of a fish tank full of frog spawn on the windowsill, next to his fat gray rat, Scabbers, who was snoozing in a patch of sun.**

"Does that rat seem familiar to either of you?" Remus asked the other two Marauders.

"No," James and Sirius said, barely pausing to think about it.

"Oh, well," he said, shrugging it off.

**Harry stepped over a pack of Self-Shuffling playing cards on the floor and looked out of the tiny window. In the field far below he could see a gang of gnomes sneaking one by one back through the Weasleys' hedge. Then he turned to look at Ron, who was watching him almost nervously, as though waiting for his opinion.**

"I was," Ron said.

"**It's a bit small," said Ron quickly. "Not like that room you had with the Muggles. And I'm right underneath the ghoul in the attic; he's always banging on the pipes and groaning…"**

"You are _so lucky_," Harry said wistfully to Ron, making Dumbledore flinch.

**But Harry, grinning widely, said, "This is the best house I've ever been in."**

**Ron's ears went pink.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it took so long. I've had a bad month, but the writing bug is still active, so my stories will continue. Please enjoy, and don't forget the House Competition.**

* * *

Neville was next to read, and began with a slightly shaking voice.

**Chapter Four: At Flourish and Blotts**

Lily and Hermione both sighed and said, "My favorite store."

This prompted some odd looks from the others in the room, and Harry overheard Remus mutter, "Eerie, that is."

**Life at the Burrow was as different as possible from life on Privet Drive.**

Fred and George stood up and began to cheer loudly, startling Petunia awake and making her scream silently.

**The Dursleys liked everything neat and ordered; the Weasleys' house burst with the strange and unexpected.**

The twins, who were still standing, bowed to everyone at the table, as though they alone were responsible for the strange and unexpected in the Weasleys' home. Harry privately thought that they probably _were _responsible.

**Harry got a shock the first time he looked in the mirror over the kitchen mantelpiece and it shouted, "**_**Tuck your shirt in scruffy!**_**"**

"The problem with that was," Harry explained to the room at large, "that my shirt _was _tucked in when the mirror said that. It's not my fault that Dudley is at least twice as big as I am, and that I only ever got his old clothes."

Dumbledore shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and looked rather guilty at this.

**The ghoul in the attic howled and dropped pipes whenever he felt that things were getting too quiet, and small explosions from Fred and George's bedroom were considered perfectly normal.**

The Marauders applauded as the twins stood and bowed yet again.

**What Harry found most unusual about life at Ron's, however, wasn't the talking mirror or the clanking ghoul: It was the fact that everybody there seemed to like him.**

Minerva began to cry into a black silk handkerchief that Severus pressed into her hands, as Ginny wrapped Harry up in another hug.

**Mrs. Weasley fussed over the state of his socks and tried to force him to eat fourth helpings at every meal.**

Lily looked teary eyed and said a soft, "Thank you," to Molly, making the older woman blush slightly.

**Mr. Weasley liked Harry to sit next to him at the dinner table so that he could bombard him with questions about life with the Muggles, asking him to explain how things like plugs and the postal service worked.**

"_**Fascinating!**_**" he would say as Harry talked him through using a telephone. "**_**Ingenious**_**, really, how many ways Muggles have found of getting along without magic."**

"Do you think I could apply for an internship with you this summer, Mr. Weasley?" Draco asked, shocking the room. "_What?_" he snapped at the room at large. "With my dad in prison, I might as well do as I like."

"Good for you!" Luna said firmly, for a moment dropping the dreamy look on her face.

**Harry heard from Hogwarts one sunny morning about a week after he had arrived at the Burrow. He and Ron went down to breakfast to find Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Ginny already sitting at the kitchen table. The moment she saw Harry, Ginny accidentally knocked her porridge bowl to the floor with a loud clatter.**

Ginny blushed at the memory. She always got clumsy when nervous. It was part of the reason she got along so well with Tonks.

No sooner had the name 'Tonks' flitted through her mind, than the woman in question appeared wearing a pair of baggy blue jeans with holes in the knees, and a tight black and purple _Weird Sisters _tee shirt. She even wore a pair of neon purple sneakers. Her bubblegum pink hair hung in messy waves around her face, ending just above her shoulders.

Tonks stared around the room in shock. "Wotcher, Harry," she said to her favorite teenager.

"Wotcher, Tonks," Harry replied, standing and hugging his surrogate cousin.

"How'd I get here?" the Metamorph asked. "Last thing I knew, I was about to head to a meeting at HQ when I heard little-miss-red-head say my name."

"I didn't say your name," Ginny said, "but I did think about you."

"That would do it," Harry said matter-of-factly.

"Have a seat then, Tonks," Harry said, indicating the table.

Tonks shrugged and headed to the empty chair that had appeared between Draco and the pig. "So… What are we doing?"

"We're reading a book about Harry's second year at Hogwarts," Arthur explained.

Tonks froze suddenly as she noticed four people at the opposite end of the table from her. "Siri?!" she cried out. "Remy? Looking hot!" she added looking at the Marauder as though he was a piece of meat. "And you two are obviously James and Lily. So, were we all just kidnapped from various times, and brought here to hear a story about our darling Harry?"

"Pretty much," Sirius confirmed.

"We're trying to convince the Headmaster to send Harry to live with the Diggorys instead of the Dursleys," Arthur explained.

Tonks turned to face the Dursleys by her side. "Hello…" she drawled with an evil grin, reminiscent of Bellatrix Lestrange's. Her eyes flickered from blue to black, and her hair turned black to match. A moment later she was back to normal, for her that is, and the Dursleys looked as though they had soiled themselves.

"I – I'll just continue reading now," Neville stammered, staring nervously at Tonks.

**Ginny seemed very prone to knocking things over whenever Harry entered a room. She dived under the table to retrieve the bowl and emerged with her face glowing like the setting sun. Pretending he hadn't noticed this, Harry sat down and took the toast Mrs. Weasley offered him.**

"Y-you noticed that?" Ginny asked, face as red as her hair.

"Erm, yes," Harry replied hesitantly.

"Oh," she replied, still red.

"**Letters from school," said Mr. Weasley, passing Harry and Ron identical envelopes of yellowish parchment, addressed in green ink. "Dumbledore already knows you're here, Harry – doesn't miss a trick, that man. You two've got them, too," he added, as Fred and George ambled in, still in their pajamas.**

"Well, of course they also had letters," Arthur said. "They've never been expelled, although why Dumbledore puts up with their pranks…"

The twins looked pleased at this.

"He thinks they're funny, he does," Ron muttered.

**For a few minutes there was silence as they all read their letters. Harry's told him to catch the Hogwarts Express as usual from King's Cross station on September first. There was also a list of the new books he'd need for the coming year.**

Harry groaned, already dreading this.

**SECOND YEAR STUDENTS WILL REQUIRE:**

_**The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 2 **_**by Miranda Goshawk**

_**Break with a Banshee **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

_**Gadding with Ghouls **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

_**Holidays with Hags **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

_**Travels with Trolls **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

_**Voyages with Vampires **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

_**Wanderings with Werewolves **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

_**Year with the Yeti **_**by Gilderoy Lockhart**

"More like Gilded-boy Fraud-heart," Ron muttered, frowning.

Molly did not look pleased.

**Fred, who had finished his own list, peered over at Harry's.**

"**You've been told to get all Lockhart's books, too!" he said. "The new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher must be a fan – bet it's a witch."**

Harry and Ron snickered at this, though Hermione blushed.

**At this point, Fred caught his mother's eye and quickly busied himself with the marmalade.**

"**That lot won't come cheap," said George, with a quick look at his parents. "Lockhart's books are really expensive…."**

"And the only reason he made us by them was so that he could make more money," Harry grumbled. "I happen to know that the Headmaster has to approve of the course books, so it is beyond me as to why he let Lockhart get away with that. The books weren't even _textbooks_, they were bloody _novels_."

Dumbledore looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"**Well, we'll manage," said Mrs. Weasley, but she looked worried. "I expect we'll be able to pick up a lot of Ginny's things secondhand."**

"If it weren't for you, Harry, I doubt we could have afforded everything," Ginny said admiringly.

Harry turned pink.

"**Oh, are you starting at Hogwarts this year?" Harry asked Ginny.**

**She nodded, blushing to the roots of her flaming hair, and put her elbow in the butter dish.**

Ginny groaned and blushed, and Tonks looked sympathetic.

**Fortunately no one saw this except Harry, because just then Ron's elder brother Percy walked in.**

"Percy _actually _did something _right_?" George asked in shock, and let his jaw fall open.

"Who knew?" Fred responded, shrugging.

**He was already dressed, his Hogwarts prefect badge pinned to his sweater vest.**

"Arrogant jerk," Ron muttered. "Thinking he was better than everyone else, pssh."

Molly gave Ron a look of doom. Despite Percy's betrayal, she still didn't like it when anyone spoke against him.

"**Morning, all," said Percy briskly. "Lovely day."**

**He sat down in the only remaining chair but leapt up again almost immediately, pulling from underneath him a moulting, gray feather duster – at least, that was what Harry thought it was, until he saw that it was breathing.**

Ginny and the twins snickered at this.

"**Errol!" said Ron, taking the limp owl from Percy and extracting a letter from under its wing. "**_**Finally**_** – he's got Hermione's answer. I wrote to her saying we were going to try and rescue you from the Dursleys."**

"You really should think about replacing him," Charlie muttered, shaking his head. "One more trip to Romania will kill him off."

**He carried Errol to a perch just inside the back door and tried to stand him on it, but Errol just flopped straight off again so Ron lay him on the draining board instead, muttering, "Pathetic."**

Ron snickered at that, knowing that it was true.

**Then he ripped open Hermione's letter and read it out loud:**

"'_**Dear Ron, and Harry if you're there,**_

"'_**I hope everything went all right and that Harry is okay and that you didn't do anything illegal to get him out, Ron, because that would get Harry into trouble, too. I've been really worried and if Harry is all right will you please let me know at once, but perhaps it would be better if you used a different owl, because I think another delivery might finish your one off.**_

"'_**I'm very busy with schoolwork of, course'**_** – How **_**can **_**she be?" said Ron in horror. "We're on vacation! – **

"If you get your homework done first thing after getting home from school, then you'll be able to relax for the rest of the summer, knowing that it's out of the way," Lily snapped, eyes flashing.

"That's exactly what I've been telling him, but he just won't listen!" Hermione said.

'_**and we're going to London next Wednesday to buy my new books. Why don't we meet in Diagon Alley?**_

"'_**Let me know what's happening as soon as you can. Love from Hermione.**_**'"**

"**Well, that fits in nicely, we can go and get all your things then, too," said Mrs. Weasley, starting to clear the table. "What're you all up to today?"**

"Quidditch!" the three youngest Weasley boys said.

**Harry, Ron, Fred, and George were planning to go up the hill to a small paddock the Weasleys owned. It was surrounded by trees that blocked it from view of the village below, meaning that they could practice Quidditch there, as long as they didn't fly too high. They couldn't use real Quidditch balls, which would have been hard to explain if they had escaped and flown away over the village;**

James and Sirius exchanged glances and snickered at this.

…**instead they threw apples for one another to catch. They took turns riding Harry's Nimbus Two Thousand, which was easily the best broom; Ron's old Shooting Star was often outstripped by passing butterflies.**

Ron turned red in embarrassment.

**Five minutes later they were marching up the hill, broomsticks over their shoulders. They had asked Percy if he wanted to join them, but he had said he was busy. Harry had only seen Percy at mealtimes so far; he stayed shut in his room the rest of the time.**

Ginny snickered, remembering the time she tried to break into his room while he was in the loo. She was almost done picking the lock when she heard him returning.

"**Wish I knew what he was up to," said Fred, frowning. "He's not himself. His exam results came the day before you did; twelve O.W.L.s and he hardly gloated at all."**

"Not normal at all," George said, shaking his head in fake sadness.

"**Ordinary Wizarding Levels," George explained, seeing Harry's puzzled look. "Bill got twelve, too. If we're not careful, we'll have another Head Boy in the family. I don't think I could stand the shame."**

"We did… but barely," Fred said.

**Bill was the oldest Weasley brother. He and the next brother, Charlie, had already left Hogwarts. Harry had never met either of them, but knew that Charlie was in Romania studying dragons and Bill in Egypt working for the wizard's bank, Gringotts.**

"What courses do you need to do that, Bill?" Harry asked curiously.

"Charms, Potions, Transfiguration, Defense, History of Magic, Herbology, Ancient Runes, and Arithmancy," Bill ticked off on his fingers. "Then Gringotts trains you in Warding and Ancient Rituals."

"Wow," Harry said in shock.

"**Dunno how Mum and Dad are going to afford all our school stuff this year," said George after a while. "Five sets of Lockhart books! And Ginny needs robes and a wand and everything…."**

**Harry said nothing. He felt a bit awkward. Stored in an under-ground vault at Gringotts in London was a small fortune that his parents had left him. Of course, it was only in the wizarding world that he had money; you couldn't use Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts in Muggle shops. He had never mentioned his Gringotts bank account to the Dursleys; he didn't think their horror of anything connected with magic would stretch to a large pile of gold.**

Vernon looked gleeful and devious. He was already plotting how to get the money for himself.

**Mrs. Weasley woke them all early the following Wednesday. After a quick half a dozen bacon sandwiches each, they pulled on their coats and Mrs. Weasley took a flowerpot off the kitchen mantelpiece and peered inside.**

"**We're running low, Arthur," she sighed. "We'll have to buy some more today….Ah well, guests first! After you, Harry dear!"**

**And she offered him the flowerpot.**

Dudley's mouth was hanging open, and a more-confused-than-normal look was on his face.

**Harry stared at them all watching him.**

"**W-what am I supposed to do?" he stammered.**

"**He's never travelled by Floo powder," said Ron suddenly. "Sorry, Harry, I forgot."**

"You tend to forget that rather a lot," Draco said snidely. "Some best friend you are."

Ron gave him a rude gesture, and Molly slapped his hand. "Ow!" he complained, rubbing his hand.

"**Never?" said Mr. Weasley. "But how did you get to Diagon Alley to buy your school things last year?"**

"**I went on the Underground – "**

"**Really?" said Mr. Weasley eagerly. "Were there **_**escapators**_**? How exactly – "**

Hermione groaned. "It's _escalators_!"

"Is it really?" Arthur said, sounding fascinated. "How do… oh nevermind," he said when he noticed his wife glaring at him.

"**Not **_**now**_**, Arthur," said Mrs. Weasley. "Floo powder's a lot quicker, dear, but goodness me, if you've never used it before – "**

"**He'll be alright, Mum," said Fred. "Harry, watch us first."**

**He took a pinch of glittering powder out of the flowerpot, stepped up to the fire, and threw the powder into the flames.**

**With a roar, the fire turned emerald green and rose higher than Fred, who stepped right into it, shouted, "Diagon Alley!" and vanished.**

"This has _so many _ways of going wrong," Remus muttered.

"You have _no _idea," Harry muttered back.

Remus felt an odd kinship with the boy next to him, one that was as strong as the Marauders, despite only having known him for a half-day. Remus somehow knew that when all was said and done, he would be the guiding force for Harry. Sirius would be the godfather in name and fun uncle in behavior, but he would have to take on the role of teacher and mentor. Oddly, he felt comforted by this rather than scared by the responsibility.

"**You must speak clearly, dear," Mrs. Weasley told Harry as George dipped his hand into the flowerpot. "And be sure to get out at the right grate…."**

"**The right what?" said Harry nervously as the fire roared and whipped George out of sight, too.**

"This isn't going to go well, is it?" Lily asked, looking apprehensive.

Hermione shook her head. "You have no idea," she said, repeating Harry.

"**Well, there are an awful lot of wizard fires to choose from, you know, but as long as you've spoken clearly – "**

"**He'll be fine, Molly, don't fuss," said Mr. Weasley, helping himself to Floo powder, too.**

"Famous last words," Luna moaned.

"**But, dear, if he got lost, how would we ever explain to his aunt and uncle?"**

"**They wouldn't mind," Harry reassured her. "Dudley would think it was a brilliant joke if I got lost up a chimney, don't worry about that – "**

The three Dursleys nodded their heads in agreement.

"**Well… all right… you go after Arthur," said Mrs. Weasley. "Now, when you get into the fire, say where you're going – "**

"**And keep your elbows tucked in," Ron advised.**

"**And your eyes shut," said Mrs. Weasley. "The soot – "**

"**Don't fidget," said Ron. "Or you might well fall out of the wrong fireplace – "**

"**But don't panic and get out too early; wait until you see Fred and George."**

"Too much advice for a first timer," Remus moaned, shaking his head. "Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad…"

**Trying hard to bear all this in mind, Harry took a pinch of Floo powder and walked to the edge of the fire. He took a deep breath, scattered the powder into the flames, and stepped forward; the fire felt like a warm breeze; he opened his mouth and immediately swallowed a lot of hot ash.**

James groaned, burying his face in his hands.

"**D-Dia-gon Alley," he coughed.**

**It felt as though he was being sucked down a giant drain. He seemed to be spinning very fast – the roaring in his ears was deafening – he tried to keep his eyes open but the whirl of green flames made him feel sick – something hard knocked his elbow and he tucked it in tightly, still spinning and spinning – now it felt as though cold hands were slapping his face – squinting through his glasses he saw a blurred stream of fireplaces and snatched glimpses of the rooms beyond – his bacon sandwiches were churning inside him – he closed his eyes again wishing it would stop, and then – **

"What? WHAT?" Sirius cried out dramatically.

"Will you be quiet, Mr. Black!" Minerva snapped.

"No," Sirius responded. "I am mentally incapable of being quiet. The voices in my head won't let me."

Minerva blinked several times, opened her mouth, then shook her head and closed it again.

**He fell, face forward, onto cold stone and felt the bridge of his glasses snap.**

"Rotten luck," James sympathized. "I've had the same thing happen to me before.

"Glad I'm not the only one," Harry said sincerely.

**Dizzy and bruised, covered in soot, he got gingerly to his feet, holding his broken glasses up to his eyes. He was quite alone, but **_**where **_**he was, he had no idea. All he could tell was that he was standing in the stone fireplace of what looked like a large, dimly lit wizard's shop – but nothing in here was ever likely to be on a Hogwarts school list.**

"That's not good," Tonks moaned.

**A glass case nearby held a withered hand on a cushion, a blood-stained pack of cards, and a staring glass eye. Evil-looking masks stared down from the walls, an assortment of human bones lay upon the counter, and rusty, spiked instruments hung from the ceiling. Even worse, the dark, narrow street Harry could see through the dusty shop window was definitely not Diagon Alley.**

"YOU were in Knockturn Alley?" Draco sputtered in shock. "That's just not possible."

"Oh. It's possible," Harry stated, smirking. "And it just gets better from here," sarcasm rolled from his tongue.

**The sooner he got out of here, the better. Nose still stinging where it had hit the hearth, Harry made his way swiftly and silently toward the door, but before he'd got halfway toward it, two people appeared on the other side of the glass – and one of them was the very last person Harry wanted to meet when he was lost, covered in soot, and wearing broken glasses: Draco Malfoy.**

"Ah, shit!" Draco said, earning a smack on the back of his head from Tonks.

"Eww!" she squealed, staring at her hand. "What do you put in your hair… maple syrup?"

"It is beneath me to answer that," Draco said haughtily and sneered.

"Well then, _dear cousin_," she said sarcastically, eyes squinted. "I suppose it must be maple syrup, then."

"It most certainly is not – AAHHHH!" he screamed, for Tonks had Transfigured his gel into syrup and it was trickling down his forehead slowly.

Harry smirked but waved a hand, making the syrup disappear, thus making Draco's hair look fluffy and baby-fine.

Ginny giggled at Draco behind her hand, and Luna simply smiled dreamily at him.

**Harry looked quickly around and spotted a large black cabinet to his left; he shot inside it and pulled the doors closed, leaving a small crack to peer through. Seconds later, a bell clanged, and Malfoy stepped into the shop.**

"I wonder…" Draco said. "Do you remember that Slytherin Quidditch player, Potter? You know, the one that the twin terrors shoved into the Vanishing Cabinet at school."

"I remember hearing about that," Harry said. "What of him?"

Draco's eyes were unfocused as he remembered a conversation in the Slytherin Common Room. "He said he could hear things, some of them in Hogwarts, like Filch talking to his cat, but other times… Other times he could hear what sounded like someone in a shop, bartering, that sort of thing. You don't suppose…"

Harry paled. "Anyone could get into the school if that were true… Voldemort could," he muttered.

Draco nodded, and the pair shared a significant look, one that held a conversation without words.

**The man who followed could only be Draco's father. He had the same pale, pointed face and identical cold, gray eyes. Mr. Malfoy crossed the shop, looking lazily at the items on display, and rand a bell on the counter before turning to his son and saying, "Touch nothing, Draco."**

"Like that would stop you," Harry muttered sarcastically.

Draco smirked back. "We all know how much I respect my father, don't we?" he sneered back.

The two boys grinned at each other.

**Malfoy, who had reached for the glass eye, said, "I thought you were going to buy me a present."**

"From Knockturn Alley! Are you mad?" Severus asked incredulously.

"**I said I would buy you a racing broom," said his father, drumming his fingers on the counter.**

"**What's the good of that if I'm not on the House team?" said Malfoy, looking sulky and bad-tempered. "Harry Potter got a Nimbus Two Thousand last year. Special permission from Dumbledore so he could play for Gryffindor. He's not even that good, it's just because he's **_**famous**_**… famous for having a stupid **_**scar**_** on his forehead…."**

"Err… Sorry Harry," Draco muttered. "I was jealous," he added, shocking the room when he didn't refer to himself as a donkey.

**Malfoy bent down to examine a shelf full of skulls.**

Lily and Hermione both shuddered.

"… **everyone thinks he's so **_**smart**_**, wonderful **_**Potter **_**with his **_**scar **_**and his **_**broomstick**_** – "**

"Jealous much?" Ron asked.

"You're one to talk, Mr. Tri-Wizard-wanna-be," Draco retorted.

"**You have told me this at least a dozen times already," said Mr. Malfoy, with a quelling look at his son. "And I would remind you that it is not – prudent – to appear less than fond of Harry Potter, not when most of our kind regard him as the hero who made the Dark Lord disappear – ah, Mr. Borgin."**

**A stooping man had appeared behind the counter, smoothing his greasy hair back from his face.**

"He'd get along well with Snape then?" Ron asked, forgetting who was sitting across the table from him.

"Why no, Mr. Weasley," Severus said in his silky voice. "Do you think that you would get along with everyone who has red hair and freckles? Perhaps if you think before you speak, you will not go around insulting people. Hmmm…"

Ron shivered at the coldness in the Potions Professor's eyes. "Y-y-yes sir," he muttered, a chill going up his spine.

"**Mr. Malfoy, what a pleasure to see you again," said Mr. Borgin in a voice as oily as his hair. "Delighted – and young Master Malfoy, too – charmed. How may I be of assistance? I must show you, just in today, and very reasonably priced – "**

Draco snorted. "Smarmy git!"

"**I'm not buying today, Mr. Borgin, but selling," said Mr. Malfoy.**

"**Selling?" The smile faded slightly from Mr. Borgin's face.**

"See." He continued, "He only sucks up to people when he thinks he's going to get money off of them."

"**You have heard, of course, that the Ministry is conducting more raids," said Mr. Malfoy, taking a roll of parchment from his inside pocket and unraveling it for Mr. Borgin to read. "I have a few – ah – items at home that might embarrass me, if the Ministry were to call…."**

"Well, there's the understatement of the century," Mr. Weasley muttered. "Underneath the drawing room floor there were more dark artifacts than at the Black family manor _and _Morgan Le Fey's Castle combined."

**Mr. Borgin fixed a pair of pince-nez to his nose and looked down the list.**

"**The Ministry wouldn't presume to trouble you, sir, surely?"**

**Mr. Malfoy's lip curled.**

"**I have not been visited yet. The name Malfoy still commands a certain respect, yet the Ministry grows ever more meddlesome. There are rumors about a new Muggle Protection Act – no doubt that flea-bitten, Muggle-loving fool Arthur Weasley is behind it – "**

The twins, Charlie and Bill all growled angrily at this, though with varying degrees of intensity.

**Harry felt a hot surge of anger.**

"– **and as you see, certain of these poisons might make it **_**appear**_** – "**

"Like the truth?" Draco asked sarcastically.

"**I understand, sir, of course," said Mr. Borgin. "Let me see…"**

"**Can I have **_**that**_**?" interrupted Draco, pointing at the withered hand on its cushion.**

Harry shuddered. "You just _had _to pick the creepiest thing in the shop, didn't you?" he said, rolling his eyes.

Draco smirked. "Come on, Potter," he said in his smugly arrogant tone. "Don't tell me that you never searched out the creepiest thing in a store to ask your guardian to buy?"

Harry looked thoughtful. "Does spinach count? I always picked it out at the grocery store because I knew that Dudley and Uncle Vernon would refuse to eat it, so for one meal I'd get a decent amount of food."

Draco looked pale. "I wasn't thinking," he stated.

"Clearly," Ron said drolly, as this time it was Malfoy who forgot what Harry's life had been like.

"**Ah, the Hand of Glory!" said Mr. Borgin, abandoning Mr. Malfoy's list and scurrying over to Draco. "Insert a candle and it gives light only to the holder! Best friend of thieves and plunderers! Your son has fine taste, sir."**

"**I hope my son will amount to more than a thief or a plunderer, Borgin," said Mr. Malfoy coldly, and Mr. Borgin said quickly, "No offense, sir, no offense meant – "**

Oddly enough, it was Dudley who started to chortle with glee at this, earning himself more than a few strange looks.

"**Though if his grades don't pick up," said Mr. Malfoy, more coldly still, "that may indeed be all he is fit for – "**

Draco winced, thinking about his father's 'punishment' of choice for that failing.

"**It's not my fault," retorted Draco. "The teachers all have favorites, that Hermione Granger – "**

"Way to go, Draco," Hermione said, glaring at him. "Blame the girl who actually _studies_."

"I study," Draco said, voice squeaking. "It's just that the words get mixed up and I have trouble reading because of it. That makes it hard to remember what I read because I'm so focused on decoding the damn books that I can't focus on the actual contents."

Hermione's eyes went wide. "I think you might be dyslexic," she muttered. "I'm pretty sure that the Muggle world has ways of helping for it. I'll look some up when we get back."

Draco turned pink. "Thanks," he said in a whisper.

"**I would have thought that you'd be ashamed that a girl of no wizard family beat you in every exam," snapped Mr. Malfoy.**

"Ashamed… Shocked… Impressed… what's the difference," Draco said shrugging.

"**Ha!" said Harry under his breath, pleased to see Draco looking both abashed and angry.**

"**It's the same all over," said Mr. Borgin, in his oily voice. "Wizard blood is counting for less everywhere – "**

"Maybe it's from all the inbreeding," Lily muttered, rolling her eyes. "For people who think they know everything, most purebloods are really stupid."

"Incidentally," Sirius said, "The stupidity is also cause by the inbreeding."

"That explains you then, Padfoot," Remus said, trying to hide his smile.

Hermione couldn't help but compare the two Marauders to characters in her favorite book series. Remus was so much like Merry, the mature Hobbit of the duo, always trying to protect Pippin, who of course was very much like Sirius Black.

"**Not with me," said Mr. Malfoy, his long nostrils flaring.**

"**No, sir, nor with me, sir," said Mr. Borgin, with a deep bow.**

"**In that case, perhaps we can return to my list," said Mr. Malfoy shortly. "I am in something of a hurry, Borgin, I have important business elsewhere today – "**

**They started to haggle. Harry watched nervously as Draco drew nearer and nearer to his hiding place, examining the objects for sale. Draco paused to examine a long coil of hangman's rope and to read, smirking, the card propped on a magnificent necklace of opals, **_**Caution: Do Not Touch. Cursed – Has Claimed the Lives of Nineteen Muggle Owners to Date**_**.**

Harry, Hermione and Lily all shuddered violently, and several other people looked ill.

"That's it," Mr. Weasley said, determined. "I'm raiding that store."

**Draco turned away and saw the cabinet right in front of him. He walked forward – he stretched out his hand for the handle – **

"I was _so close_," Draco moaned. "_WHY?_" he finished over-dramatically.

"**Done," said Mr. Malfoy at the counter. "Come, Draco – "**

**Harry wiped his forehead on his sleeve as Draco turned away.**

"**Good day to you, Mr. Borgin. I'll expect you at the manor tomorrow to pick up the goods."**

**The moment the door had closed, Mr. Borgin dropped his oily manner.**

"**Good day yourself, **_**Mister **_**Malfoy, and if the stories are true, you haven't sold me half of what's hidden in your **_**manor**_**…."**

Draco snickered at this. "Borgin has no idea just how right he is."

**Muttering darkly, Mr. Borgin disappeared into a back room. Harry waited for a minute in case he came back, then, quietly as he could, slipped out of the cabinet, past the glass cases, and out of the shop door.**

**Clutching his broken glasses to his face, Harry stared around. He had emerged into a dingy alleyway that seemed to be made up entirely of shops devoted to the Dark Arts. The one he'd just left, Borgin and Burkes, looked like the largest, but opposite was a nasty window display of shrunken heads and, two doors down, a large cage was alive with gigantic black spiders. Two shabby-looking wizards were watching him from the shadow of a doorway, muttering to each other. Feeling jumpy, Harry set off, trying to hold his glasses on straight and hoping against hope he'd be able to find a way out of here.**

"I hope so, too," James muttered. "Oh, and Harry?"

"Yeah, Dad?" Harry responded hesitantly.

James stared at him with a penetrating stare that made Harry want to fidget. "If you _ever _willingly enter Knockturn Alley again, I will ground you permanently."

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but James wasn't finished. "…Literally." James said, and Harry knew that his days of flying would be over if he wound up in Knockturn Alley again.

"I didn't know you had it in you, son," Charles said in awe.

**An old wooden street sign hanging over a shop selling poisonous candles told him he was in Knockturn Alley. This didn't help, as Harry had never heard of such a place. He supposed he hadn't spoken clearly enough through his mouthful of ashes back in the Weasley's fire. Trying to stay calm, he wondered what to do.**

James exchanged looks with Remus and Sirius, all of them were nervous and exchanging looks had only made their nerves worse.

"**Not lost are you, my dear?" said a voice in his ear, making him jump.**

Harry shuddered violently, and looked rather pasty.

**An aged witch stood in front of him, holding a tray of what looked horribly like whole human fingernails. She leered at him, showing mossy teeth. Harry backed away.**

Severus turned green. "I think I know that hag," he said. "I ran into her when I was getting some rare Potions ingredients."

"In other words," Minerva said, "he was buying some illegal ones.

"**I'm fine, thanks," he said. "I'm just – "**

"**HARRY! What d'yeh think yer doin' down there?"**

"Hagrid?" Minerva asked, frowning.

**Harry's heart leapt. So did the witch; a load of fingernails cascaded down over her feet and she cursed as the massive form of Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, came striding toward them, beetle-black eyes flashing over his great bristling beard.**

The Marauders began to cheer and do a victory dance, and it took several minutes for Ree to calm them down enough for Neville to continue reading.

"**Hagrid!" Harry croaked in relief. "I was lost – Floo powder – "**

**Hagrid seized Harry by the scruff of the neck and pulled him away from the witch, knocking the tray right out of her hands.**

"I'll have to buy Hagrid a dragon for that," James said in relief, but was shocked when Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron all yelled out, "NO!" at the top of their lungs.

James flushed slightly. "I wasn't thinking. Hagrid plus a dragon equals something very, very bad," he muttered.

**Her shrieks followed them all the way along the twisting alleyway out into the bright sunlight. Harry saw a familiar, snow-white marble building in the distance – Gringotts Bank. Hagrid had steered him right into Diagon Alley.**

"**Yer a mess!" said Hagrid gruffly, brushing soot off Harry so forcefully he nearly knocked him into a barrel of dragon dung outside an apothecary. "Skulkin' around Knockturn Alley, I dunno – dodgy place, Harry – don' want no one ter see yeh down there – "**

"I wasn't there _willingly_," Harry moaned.

"**I realized **_**that**_**," said Harry, ducking as Hagrid made to brush him off again. "I told you, I was lost – what were you doing down there anyway?"**

"Good question," Severus said. He was seriously considering apprenticing Harry when he was older.

"_**I**_** was lookin' fer a Flesh-Eatin' Slug Repellant," growled Hagrid. "They're ruinin' the school cabbages. Yer not on yer own?"**

Minerva shuddered. "Flesh-Eating Slugs are dangerous," she said. "Thank Merlin Hagrid can recognize them, when most people don't know the difference between them and regular slugs."

"**I'm staying with the Weasleys but we got separated," Harry explained. "I've got to go and find them…."**

**They set off together down the street.**

"Thank goodness for Hagrid's impeccable timing," Molly said, looking dewy eyed. "Anything could have happened to Harry, and we would never have known."

"**How come yeh never wrote back ter me?" said Hagrid as Harry jogged alongside him (he had to take three steps to every stride of Hagrid's enormous boots). Harry explained all about Dobby and the Dursleys.**

"**Lousy Muggles," growled Hagrid. "If I'd've known – "**

"Good ol' Hagrid," Sirius said fondly.

"**Harry! Harry! Over here!"**

**Harry looked up to see Hermione Granger standing at the top of the white flight of steps to Gringotts. She ran down to meet them, her bushy brown hair flying behind her.**

Hermione frowned at the reference to her untamable hair, but she couldn't hold it on her face for long, because Fred had buried a hand in her hair at the mention of it, and was currently giving her and incredible scalp massage.

"**What happened to your glasses? Hello, Hagrid – Oh, it's **_**wonderful **_**to see you two again – Are you coming into Gringotts, Harry?"**

"**As soon as I've found the Weasleys," said Harry.**

"**Yeh won't have long ter wait," Hagrid said with a grin.**

**Harry and Hermione looked around: Sprinting up the crowded street were Ron, Fred, George, Percy, and Mr. Weasley.**

"That is always an interesting sight. So many people with red hair, running down the street," Luna said.

"**Harry," Mr. Weasley panted. "We **_**hoped **_**you'd only gone one grate too far…." He mopped his glistening bald patch. "Molly's frantic – she's coming now – "**

"**Where did you come out?" Ron asked.**

"**Knockturn Alley," said Hagrid grimly.**

"Scared the daylights out of us, too," Molly said in a huff.

"_**Excellent!**_**" said Fred and George together.**

"**We've never been allowed in," said Ron enviously.**

"**I should ruddy well think not," growled Hagrid.**

"And you'd better _never_ go in there," Molly snapped, eyes flashing.

The twins looked nervous at this and exchanged looks. "You know those rare Potions ingredients that Snape goes into Knockturn Alley for?" Fred started.

Molly's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Some of them are also used in our products and…" George continued.

Bill and Charlie were snickering behind their hands as the twins cowered in their seats.

"YOU TWO ARE GROUNDED FOR LIFE!" Molly yelled. "YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN CAPTURED BY DEATH EATERS!"

"They could have gone to the red-light district," Sirius joked, causing Molly to faint.

Arthur Enervated his wife, and she was so confused after her fainting spell that she completely forgot what had just happened.

**Mrs. Weasley now came galloping into view, her handbag swinging wildly in one hand, Ginny just clinging onto the other.**

"I thought my hand was going to turn blue," Ginny whispered to Harry, "she was clutching it so tightly."

"**Oh, Harry – oh, my dear – you could have been anywhere – "**

**Gasping for breath she pulled a large clothes brush out of her bag and began sweeping off the soot Hagrid hadn't managed to beat away. Mr. Weasley took Harry's glasses, gave them a tap of his wand, and returned them, good as new.**

"That was the first time anyone acted parental towards me," Harry muttered. "It felt like family."

Molly started to cry at that. "Oh, Harry," she said through her tears. "You _are _family. Just because you don't have red hair doesn't make you any less a Weasley."

Harry flushed. "Thanks," he muttered shyly.

Lily smiled happily, knowing that Harry would be in good hands.

"**Well, gotta be off," said Hagrid, who was having his hand wrung by Mrs. Weasley ("Knockturn Alley! If you hadn't found him, Hagrid!"). "See yer at Hogwarts!" And he strode away, head and shoulders taller than anyone else in the packed street.**

"**Guess who I saw in Borgin and Burkes?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione as they climbed the Gringotts steps. "Malfoy and his father."**

"**Did Lucius Malfoy buy anything?" said Mr. Weasley sharply behind them.**

"**No, he was selling – "**

"**So he's worried," said Mr. Weasley with grim satisfaction. "Oh, I'd love to get Lucius Malfoy for something…."**

"And I did," Arthur said gleefully, dancing in his seat.

"**You be careful, Arthur," said Mrs. Weasley sharply as they were bowed into the bank by a goblin at the door. "That family's trouble. Don't go biting off more than you can chew – "**

"Not possible," Dumbledore said. "Arthur was a wonderful Hit Wizard during the last ten years."

"YOU WERE A HIT WIZARD!" Molly screamed. "DO YOU HAVE _ANY _IDEA HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS?"

"Yes, Molly, I do." Arthur sighed. "My teammates were Gideon and Fabian, so _yes_, I know precisely how dangerous it was. I chose to take the risk, knowing that I was protecting my family. The reason the twins died was because they refused to name their Captain to Voldemort. I was that Captain." He ran a hand down his face. "And every day I live, I thank them for it, because it enabled me to be here for you and the children. And every day the guilt eats at my heart."

"Oh, Arthur," she said. "It's not your fault. They would have done that no matter who their Captain was."

Arthur shook his head. "That's true, but _I _was their Captain, and it was I who they protected with their lives."

"I love you so much," Molly said, wrapping her arms around her husband. "And I think I am even more proud of the twins now that I know what they did for us."

After several minutes, Arthur looked at Neville and said, "You should continue now."

"Alright," the slightly pudgy boy said.

"**So you don't think I'm a match for Lucius Malfoy?" said Mr. Weasley indignantly, but he was distracted almost at once by the sight of Hermione's parents, who were standing nervously at the counter that ran all along the great marble hall, waiting for Hermione to introduce them.**

"**But you're **_**Muggles**_**!" said Mr. Weasley delightedly. "We must have a drink! What's that you've got there? Oh, you're changing Muggle money. Molly, look!" He pointed excitedly at the ten-pound notes in Mr. Granger's hand.**

"He's like Ron in a Quidditch store," Hermione muttered to Fred.

"**Meet you back here," Ron said to Hermione as the Weasleys and Harry were led off to their underground vaults by another Gringotts goblin.**

Harry shifted uncomfortably.

**The vaults were reached by means of small, goblin-driven carts that sped along miniature train tracks through the bank's underground tunnels. Harry enjoyed the breakneck journey down to the Weasleys' vault, but felt dreadful, far worse than he had in Knockturn Alley, when it was opened.**

"Harry," Molly said, "You shouldn't feel that way. We are all perfectly content with what we had."

Ron looked distinctly uncomfortable at this.

**There was a very small pile of silver Sickles inside, and just one gold Galleon. Mrs. Weasley felt right into the corners before sweeping the whole lot into her bag. Harry felt even worse when they reached his vault. He tried to block the contents from view as he hastily shoved handfuls of coins into a leather bag.**

"Oy, Harry, you don't need to feel that way anymore," George said.

"Yeah," Fred agreed. "Mum and Dad's vault is a lot more full than it was before."

"What precisely have you boys done," Molly said dangerously.

"We paid you," Fred said shrugging.

George nodded. "At the standard rate for test subjects, and back pay for all of our tests on you starting after our first year at Hogwarts."

"We also have vaults for Ginny and Ron that they can only access after their eighteenth birthday," Fred added.

"Oh," George added as an afterthought, "and one for Percy if he ever gets over being a prat."

Molly and Arthur had never been so shocked before in their lives which was saying something as they _had _raised the twins.

After a while, Neville felt it safe to begin reading again.

**Back outside on the marble steps, they all separated. Percy muttered vaguely about needing a new quill. Fred and George had spotted their friend from Hogwarts, Lee Jordan. Mrs. Weasley and Ginny were going to a secondhand robe shop. Mr. Weasley was insisting on taking the Grangers off to the Leaky Cauldron for a drink.**

"Gee, I wonder why," Bill said dryly.

Cedric stifled a small laugh in response.

"**We'll all meet at Flourish and Blotts in an hour to buy your schoolbooks," said Mrs. Weasley, setting off with Ginny. "And not one step down Knockturn Alley!" she shouted at the twins' retreating backs.**

"As if that ever stopped them before," Charlie said.

The twins smirked at their elder brother.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione strolled off along the winding, cobbled street. The bag of gold, silver, and bronze jangling cheerfully in Harry's pocket was clamoring to be spent, so he bought three large strawberry-and-peanut-butter ice creams, which they slurped happily as they wandered up the alley, examining the fascinating shop windows.**

Lily beamed at her son and said, "You're a good boy, Harry. I'm proud of you."

**Ron gazed longingly at a full set of Chudley Cannon robes in the windows of Quality Quidditch Supplies until Hermione dragged them off to buy ink and parchment next door. In Gambol and Japes Wizarding Joke Shop, they met Fred, George, and Lee Jordan, who were stocking up on Dr. Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks, and in a tiny junk shop full of broken wands, lopsided brass scales, and old cloaks covered in stains they found Percy, deeply immersed in a small and boring book called **_**Prefects Who Gained Power**_**.**

"It must've been a short book then," Tonks said. "After all, most people who gain power are a part of our government, which is made up of the likes of Cornelius Fudge, who was _never _a prefect."

"_**A study of Hogwarts prefects and their latter careers**_**," Ron read aloud off the back cover. "That sounds **_**fascinating**_**…."**

"Note the sarcasm," Ron said.

"**Go away," Percy snapped.**

"'**Course, he's very ambitious, Percy, he's got it all planned out…. He wants to be Minister of Magic…" Ron told Harry and Hermione in an undertone as they left Percy to it.**

"Why wasn't he in Slytherin, then?" Severus asked.

"He threatened to set the hat on fire if it didn't put him in Gryffindor," Bill said. "The hat said that while that was a very Slytherin thing to say, it was also very bold. It was just enough to get him put in Gryffindor." Everyone stared at Bill in shock. "What?" he asked. "Who d'you think he confided in? I was Head Boy before he was Prefect. He went to me for advice on _everything_."

**An hour later, they headed for Flourish and Blotts. They were by no means the only ones making their way to the bookshop. As they approached it, they saw to their surprise a large crowd jostling outside the doors, trying to get in. The reason for this was proclaimed by a large banner stretched across the upper windows.**

Harry groaned loudly and began to beat his head on the table until Ginny slipped her hand in between his forehead and the table. Harry stopped immediately, not wanting to hurt her hand.

**GILDEROY LOCKHART**

**will be signing copies of his autobiography**

_**MAGICAL ME**_

Remus made a retching noise, and faked getting sick.

**today at 12:30 P.M. to 4:30 P.M.**

"**We can actually meet him!" Hermione squealed. "I mean, he's written almost the whole booklist!"**

Ron stared at her, and muttered, "Mental. Completely mental."

**The crowd seemed to be made up mostly of witches around Mrs. Weasley's age. A harassed-looking wizard stood at the door, saying, "Calmly, please, ladies…. Don't push, there… mind the books, now…."**

Everyone stared at Molly in curiosity.

"I wasn't… I didn't…" she tried to say before giving it up as a lost cause.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione squeezed inside. A long line wound right to the back of the shop, where Gilderoy Lockhart was signing his books. The each grabbed a copy of **_**The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 2**_** and sneaked up the line to where the rest of the Weasleys were standing with Mr. and Mrs. Granger.**

"**Oh, there you are, good," said Mrs. Weasley. She sounded breathless and kept patting her hair. "We'll be able to see him in a minute…."**

Molly blushed brightly, but said nothing.

**Gilderoy Lockhart came slowly into view, seated at a table surrounded by large pictures of his own face, all winking and flashing dazzlingly white teeth at the crowd.**

Sirius looked disgusted. "He's _such _a wimp though. How could anyone believe he's brave?"

**The real Lockhart was wearing robes of forget-me-not blue that exactly matched his eyes; his pointed wizard's hat was set at a jaunty angle on his wavy hair.**

James exchanged looks with the other Marauders, all of them planning how to prank him.

"That's just sickening," Sirius said.

"That's the truth," Remus said, nose wrinkled in distaste.

**A short, irritable-looking man was dancing around taking photographs with a large black camera that emitted puffs of purple smoke with every blinding flash.**

"**Out of the way, there," he snarled at Ron, moving back to get a better shot. "This is for the **_**Daily Prophet**_** – "**

Harry growled in anger. "Bloody Prophet. I'm gonna buy it, then fire everyone who doesn't report the truth. I'm gonna start with the bloody editor," he said in a gravelly tone of voice.

"**Big deal," said Ron, rubbing his foot where the photographer had stepped on it.**

**Gilderoy Lockhart heard him. He looked up. He saw Ron – and then he saw Harry. He stared. Then he leapt to his feet and positively shouted, "It **_**can't **_**be Harry Potter?"**

"WHY ME?" Harry cried out in frustration.

Cedric looked sympathetic. "If you come to live with us, then I promise that Mum and Dad won't let that happen this time.

**The crowd parted, whispering excitedly; Lockhart dived forward, seized Harry's arm, and pulled him to the front. The crown burst into applause. Harry's face burned as Lockhart shook his hand for the photographer, who was clicking away madly, wafting thick smoke over the Weasleys.**

"Never mind the fact that I kept fighting to get away," Harry muttered. "Bloody kidnapper."

"**Nice big smile, Harry," said Lockhart, through his own gleaming teeth. "Together you and I are worth the front page."**

"All it was was a bloody publicity stunt," Ron muttered, disgruntled.

Harry looked no less upset.

**When he finally let go of Harry's hand, Harry could hardly feel his fingers. He tried to sidle back over to the Weasleys, but Lockhart threw an arm around his shoulders and clamped him tightly to his side.**

Sirius growled angrily, a feral look in his eyes. "I'll rip his arm off!" he snarled.

"**Ladies and gentlemen," he said loudly, waving for quiet. "What an extraordinary moment this is! The perfect moment for me to make a little announcement I've been sitting on for some time!**

Harry, and the other students, plus the Weasley twins, all turned to glare at the Headmaster.

"**When young Harry here stepped into Flourish and Blotts today, he only wanted to buy my autobiography – which I shall be happy to present him now, free of charge – " The crowd applauded again. "He had **_**no idea**_**," Lockhart continued, giving Harry a little shake that made his glasses slip to the end of his nose, "that he would shortly be getting much, much more than my book, **_**Magical Me**_**. He and his schoolmates will, in fact, be getting the real magical me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have great pleasure in announcing that this September, I will be taking up the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"**

Sirius turned and became violently ill on the floor. "Scourgify," he muttered, cleaning his mess. He sat up properly then said, "A breath mint would be nice," making a small tin of them appear on the table in front of him. He immediately tilted his head back and dumped all of the mints in his mouth at once.

**The crowd cheered and clapped and Harry found himself being presented with the entire works of Gilderoy Lockhart. Staggering slightly under their weight, he managed to make his way out of the limelight to the edge of the room, where Ginny was standing next to her new cauldron.**

"**You have these," Harry mumbled to her, tipping the books into the cauldron. "I'll buy my own – "**

"Aww," Lily cooed. "You're so sweet."

Ree smiled at him, nodding her head in confirmation of what Lily had said.

Harry knew that the twins would never let him live this down.

"**Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter?" said a voice Harry had no trouble in recognizing. He straightened up and found himself face-to-face with Draco Malfoy, who was wearing his usual sneer.**

"Sorry," Draco said.

Harry smiled. "No problem."

"_**Famous **_**Harry Potter," said Malfoy. "Can't even go into a **_**bookshop **_**without making the front page."**

The Malfoy heir flinched.

"**Leave him alone, he didn't want all that!" said Ginny. It was the first time she had spoken in front of Harry. She was glaring at Malfoy.**

"Go Ginny!" Bill and Charlie said together.

"**Potter, you've got yourself a **_**girlfriend**_**!" drawled Malfoy. Ginny went scarlet as Ron and Hermione fought their way over, both clutching stacks of Lockhart's books.**

"**Oh, it's you," said Ron, looking at Malfoy as if he were something unpleasant on the sole of his shoe. "Bet you're surprised to see Harry here, eh?"**

Ron blushed. "Sorry for thinking that you sent Dobby to keep Harry from Hogwarts, Malfoy," he said.

"Not a problem. I really don't blame you for that," he replied.

"**Not as surprised as I am to see you in a shop, Weasley," retorted Malfoy. "I suppose your parents will go hungry for a month to pay for all those."**

Draco flinched. "Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Weasley," he said.

"Stop apologizing," Molly said. "It's really unnecessary. You're forgiven."

**Ron went as red as Ginny. He dropped his books into the cauldron, too, and started toward Malfoy, but Harry and Hermione grabbed the back of his jacket.**

"**Ron!" said Mr. Weasley, struggling over with Fred and George. "What are you doing? It's too crowded in here, let's go outside."**

"**Well, well, well – Arthur Weasley."**

Draco groaned, and Arthur shrank in his seat.

**It was Mr. Malfoy. He stood with his hand on Draco's shoulder, sneering in just the same way.**

"I'm going to be sick," Draco muttered, looking more than a little green.

"**Lucius," said Mr. Weasley, nodding coldly.**

"**Busy time at the Ministry, I hear," said Mr. Malfoy. "All those raids… I hope they're paying you overtime?"**

**He reached into Ginny's cauldron and extracted, from amid the glossy Lockhart books, a very old, very battered copy of **_**A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration**_**.**

"**Obviously not," Mr. Malfoy said. "Dear me, what's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard if they don't even pay you well for it?"**

Bill and Charlie both growled. Those were fighting words to anyone with Weasley blood… well… or Harry.

**Mr. Weasley flushed darker than either Ron or Ginny.**

"**We have a very different idea of what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy," he said.**

"Too right," the twins said together, looking disgusted.

"**Clearly," said Mr. Malfoy, his pale eyes straying to Mr. and Mrs. Granger, who were watching apprehensively. "The company you keep, Weasley… and I thought your family could sink no lower – "**

Hermione growled angrily. She looked as though she would have attacked Mr. Malfoy if he was present.

**There was thud of metal as Ginny's cauldron went flying; Mr. Weasley had thrown himself at Mr. Malfoy, knocking him back into a bookshelf.**

"GO DAD!" came from all the red-heads under the age of thirty, aside from Lily, of course.

**Dozens of heavy spellbooks came thundering down on all their heads; there was a yell of, "Get him, Dad!" from either Fred or George; Mrs. Weasley was shrieking, "No, Arthur, no!"; the crowd stampeded backward, knocking more shelves over; "Gentlemen, please – please!" cried the assistant, and then, louder than all – **

"**Break it up, there, gents, break it up – "**

**Hagrid was wading toward them through the sea of books.**

"Hagrid is such a sweet man," Molly said.

**In an instant he had pulled Mr. Weasley and Mr. Malfoy apart. Mr. Weasley had a cut lip and Mr. Malfoy had been hit in the eye by an **_**Encyclopedia of Toadstools**_**.**

"He had a black eye for a week," Draco said gleefully.

**He was still holding Ginny's old Transfiguration book. He thrust it at her, his eyes glittering with malice.**

Harry growled… LOUDLY… at this.

"**Here, girl – take your book – it's the best your father can give you – " Pulling himself out of Hagrid's grip he beckoned to Draco and swept from the shop.**

"**Yeh should've ignored him, Arthur," said Hagrid, almost lifting Mr. Weasley off his feet as he straightened his robes. "Rotten ter the core, the whole family, everyone knows that – no Malfoy's worth listenin' ter – bad blood, that's what it is – come on now – let's get outta here."**

"You're okay though," James said to Draco. "They used to say the same thing about the Blacks, but look at Sirius."

Draco smiled at them and said, "Thanks."

**The assistant looked as though he wanted to stop them leaving but he barely came up to Hagrid's waist and seemed to think better of it. They hurried up the street, the Grangers shaking with fright and Mrs. Weasley beside herself with fury.**

"**A **_**fine **_**example to set for your children… **_**brawling **_**in public… **_**what **_**Gilderoy Lockhart must've thought – "**

Harry snorted at this.

"**He was pleased," said Fred. "Didn't you hear him as we were leaving? He was asking that bloke from the **_**Daily Prophet**_** if he'd be able to work the fight into his report – said it was all publicity – "**

Hermione shuddered. "Bloody fraud," she muttered.

**But it was a subdued group that headed back to the fireside in the Leaky Cauldron, where Harry, the Weasleys, and all their shopping would be travelling back to the Burrow using Floo powder. They said good-bye to the Grangers, who were leaving the pub for the Muggle street on the other side; Mr. Weasley started to ask them how bus stops worked, but stopped quickly at the look on Mrs. Weasley's face.**

"I should hope so," she said, giving her husband _the look_.

**Harry took off his glasses and put them safely in his pocket before helping himself to Floo powder. It definitely wasn't his favorite way to travel.**

"But it beats Portkeys," Harry muttered.

Cedric looked sympathetic.

* * *

**25 Points: If you can name both actors who played Dumbledore in the movies.**

**25 Points: For each actor who you could see playing Dumbledore based on a previous role. Please let me know why you think they would make a good APWBD.**


	6. Chapter 6

A tea set appeared on the table, and people began serving themselves. Ron simply grabbed the entire tray of scones and began to eat.

After several minutes of this, George accepted the book from Neville then conjured himself a pair of thick-framed rectangular glasses, a wooden pipe, and a smoking jacket. He then began to read in a snooty tone reminiscent of Percy.

**Chapter 5: The Whomping Willow**

Ron turned a sickly shade of green. His eyes darted nervously toward his parents.

George smirked at his brother's nervousness, and casually blew through his pipe, making bubbles come out.

**The end of the summer vacation came too quickly for Harry's liking. He was looking forward to getting back to Hogwarts, but his month at the Burrow had been the happiest of his life. It was difficult not to feel jealous of Ron when he thought of the Dursleys and the sort of welcome he could expect next time he turned up on Privet Drive.**

Dumbledore looked pale at this, and Harry had hopes that the Headmaster was learning.

**On their last evening, Mrs. Weasley conjured up a sumptuous dinner that included all of Harry's favorite things, ending with a mouthwatering treacle pudding. Fred and George rounded off the evening with a display of Filibuster fireworks; they filled the kitchen with red and blue stars that bounced from ceiling to wall for at least half an hour.**

"The Wildfire Whizbangs are so much cooler though," Ginny said, sighing happily.

"And the look on Umbridge's face when she saw them only added to our pleasure," Harry added.

The twins were beaming with pride.

**Then it was time for a last mug of hot chocolate and bed.**

**It took a long while to get started next morning. They were up at dawn, but somehow they still seemed to have a great deal to do. Mrs. Weasley dashed about in a bad mood looking for spare socks and quills; people kept colliding on the stairs, half-dressed with bits of toast in their hands; and Mr. Weasley nearly broke his neck, tripping over a stray chicken as he crossed the yard carrying Ginny's trunk to the car.**

**Harry couldn't see how eight people, six large trunks, two owls, and a rat were going to fit into one small Ford Anglia.**

Lily arched a brow and looked suspicious at this, while Arthur just whistled under his breath and stared at the ceiling.

Molly started to glare at her husband, suspecting what he had done.

**He had reckoned, of course, without the special features that Mr. Weasley had added.**

"I knew it!" Molly bellowed. "How could you break your own law, I'll never know!"

Arthur cringed and shrank away from his wife.

"Is this what I have to look forward to?" Hermione whispered to Fred. "You breaking laws, and me lecturing you for it?"

"Maybe," Fred said hesitantly.

She sighed in resignation. "At least life will never be dull," she muttered.

"**Not a word to Molly," he whispered to Harry as he opened the trunk and showed him how it had been magically expanded so that the luggage fitted easily.**

"Asking a child to keep your secrets!" Molly screeched. "How could you?"

"Quite easily apparently," Sirius muttered to James.

**When at last they were all in the car, Mrs. Weasley glanced into the back seat, where Harry, Ron, Fred, George, and Percy were all sitting comfortably side by side, and said, "Muggles **_**do**_** know more than we give them credit for, don't they?" She and Ginny got into the front seat, which had been stretched so that it resembled a park bench. "I mean, you'd never know it was this roomy from the outside, would you?"**

The Marauders snickered, and Bill, Charlie and Cedric seemed to be having trouble breathing.

**Mr. Weasley started up the engine and they trundled out of the yard, Harry turning back for a last look at the house. He barely had time to wonder when he'd see it again when they were back – George had forgotten his box of Filibuster fireworks. Five minutes after that, they skidded to a halt in the yard so that Fred could run in for his broomstick. They had almost reached the highway when Ginny shrieked that she'd left her diary.**

Ginny shuddered and whimpered, before crawling into Harry's lap and burrowing her face into his neck. Harry sat in shock for a moment, unsure of where to put his hands, when Remus helped him out.

The Marauder took Harry's hands and placed them on the shuddering girl's back before mouthing, "Rub her back," at him.

Harry did as ordered and was relieved when his girlfriend began to calm down.

**By the time she had clambered back into the car, they were running very late, and tempers were running high.**

**Mr. Weasley glanced at his watch and then at his wife.**

"**Molly, dear—"**

"_**No**_**, Arthur—"**

"**No one would see—this little button here is an Invisibility Booster I installed — that'd get us up in the air—then we fly above the clouds. We'd be there in ten minutes and no one would be any the wiser — "**

"**I said **_**no**_**, Arthur, not in broad daylight—"**

"It was so disappointing too," Fred said. "Flying the car is _so _much fun."

**They reached King's Cross at a quarter to eleven. Mr. Weasley dashed across the road to get trolleys for their trunks and they all hurried into the station.**

**Harry had caught the Hogwarts Express the previous year.**

"What did you catch it with?" Sirius asked randomly. "A net… Your hands… A fishing pole… Why are you all staring at me like that?"

"Never mind, Padfoot," James said, smiling.

**The tricky part was getting onto platform nine and three-quarters, which wasn't visible to the Muggle eye. What you had to do was walk through the solid barrier dividing platforms nine and ten. It didn't hurt, but it had to be done carefully so that none of the Muggles noticed you vanishing.**

"**Percy first," said Ms. Weasley, looking nervously at the clock overhead, which showed they had only five minutes to disappear casually through the barrier.**

"Does anyone else think that Percy might benefit from being here?" Bill asked suddenly.

"NO," Ron cried in alarm. "Don't mention his name!"

"Whose name?" came a voice from directly behind the youngest male Weasley.

Ron turned then groaned in annoyance. It was Percy.

"Have a seat next to Malfoy, Percy," Bill said. "We were just wondering if you would benefit from being here, and apparently you would, because here you are."

Percy shrugged. "What are we doing?"

"Reading a book about my second year at Hogwarts," Harry replied.

"So that's why my sister is in your lap?" Percy asked.

"Yup."

"Hm." Percy looked around the table. "The Professors are all looking rather young, and if those aren't the Potters, I'll kiss a dragon. Is that Professor Lupin? And who are all these other people? Egads! Is that Cedric? I thought You-know-who killed him!"

"All you Weasleys, Tonks, Draco, Luna, Neville, the Dursleys, and I were taken from the present time. The Professors are from Halloween '81, and everyone else is from nineteen seventy-seven. Oh, and Cedric is on loan from Heaven," Harry explained. "The powers-that-be decided that the future doesn't look too pretty, so we're gonna be changing some things."

Percy blinked his eyes several times. "Well that explains a lot," he muttered.

"Shall we continue then," George asked snootily.

**Percy strode briskly forward and vanished. Mr. Weasley went next; Fred and George followed.**

"**I'll take Ginny and you two come right after us," Mrs. Weasley told Harry and Ron, grabbing Ginny's hand and setting off. In the blink of an eye they were gone.**

"**Let's go together, we've only got a minute," Ron said to Harry.**

"Cue ominous music," Hermione muttered.

"Dun-Dun-Duuuun," Fred said.

"Thanks, Fred," Hermione said, groaning. "But I was being sarcastic."

**Harry made sure that Hedwig's cage was safely wedged on top of his trunk and wheeled his trolley around to face the barrier. He felt perfectly confident; this wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as using Floo powder. Both of them bent low over the handles of their trolleys and walked purposefully toward the barrier, gathering speed. A few feet away from it, they broke into a run and—**

**CRASH.**

**Both trolleys hit the barrier and bounced backward; Ron's trunk fell off with a loud thump, Harry was knocked off his feet, and Hedwig's cage bounced onto the shiny floor, and she rolled away, shrieking indignantly; people all around them stared and a guard nearby yelled, "What in blazes d'you think you're doing?"**

Lily winced. "Oh, dear," she murmured. "This isn't good."

"Understatement of the century," Ron muttered, neck red from embarrassment.

"**Lost control of the trolley," Harry gasped, clutching his ribs as he got up. Ron ran to pick up Hedwig, who was causing such a scene that there was a lot of muttering about cruelty to animals from the surrounding crowd.**

"**Why can't we get through?" Harry hissed to Ron.**

"**I dunno—"**

**Ron looked wildly around. A dozen curious people were still watching them.**

"**We're going to miss the train," Ron whispered. "I don't understand why the gateway's sealed itself — "**

"Neither do I," Severus said, rubbing his chin idly with one hand and looking oddly like Sherlock Holmes.

**Harry looked up at the giant clock with a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. Ten seconds…nine seconds…**

**He wheeled his trolley forward cautiously until it was right against the barrier and pushed with all his might. The metal remained solid.**

**Three seconds… two seconds… one second…**

Half the room groaned.

"**It's gone," said Ron, sounding stunned. "The train's left. What if Mum and Dad can't get back through to us? Have you got any Muggle money?"**

**Harry gave a hollow laugh. "The Dursleys haven't given me pocket money for about six years."**

"More like never," Harry muttered, ignoring the glares his so-called family was sending him.

**Ron pressed his ear to the cold barrier.**

"**Can't hear a thing," he said tensely. "What're we going to do? I don't know how long it'll take Mum and Dad to get back to us."**

**They looked around. People were still watching them, mainly because of Hedwig's continuing screeches.**

"**I think we'd better go and wait by the car," said Harry.**

"Good idea," Severus said, nodding at Harry.

"**We're attracting too much atten — "**

"**Harry!" said Ron, his eyes gleaming. "The car!"**

Ron shrank down in his seat.

"**What about it?"**

"**We can fly the car to Hogwarts!"**

Dumbledore sprayed the table with the tea he had just sipped.

"**But I thought — "**

"**We're stuck, right? And we've got to get to school, haven't we? And even underage wizards are allowed to use magic if it's a real emergency, section nineteen or something of the Restriction of Thingy—"**

"Do you have an owl or not!" Severus snapped, glaring at the red-head viciously.

"**But your Mum and Dad…" said Harry, pushing against the barrier again in the vain hope that it would give way. "How will they get home?"**

"**They don't need the car!" said Ron impatiently. "They know how to Apparate! You know, just vanish and reappear at home! They only bother with Floo powder and the car because we're all underage and we're not allowed to Apparate yet…."**

Minerva moaned, and a bottle of scotch appeared in front of her. She twisted off the cap, lifted the bottle in a silent toast, and took a long swig from it.

**Harry's feeling of panic turned suddenly into excitement.**

"NO!" Severus yelled, still glaring at Ron. "The Gryffindor is corrupting my protégé!"

Ron shrank back in fear, eyes darting wildly.

"**Can you fly it?"**

"**No problem," said Ron, wheeling his trolley around to face the exit. "C'mon, let's go. If we hurry we'll be able to follow the Hogwarts Express — "**

Neville groaned loudly. "Better you two than me. Gran would tan my hide if I did something that stupid," he said.

"My parents would too," Cedric said.

**And they marched off through the crowd of curious Muggles, out of the station and back onto the side road where the old Ford Anglia was parked.**

**Ron unlocked the cavernous trunk with a series of taps from his wand. They heaved their luggage back in, put Hedwig on the back seat, and got into the front.**

"**Check that no one's watching," said Ron, starting the ignition with another tap of his wand. Harry stuck his head out of the window: Traffic was rumbling along the main road ahead, but their street was empty.**

"**Okay," he said.**

Luna sighed dreamily. "This time around, can I come with you?" she asked Harry in her dreamy tone.

"If we do it again, Luna, you are more than welcome to come along," Harry responded, certain that it wouldn't happen again.

**Ron pressed a tiny silver button on the dashboard. The car around them vanished — and so did they.**

"A Disillusionment Charm, activated by pushing a button?" Remus asked. "Brilliant!" he declared.

The twins exchanged looks, and Fred pulled out a notebook and pen, and wrote something down.

**Harry could feel the seat vibrating beneath him, hear the engine, feel his hands on his knees and his glasses on his nose, but for all he could see, he had become a pair of eyeballs, floating a few feet above the ground in a dingy street full of parked cars.**

"**Let's go," said Ron's voice from his right.**

**And the ground and the dirty buildings on either side fell away, dropping out of sight as the car rose; in seconds, the whole of London lay, smoky and glittering, below them.**

**Then there was a popping noise and the car, Harry, and Ron reappeared.**

Minerva groaned loudly, rubbing her temples with her fingers. She grabbed her scotch and took another swig.

"**Uh-oh," said Ron, jabbing at the Invisibility Booster. "It's faulty — "**

Severus muttered several choice oaths under his breath.

**Both of them pummeled it. The car vanished. Then it flickered back again.**

"**Hold on!" Ron yelled, and he slammed his foot on the accelerator; they shot straight into the low, woolly clouds and everything turned dull and foggy.**

"**Now what?" said Harry, blinking at the solid mass of cloud pressing in on them from all sides.**

"**We need to see the train to know what direction to go in," said Ron.**

Bill and Charlie exchanged looks. Charlie shook his head and rolled his eyes at his brother.

"You are both _so _grounded," Ree said to Harry and Ron, Charles by her side, nodding his head.

"**Dip back down again — quickly — "**

**They dropped back beneath the clouds and twisted round in their seats, squinting at the ground.**

"**I can see it!" Harry yelled.**

"**Right ahead — there!"**

**The Hogwarts Express was streaking along below them like a scarlet snake.**

"Snakes," Sirius said, shuddering. "I hate 'em."

"**Due north," said Ron, checking the compass on the dashboard. "Okay, we'll just have to check on it every half hour or so — hold on — "**

**And they shot up through the clouds. A minute later, they burst out into a blaze of sunlight.**

**It was a different world. The wheels of the car skimmed the sea of fluffy cloud, the sky a bright, endless blue under the blinding white sun.**

"**All we've got to worry about now are airplanes," said Ron.**

Snape snorted. "And the detentions you are both sure to get," he muttered.

**They looked at each other and started to laugh; for a long time, they couldn't stop.**

**It was as though they had been plunged into a fabulous dream. This, thought Harry, was surely the only way to travel—past swirls and turrets of snowy cloud, in a car full of hot, bright sunlight, with a fat pack of toffees in the glove compartment, and the prospect of seeing Fred's and George's jealous faces when they landed smoothly and spectacularly on the sweeping lawn in front of Hogwarts castle.**

"_Our _jealous faces?" George asked incredulously. "Us jealous? NEVER!"

"Yeah," Fred agreed. "We are way too cool to ever be jealous of you two."

**They made regular checks on the train as they flew farther and farther north, each dip beneath the clouds showing them a different view. London was soon far behind them, replaced by neat green fields that gave way in turn to wide, purplish moors, a great city alive with cars like multicolored ants, villages with tiny toy churches.**

**Several uneventful hours later, however, Harry had to admit that some of the fun was wearing off.**

Harry nodded. "It was a long boring trip. I never want to do that again," he explained.

Luna pouted.

**The toffees had made them extremely thirsty and they had nothing to drink. He and Ron had pulled off their sweaters, but Harry's T-shirt was sticking to the back of his seat and his glasses kept sliding down to the end of his sweaty nose. He had stopped noticing the fantastic cloud shapes now and was thinking longingly of the train miles below, where you could buy ice-cold pumpkin juice from as trolley pushed by a plump witch. **_**Why**_** hadn't they been able to get onto platform nine and three-quarters?**

"And the boy shows some intelligence," Severus said. "Praise be!"

"**Can't be much further, can it?" croaked** **Ron, hours later still, as the sun started to sink into their floor of cloud, staining it a deep pink. "Ready for another check on the train?"**

**It was still right below them, winding its way past a snowcapped mountain. It was much darker beneath the canopy of clouds.**

**Ron put his foot on the accelerator and drove them upward again, but as he did so, the engine began to whine.**

**Harry and Ron exchanged nervous glances.**

As did the adults, all of whom felt like something bad was about to happen.

"**It's probably just tired," said Ron. "It's never been this far before…."**

**And they both pretended not to notice the whining growing louder and louder as the sky became steadily darker. Stars were blossoming in the blackness. Harry pulled his sweater back on, trying to ignore the way the windshield wipers were now waving feebly, as though in protest.**

"Oh dear," Molly murmured, twisting her fingers together nervously.

"**Not far," said Ron, more to the car than to Harry, "not far now," and he patted the dashboard nervously.**

The Marauders exchanged pale glances.

**When they flew back beneath the clouds a little while later, they had to squint through the darkness for a landmark they knew.**

"_**There!**_**" Harry shouted,** **making Ron and Hedwig jump. "Straight ahead!"**

**Silhouetted on the dark horizon, high on the cliff over the lake, stood the many turrets and towers of Hogwarts castle.**

**But the car had begun to shudder and was losing speed.**

"No, no, no, no, no," Ron muttered under his breath.

Dudley stared at him stupidly.

"**Come on," Ron said cajolingly, giving the steering wheel a little shake, "nearly there, come on — "**

**The engine groaned. Narrow jets of steam were issuing from under the hood. Harry found himself gripping the edges of his seat very hard as they flew toward the lake.**

**The car gave a nasty wobble. Glancing out of his window, Harry saw the smooth, black, glassy surface of the water, a mile below. Ron's knuckles were white on the steering wheel. The car wobbled again.**

Molly moaned loudly. "They're going to crash into the lake and drown, I just know it!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Mum," Percy said. "They're still alive, aren't they!"

"Percy is right, Molly," Arthur said gently.

"Don't you talk to me right now!" Molly snapped. "This is all your fault!"

"**Come **_**on**_**," Ron muttered.**

**They were over the lake — the castle was right ahead — Ron put his foot down.**

**There was a loud clunk, a splutter, and the engine died completely.**

Ron began thumping his head on the table.

"**Uh-oh," said Ron, into the silence.**

"Huh," Dudley said. "I don't get it."

"_**Noooooo!**_**" Ron yelled, swinging the steering wheel around; they missed the dark stone wall by inches as the car turned in a great arc, soaring over the dark greenhouses, then the vegetable patch, and then out over the black lawns, losing altitude all the time.**

**Ron let go of the steering wheel completely and pulled his wand out of his back pocket —**

"**STOP! STOP!" he yelled, whacking the dashboard and the windshield, but they were still plummeting, the ground flying up toward them —**

Ron moaned loudly.

"**WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!"** **Harry bellowed, lunging for the steering wheel, but too late —**

"Ah, shit!" Remus said.

"What?" Sirius asked confusedly.

"The title of the chapter was 'The Whomping Willow'," Remus explained.

"Ah, crap!" Sirius said.

**CRUNCH.**

**With an earsplitting bang of metal on wood, they hit the thick tree trunk and dropped to the ground with a heavy jolt. Steam was billowing from under the crumpled hood; Hedwig was shrieking in terror; a golfball-size lump was throbbing on Harry's head where he had hit the windshield; and to his right, Ron let out a low, despairing groan.**

"YOU WEREN'T WEARING A SEATBELT?!" Lily screamed.

Harry cringed back from his mother.

"Here's a notebook, and a pen," Lily said, pulling the items out of her book bag. "I want six hundred lines. 'I will always wear a seatbelt when inside a moving vehicle.' NOW!"

Harry jumped in shock, grabbed the pen and notebook and began scribbling away as George continued reading, and Snape looked at Lily in admiration.

"**Are you okay?" Harry said urgently.**

"**My wand," said Ron, in a shaky voice. "Look at my wand — "**

**It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on by a few splinters.**

Ron groaned, and began hitting his head on the table again.

**Harry opened his mouth to say he was sure they'd be able to mend it up at the school, but he never even got started. At that very moment, something hit his side of the car with the force of a charging bull, sending him lurching sideways into Ron, just as an equally heavy blow hit the roof.**

"**What's happen —?"**

**Ron gasped, staring through the windshield, and Harry looked around just in time to see a branch as thick as a python smack into it. The tree they had hit was attacking them. Its trunk was bent almost double, and its gnarled boughs were pummeling every inch of the car it could reach.**

James groaned. "Get away from the tree. Get away from the tree," he muttered over and over.

"**Aaargh!" said Ron as another twisted limb punched a large dent into his door; the windshield was now trembling under a hail of blows from knuckle-like twigs and a branch as thick as a battering ram was pounding furiously on the roof, which seemed to be caving —**

"Cool!" Dudley exclaimed loudly.

"**Run for it!" Ron shouted, throwing his full weight against his door, but next second he had been knocked backward into Harry's lap by a vicious uppercut from another branch.**

"**We're done for!" he moaned as the ceiling sagged, but suddenly the floor of the car was vibrating—the engine had restarted.**

"Well, that is lucky," Dumbledore muttered.

"_**Reverse!**_**" Harry yelled, and the car shot backward; the tree was still trying to hit them; they could hear its roots creaking as it almost ripped itself up, lashing out at them as they sped out of reach.**

"Did you charm the car to respond to verbal commands?" Dumbledore asked Arthur.

"No," the eldest Weasley said.

"Fascinating," Dumbledore muttered, his face lighting up.

"**That," panted Ron, "was close. Well done, car — "**

**The car, however, had reached the end of its tether. With two sharp clunks, the doors flew open and Harry felt his seat tip sideways: Next thing he knew he was sprawled on the damp ground. Loud thuds told him that the car was ejecting their luggage from the trunk; Hedwig's cage flew through the air and burst open; she rose out of it with an angry screech and sped off toward the castle without a backward look, then, dented, scratched, and steaming, the car rumbled off into the darkness, its rear lights blazing angrily.**

"It's possible for a car to be angry?" Neville asked, astonished.

"Obviously," Luna said.

"Weird," Neville muttered.

"**Come back!" Ron yelled after it, brandishing his broken wand. "Dad'll kill me!"**

"Dad?" Charlie asked. "What about Mum?"

Ron just groaned in response.

**But the car disappeared from view with one last snort from its exhaust.**

"**Can you **_**believe**_** our luck?" said Ron miserably, bending down to pick up Scabbers. "Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back."**

Sirius nodded sympathetically. "Rotten luck, that."

**He glanced over his shoulder at the ancient tree, which was still flailing its branches threateningly.**

"**Come on," said Harry wearily, "we'd better get up to the school…."**

**It wasn't at all the triumphant arrival they had pictured. Stiff, cold, and bruised, they seized the ends of their trunks and began dragging them up the grassy slope, toward the great oak front doors.**

Fred and George exchanged smirks.

"Why on earth would we be jealous of that?" George said smugly.

Ron gave him a rude gesture.

"**I think the feast's already started," said Ron, dropping his trunk at the foot of the front steps and crossing quietly to look through a brightly lit window. "Hey — Harry — come and look — it's the Sorting!"**

**Harry hurried over and, together, he and Ron peered in at the Great Hall.**

**Innumerable candles were hovering in midair over four long, crowded tables, making the golden plates and goblets sparkle. Overhead, the bewitched ceiling, which always mirrored the sky outside, sparkled with stars.**

**Through the forest of pointed black Hogwarts hats, Harry saw a long line of scared-looking first years filing into the Hall. Ginny was among them, easily visible because of her vivid Weasley hair. Meanwhile, Professor McGonagall, a bespectacled witch with her hair in a tight bun, was placing the famous Hogwarts Sorting Hat on a stool before the newcomers.**

**Every year, this aged old hat, patched, frayed, and dirty, sorted new students into the four Hogwarts houses (Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin). Harry well remembered putting it on, exactly one year ago, and waiting, petrified for its decision as it muttered aloud in his ear. For a few horrible seconds he had feared that the hat was going to put him in Slytherin,**

Percy gasped loudly. "YOU TOO?" he bellowed before turning a sickly shade of gray and cringing away from George.

"Don't worry, Perce," Fred said.

"We were also considered for Slytherin," George added.

Snape fell out of his chair with a thud.

"Hm." Minerva said, "He fainted. _Enervate_."

Snape climbed shakily to his feet, then collapsed, pale and shaking, into his seat.

…**the house that had turned out more Dark witches and wizards than any other —** **but he had ended up in Gryffindor, along with Ron, Hermione, and the rest of the Weasleys. Last term, Harry and Ron had helped Gryffindor win the House Championship, beating Slytherin for the first time in seven years.**

"Just keep rubbing it in, why don't you," Draco muttered, pouting.

**A very small, mousy-haired boy had been called forward to place the hat on his head.**

"Colin," Harry and Hermione said together, earning them some odd glances from the three Potters and one Evans.

**Harry's eyes wandered past him to where Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster, sat watching the Sorting from the staff table, his long silver beard and half-moon glasses shining brightly in the candlelight. Several seats along, Harry saw Gilderoy Lockhart,** **dressed in robes of aquamarine. And there at the end was Hagrid, huge and hairy, drinking deeply from his goblet.**

"**Hang on…" Harry muttered to Ron. "There's an empty chair at the staff table…. Where's Snape?"**

"Dun-Dun-DUUUUUN!" Fred said loudly, making Dudley squeak with fear.

**Professor Severus Snape was Harry's least favorite teacher.**

Severus smirked at Harry.

**Harry also happened to be Snape's least favorite student.**

Harry smirked back at Snape.

**Cruel, sarcastic, and disliked by everybody except the students from his own house (Slytherin), Snape taught Potions.**

"**Maybe he's ill!" said Ron hopefully.**

"RONALD WEASLEY!" Molly bellowed. "That was rude! I thought I raised you better than that! You are grounded for being disrespectful to a Professor!"

Ron groaned.

"**Maybe he's **_**left**_**," said Harry, "because he missed out on the Defense Against Dark Arts job **_**again**_**!"**

"**Or he might have been **_**sacked**_**!" said Ron enthusiastically. "I mean, everyone hates him—"**

"Dun-Dun," Fred began, but was interrupted when Hermione smacked the back of his head resulting in…

"OW!"

"**Or maybe," said a very cold voice right behind them, "he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train."**

"Sev," Lily said.

"Yes, Lily," Severus replied.

"Take care of my son while he's at school?" she asked.

"Done," he replied.

**Harry spun around. There, his black robes rippling in a cold breeze,** **stood Severus Snape. He was a thin man with sallow skin, a hooked nose, and greasy, shoulder-length black hair, and at this moment, he was smiling** **in a way that told Harry he and Ron were in very deep trouble.**

Harry gulped nervously, staring at Snape.

"**Follow me," said Snape.**

**Not daring even to look at each other, Harry and Ron followed Snape up the steps into the vast, echoing entrance hall, which was lit with flaming torches. A delicious smell of food was wafting from the Great Hall, but Snape led them away from the warmth and light, down a narrow stone staircase that led into the dungeons.**

"Eep," Dudley squeaked, staring at Snape in fear.

**"In!" he said, opening a door halfway down the cold passageway and pointing.**

**They entered Snape's office, shivering. The shadowy walls were lined with shelves of large glass jars, in which floated all manner of revolting things Harry didn't really want to know the name of at the moment.**

Severus smirked at Harry.

**The fireplace was dark and empty. Snape closed the door and turned to look at them.**

**"So," he said softly, "the train isn't good enough for the famous Harry Potter and his faithful sidekick Weasley. Wanted to arrive with a **_**bang**_**, did we, boys?"**

"I love intimidating people," Snape said with a blissful smile.

**"No, sir, it was the barrier at King's Cross, it—"**

**"Silence!" said Snape coldly. "What have you done with the car?"**

**Ron gulped. This wasn't the first time Snape had given Harry the impression of being able to read minds. But a moment later, he understood, as Snape unrolled today's issue of the **_**Evening Prophet**_**.**

"Uh-oh," James said. "They are so dead."

Sirius nodded his head sympathetically.

**"You were seen," he hissed, showing them the headline: **_**FLYING FORD ANGLIA MYSTIFIES MUGGLES**_**. He began to read aloud: "Two Muggles in London, convinced they saw an old car flying over the Post Office tower…at noon in Norfolk, Mrs. Hetty Bayliss, while hanging out her washing…Mr. Angus Fleet, of Peebles, reported to police…Six or seven Muggles in all. I believe **_**your**_** father works in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office?" he said, looking up at Ron and smiling still more nastily. "Dear, dear…his own son…"**

Arthur looked pale, and shrank in his seat.

**"I noticed, in my search of the park, that considerable damage seems to have been done to a very valuable Whomping Willow," Snape went on.**

"How valuable is valuable?" Harry asked.

"About as valuable as a Firebolt," Neville said.

"SHIT!" Harry yelled.

"_Scourgify_!" Lily said.

Harry nearly choked on the soapy taste that was invading his mouth.

"I've put up with that language coming from you for far too long," she said. "BUT NO MORE!"

"Yes, ma'am," Harry choked out, while Ree and Molly were applauding Lily.

**"That tree did more damage to **_**us**_** than we—" Ron blurted out.**

**"**_**Silence!**_**" snapped Snape again. "Most unfortunately, you are not in my House and the decision to expel you does not rest with me. I shall go and fetch the people who **_**do**_** have that happy power.** **You will wait here."**

"Damn I'm good," Severus whispered to himself, not wanting Lily to hear him curse. She had (more than once) washed his mouth out.

**Harry and Ron stared at each other, white-faced. Harry didn't feel hungry any more. He now felt extremely sick. He tried not to look at a large, slimy something suspended in green liquid on a shelf behind Snape's desk.**

"Hippogriff tongue," Snape said to the room at large.

Nearly everyone looked ill at this.

**If Snape had gone to fetch Professor McGonagall, head of Gryffindor House, they were hardly any better off. She might be fairer than Snape, but she was still extremely strict.**

Minerva smirked smugly.

**Ten minutes later, Snape returned, and sure enough it was Professor McGonagall who accompanied him. Harry had seen Professor McGonagall angry on several occasions, but either he had forgotten just how thin her mouth could go, or he had never seen her this angry before. She raised her wand the moment she entered; Harry and Ron both flinched, but she merely pointed it at the empty fireplace, where flames suddenly erupted.**

"Oh dear, you really thought that I…" Minerva trailed off.

Harry shrugged. "I grew up with the Dursleys," he muttered.

**"Sit," she said, and they both backed into chairs by the fire.**

**"Explain," she said, her glasses glinting ominously.**

**Ron launched into the story, starting with the barrier at the station refusing to let them through.**

**"— so we had no choice, Professor, we couldn't get on the train."**

**"Why didn't you send us a letter by owl? I believe **_**you**_** have an owl?" Professor McGonagall said coldly to Harry.**

**"I — I didn't think — "**

"That's obvious," Ree muttered.

**"That," said Professor McGonagall, "is obvious."**

"Weird," The twins said as one.

**There was a knock on the office door and Snape, now looking happier** **than ever, opened it. There stood the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore.**

**Harry's whole body went numb. Dumbledore was looking unusually grave. He stared down his very crooked nose at them, and Harry suddenly found himself wishing he and Ron were still being beaten up by the Whomping Willow.**

Dumbledore looked paler than ever.

**There was a long silence. Then Dumbledore said, "Please explain why you did this."**

**It would have been better if he had shouted. Harry hated the disappointment in his voice. For some reason, he was unable to look Dumbledore in the eyes, and spoke instead to his knees. **

"He's good at that, isn't he? Making you feel guilty," Snape said sympathetically.

**He told Dumbledore everything except that Mr. Weasley owned the bewitched car, making it sound as though he and Ron had happened to find a flying car parked outside the station. He knew Dumbledore would see through this at once, but Dumbledore asked no questions about the car. When Harry had finished, he merely continued to peer at them through his spectacles.**

**"We'll go and get our stuff," said Ron in a hopeless sort of voice.**

**"What are you talking about, Weasley?" barked Professor McGonagall.**

**"Well, you're expelling us, aren't you?" said Ron.**

**Harry looked quickly at Dumbledore.**

**"Not today, Mr. Weasley,"** **said Dumbledore. "But I must impress upon both of you the seriousness of what you have done. I will be writing to both your families tonight. I must also warn you that if you do anything like this again, I will have no choice but to expel you."**

"I got a terrible beating the next summer for that one," Harry said shuddering.

Dumbledore looked green at this.

**Snape looked as though Christmas had been canceled. He cleared his throat and said, "Professor Dumbledore, these boys have flouted the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry, caused serious damage to an old and valuable tree — surely acts of this nature — "**

"In my defense," Severus said. "He never did punish you three," he pointed at the Marauders, "when you broke the rules. It was just a tap on the wrist, while we Slytherins got the book thrown at us."

James and Remus flinched at this, but Sirius was too busy trying to read his tea leaves to give a response.

**"It will be for Professor McGonagall to decide on these boys' punishments, Severus," said Dumbledore calmly. "They are in her House and are therefore her responsibility." He turned to Professor McGonagall. "I must go back to the feast, Minerva, I've got to give out a few notices. Come, Severus, there's a delicious-looking custard tart I want to sample—"**

**Snape shot a look of pure venom at Harry and Ron as he allowed himself to be swept out of his office, leaving them alone with Professor McGonagall, who was still eyeing them like a wrathful eagle.**

"Are you sure you weren't a Ravenclaw?" James asked Minerva.

"Quite sure, James. I was considered for it though," she replied.

Hermione beamed, knowing that someone she admired greatly had nearly been put in the same house that she was considered for.

**"You'd better get along to the hospital wing, Weasley, you're bleeding."**

**"Not much," said Ron, hastily wiping the cut over his eye with his sleeve. "Professor, I wanted to watch my sister being Sorted — "**

**"The Sorting Ceremony is over," said Professor McGonagall. "Your sister is also in Gryffindor."**

"Thank Merlin for that," Ginny said. "The Hat also considered me for Slytherin."

Snape smirked. "You, I could tolerate," he said.

"HEY!" Percy and the twins yelled together.

**"Oh, good," said Ron.**

**"And speaking of Gryffindor —" Professor McGonagall said sharply, but Harry cut in: "Professor, when we took the car, term hadn't started, so — so Gryffindor shouldn't really have points taken from it — should it?" he finished, watching her anxiously.**

"Very Slytherin of you, Mr. Potter," Snape said. "Very Slytherin indeed."

**Professor McGonagall gave him a piercing look, but he was sure she had almost smiled. Her mouth looked less thin, anyway.**

**"I will not take any points from Gryffindor," she said, and Harry's heart lightened considerably. "But you will both get a detention."**

Sirius mouth hung open in shock. "She must really like you, Harry," he muttered. "She'd never have done that for us."

**It was better than Harry had expected. As for Dumbledore's writing to the Dursleys, that was nothing. Harry knew perfectly well they'd just be disappointed that the Whomping Willow hadn't squashed him flat.**

"But they were embarrassed that I was in trouble, not to mention the arrival of the owl," Harry muttered.

**Professor McGonagall raised her wand again and pointed it at Snape's desk. A large plate of sandwiches, two silver goblets, and a jug of iced pumpkin juice appeared with a pop.**

"**You will eat in here and then go straight up to your dormitory," she said. "I must also return to the feast."**

"It would draw too much attention to your late arrival if I let you go to the feast," she explained.

**When the door had closed behind her,** **Ron let out a long, low whistle. "I thought we'd had it," he said, grabbing a sandwich.**

**"So did I," said Harry, taking one, too.**

**"Can you believe our luck, though?" said Ron thickly through a mouthful of chicken and ham. "Fred and George must've flown that car five or six times and no Muggle ever saw **_**them**_**." He swallowed and took another huge bite. "**_**Why**_** couldn't we get through the barrier?"**

"Excellent question," Severus said. "Perhaps the House-elf would know why."

Harry stared at him, his mouth hanging open slightly. "How does he do that?" he whispered to Remus, who shrugged.

**Harry shrugged. "We'll have to watch our step from now on, though," he said, taking a grateful swig of pumpkin juice. "Wish we could've gone up to the feast…."**

**"She didn't want us showing off," said Ron sagely. "Doesn't want people to think it's clever, arriving by flying car."**

"That was actually rather intelligent, Ronald," Hermione said.

"Don't sound so shocked!" the boy snapped at her.

**When they had eaten as many sandwiches as they could (the plate kept refilling itself) they rose and left the office, treading the familiar path to Gryffindor Tower. The castle was quiet; it seemed that the feast was over. They walked past muttering portraits and creaking suits of armor, and climbed narrow flights of stone stairs, until at last they reached the passage where the secret entrance to Gryffindor Tower was hidden, behind an oil painting of a very fat woman in a pink silk dress.**

**"Password?" she said as they approached.**

**"Er —" said Harry.**

"Well, that was dumb of me," Minerva said, blinking her eyes in shock.

**They didn't know the new year's password, not having met a Gryffindor prefect yet, but help came almost immediately; they heard hurrying feet behind them and turned to see Hermione dashing toward them.**

**"**_**There**_** you are! Where have you **_**been**_**? The most **_**ridiculous**_** rumors — someone said you'd been expelled for crashing a flying **_**car **_**—"**

"How do those rumors get started anyway?" Harry asked.

Snape turned pink, making everyone stare at him.

"That explains it," James said.

**"You're not telling me you **_**did**_** fly here?" said Hermione, sounding almost as severe as Professor McGonagall.**

**"Skip the lecture," said Ron impatiently, "and tell us the new password."**

**"It's 'wattlebird,'" said Hermione impatiently, "but that's not the point —"**

"They were already lectured, Miss Granger," Minerva said. "You do not need to do so, as well."

Hermione blushed with embarrassment.

**Her words were cut short, however, as the portrait of the fat lady swung open and there was a sudden storm of clapping. It looked as though the whole of Gryffindor House was still awake, packed into the circular common room, standing on the lopsided tables and squashy armchairs, waiting for them to arrive. Arms reached through the portrait hole to pull Harry and Ron inside, leaving Hermione to scramble in after them.**

**"Brilliant!" yelled Lee Jordan. "Inspired! What an entrance! Flying a car right into the Whomping Willow, people'll be talking about that one for years –"**

Harry groaned, then said, "I hate my life sometimes."

**"Good for you," said a fifth year Harry had never spoken to; someone was patting him on the back as though he'd just won a marathon; Fred and George pushed their way to the front of the crowd and said together, "Why couldn't we've come in the car, eh?"**

"Not jealous, eh?" Ron asked the now blushing twins.

**Ron was scarlet in the face, grinning embarrassedly, but Harry could see one person who didn't look happy at all. Percy was visible over the heads of some excited first years, and he seemed to be trying to get near enough to start telling them off. Harry nudged Ron in the ribs and nodded in Percy's direction. Ron got the point at once.**

"Well, you were wrong," Percy said.

Snape suddenly said, "Stuff it, and for all our sanity LOOSEN UP!"

Percy's mouth fell open in shock.

**"Got to get upstairs — bit tired,"** **he said, and the two of them started pushing their way toward the door on the other side of the room, which led to a spiral staircase and the dormitories.**

**"'Night," Harry called back to Hermione, who was wearing a scowl just like Percy's.**

**They managed to get to the other side of the common room, still having their backs slapped, and gained the peace of the staircase. They hurried up it, right to the top, and at last reached the door of their old dormitory, which now had a sign on it saying SECOND YEARS.** **They entered the familiar, circular room, with its five four-posters hung with red velvet and its high, narrow windows. Their trunks had been brought up for them and stood at the ends of their beds.**

"Home sweet home," Harry announced, a blissful smile on his face.

**Ron grinned guiltily at Harry.**

**"I know I shouldn't've enjoyed that or anything, but —"**

**The dormitory door flew open and in came the other second year Gryffindor boys, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, and Neville Longbottom.**

Luna began to clap and cheer at the last name, making Neville blush.

**"**_**Unbelievable!**_**" beamed Seamus.**

**"Cool," said Dean.**

**"Amazing," said Neville, awestruck.**

**Harry couldn't help it. He grinned, too.**

"And Seamus just _had _to ruin it this year," Harry moaned.

George blew more bubbles out of his pipe, and took off his glasses and handed them to Luna.

She happily put them on, then accepted his smoking jacket and turned it canary yellow before putting it on. Luna then conjured her own bubble pipe, this in bubblegum pink.

* * *

**25 Points: Who was in both Star Trek and LOTRs?**

**10 Points: What characters did he play?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 6: Gilderoy Lockhart**

Luna read in a dreamy tone, making Sirius' eyes glaze over slightly.

Harry and Hermione both groaned loudly at the title, though for different reasons.

**The next day, however, Harry barely grinned once. Things started to go downhill from breakfast in the Great Hall. The four long house tables were laden with tureens of porridge, plates of kippers, mountains of toast, and dishes of eggs and bacon, beneath the enchanted ceiling (today, a dull, cloudy gray).**

"I'm hungry," Ron muttered.

"We _just _ate at the start of the _last _chapter!" Hermione exclaimed. "How can you be hungry _already_?"

Ron sniffed haughtily then replied, "I'm a growing boy. I need to eat a lot so I won't become anemic."

Ginny snorted at this.

"Where did _you_ learn what 'anemic' means?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"Oh," Ginny piped in, "He's heard Mum muttering about how Harry _must _be anemic, what with him being so bony, and eating so little in comparison to any one of my brothers."

Molly growled at this and glared at Petunia, making the scrawny woman nervous.

**Harry and Ron sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Hermione, who had her copy of **_**Voyages with Vampires**_** propped open against a milk jug. There was a slight stiffness in the way she said "Morning," which told Harry that she was still disapproving of the way they had arrived. Neville Longbottom, on the other hand, greeted them cheerfully. Neville was a round-faced and accident-prone boy with the worst memory of anyone Harry had ever met.**

Neville flushed in embarrassment.

"Hey, Nev," Harry said, getting the other boy's attention. "I'm scrawny, have knobbly knees, and am slightly claustrophobic."

Neville smiled a little at this, not feeling quite so bad. Harry had a way of cheering him up, no matter how embarrassed and/or depressed he got.

"I'm bossy, have bushy hair, and don't know how to relate to most people under the age of thirty," Hermione said.

Ginny proclaimed, "I have freckles, my right hand pinky finger is slightly crooked, and I _might_ have _accidentally_ helped Mundungus Fletcher steal some Class B illegal potions ingredients," she finished with a cringe.

Molly puffed up as though she were about to start yelling, but was interrupted before she could.

"We are telepathic, are each missing a big toenail, and woke up a month ago after partying with Lee, only to find each other's names tattooed in a very private spot," the twins said in unison, ears red.

Charlie shrugged his shoulder as if to say 'to hell with it', and said, "The burn on my right hand isn't actually from a rampaging Chinese Fireball, but from my last attempt at baking. I have really strange looking feet, all bony with big joints, and have a wart on one heel."

"I wear my hair long because it all got cursed off once when I forgot to check a tomb for prank wards, and it didn't grow back for six months. Never mind that I was in Egypt. And I burn. Easily," Bill said. "I had to spend the last two months in a tent in our back yard because… Raven… got mad at me for forgetting to pick up the books she had ordered and been waiting on for weeks. Oh, and I have a funky scar on my back that looks a lot like the Muggle American President."

After a pause, James said, "I had an accident when learning to be an animagus, and was stuck in the Hospital Wing with antlers for two weeks. When I get mad my right eye twitches so bad that I can barely see, and I once called Sirius 'Moony' by mistake."

"Something I have yet to forgive you for," Sirius said glaring at his best friend. Everyone stared at the gray-eyed Marauder until he said, "FINE! I have to color my hair because I am turning gray _already_! My favorite color is pink, and I am a virgin! Are you people happy now?"

Snape snickered, unfortunately drawing attention to himself. He decided to avoid being glared at, and volunteered the information the room was waiting for. "My nose is naturally this way, and has never been broken. I am distantly descended from a vampire, and I own a white kitten that I call Goober."

Dumbledore beamed and said, "My younger brother, Aberforth, broke my nose… both times. I love socks because my chambers at Hogwarts have wood floors, and I like to go sliding across them right after they are waxed. Also, I wear a beard because I have acne scars along my jaw from when I was a teenager."

Minerva smiled and donated this, "I have a gray, stuffed, catnip mouse that I play with. I have a heart shaped birthmark on my right leg, and I absolutely adore Sean Connery."

The women all giggled at this.

"I'm fat," Dudley muttered, but refused to say anything more.

Remus blushed. "Everyone here already knows that I'm a werewolf, so that's out… My first crush was on Narcissa Black, sorry Paddy, I know she's your cousin; I hate gummies, and the scars on my cheek came from when I crashed my broom into a tree… in fourth year."

"I'm dead," Cedric announced, "I think Lily Evans is hot, sorry, erm… James. I had considered asking Hermione to the Yule Ball, but Cho kinda asked me first. Also, I have webbed feet, but used a glamour charm during the Second Task."

"I'm a natural blonde," Percy said, his mother nodding confirmation. "Bill and Charlie always teased me about being adopted, when really I just took after Granny Prewett, so one day my accidental magic turned my hair red. When it started to wear off though, I convinced Mum to let me make it permanent. I actually find the twins amusing, but I think that they should use their brilliance for helping better the Magical world as opposed to creating pranks. Also, I might have had a bit of a crush on Hermione the year after I graduated."

"What is with everyone having a crush on Hermione?" Draco asked rhetorically.

"So… What are your three secrets, Draco?" Harry asked impishly.

Draco paled. After looking around, and seeing no sympathy from anyone, he said, "My middle name is not Lucius, contrary to popular opinion, but is really Narcissus. Needless to say, my mother was aptly named. My father had to use a paternity potion on me when I was born to confirm that I was his child, and not the product of one of my mother's affairs. Also, my hair is as messy as Harry's if I don't gel it every morning."

Ron moaned, then said, "I have a patch of freckles on my chest that looks like a rose; I absolutely hate meatloaf, sorry Mum; and last summer I snuck out to get a tattoo, but they wouldn't let me unless one of my parents came in with me and signed a form.

Molly again puffed up to lecture one of her children, but Arthur started speaking before she could. His confessions included tripping during his and Molly's wedding, almost dropping Ron on his head, and having a scar on his rear from a visit to Molly's Aunt Muriel's house (received while stumbling out of the floo apparently).

Luna happily admitted to walking in on her parents snogging, washing her hair with honey (thinking it was shampoo), and having a birthmark shaped like a Nargle on her lower back. She was excited to show it to everyone so that in the future they would recognize them.

Other confessions included the use of a love potion, accidentally ingesting a laxative right before going to someone's wedding, having a permanent white handprint on their back because someone slapped them there with sun block on their hand, walking in on Muriel in the shower, and misspelling their own name on their wedding certificate. Though Vernon and Petunia remained stubbornly silent.

At long last, Luna was able to continue.

"**Mail's due any minute — I think Gran's sending a few things I forgot."**

**Harry had only just started his porridge when, sure enough, there was a rushing sound overhead and a hundred or so owls streamed in, circling the hall and dropping letters and packages into the chattering crowd. A big, lumpy package bounced off Neville's head and, a second later, something large and gray fell into Hermione's jug, spraying them all with milk and feathers.**

Sirius suddenly screamed like a girl, leaping into James' lap, before bursting into noisy sobs, and wailing about someone named Murphy, the boogeyman, and his old owl named Bob.

Suffice it to say, that by the time James had him calmed, Fred and George were both snoring, and Lily's face exactly matched her hair in color.

"_**Errol!**_**" said Ron, pulling the bedraggled owl out by the feet. Errol slumped, unconscious, onto the table, his legs in the air and a damp red envelope in his beak.**

This time Remus screamed dramatically, "_It's a Howler!_"

"**Oh, no —" Ron gasped.**

"**It's all right, he's still alive," said Hermione, prodding Errol gently with the tip of her finger.**

"That's not what I was worried about," Ron muttered, his ears and neck red.

Fred and George, who had been prodded awake by Hermione and Luna respectively, snickered behind their hands.

"**It's not that — it's **_**that**_**."**

**Ron was pointing at the red envelope. It looked quite ordinary to Harry,**

Charles stared at him in shock until Ree smacked the back of his head.

…**but Ron and Neville were both looking at it as though they expected it to explode.**

"With good reason," Neville pointed out, "as they do if you ignore them."

"**What's the matter?" said Harry.**

"**She's — she's sent me a Howler," said Ron faintly.**

"**You'd better open it, Ron," said Neville in a timid whisper. "It'll be worse if you don't. My gran sent me one once, and I ignored it and" — he gulped — "it was horrible."**

"What did _you _get one for anyway?" Charlie asked.

Neville flushed before going stark white. "I was staying at Aunt Enid's and I stole her wand to hex Uncle Algie."

"Good on you," Bill said, grinning. "I've never liked Algernon Dagworth."

Neville smiled somewhat timidly, as he eyed Mrs. Weasley like _she _was about to explode, though he did flush with pride at the praise from his hero since childhood.

**Harry looked from their petrified faces to the red envelope.**

"**What's a Howler?" he said.**

**But Ron's whole attention was fixed on the letter, which had begun to smoke at the corners.**

"**Open it," Neville urged. "It'll all be over in a few minutes —"**

"But the teasing will last a lifetime," Charlie said with an evil grin.

Ron groaned loudly.

**Ron stretched out a shaking hand, eased the envelope from Errol's beak, and slit it open. Neville stuffed his fingers in his ears. A split second later, Harry knew why. He thought for a moment it **_**had**_** exploded; a roar of sound filled the huge hall, shaking dust from the ceiling.**

"— _**STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU, YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE**_** —"**

Luna had shouted this loudly, though her voice still managed to sound dreamy.

**Mrs. Weasley's yells, a hundred times louder than usual, made the plates and spoons rattle on the table, and echoed deafeningly off the stone walls. People throughout the hall were swiveling around to see who had received the Howler, and Ron sank so low in his chair that only his crimson forehead could be seen.**

"— _**LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS, YOU AND HARRY COULD BOTH HAVE DIED**_** —"**

**Harry had been wondering when his name was going to crop up. He tried very hard to look as though he couldn't hear the voice that was making his eardrums throb.**

"— _**ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED — YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME.**_**"**

"If it were me I would've come straight to the school myself to tan my son's backside," Petunia muttered, though everyone knew she wouldn't do that to Dudley. "It makes me wish that I'd read the letters that blasted school kept sending me instead of throwing them out."

Harry blinked in shock. He'd never known that Dumbledore had bothered trying to let his aunt know his escapades.

**A ringing silence fell. The red envelope, which had dropped from Ron's hand, burst into flames and curled into ashes. Harry and Ron sat stunned, as though a tidal wave had just passed over them. A few people laughed**

Cedric flushed guiltily.

…**and, gradually, a babble of talk broke out again.**

**Hermione closed **_**Voyages with Vampires**_** and looked down at the top of Ron's head.**

"Down?" Fred questioned, "You've never been taller than Ron."

"I guess I must've stood up," Hermione replied, looking confused.

"**Well, I don't know what you expected, Ron, but you —"**

"That was hardly the appropriate time, dear," Ree said in a kind tone.

"**Don't tell me I deserved it," snapped Ron.**

"But you did," Charles said, matter-of-factly. "I rather agree with Mrs. Dursley. I would have turned James over my knee if he'd done that."

James and Harry both paled so much that they could compete with Moaning Myrtle for "Most Ashen of the Year".

**Harry pushed his porridge away. His insides were burning with guilt.**

Mrs. Weasley looked guilty at this, not wanting to have been the cause of Harry missing a meal he couldn't afford to.

**Mr. Weasley was facing an inquiry at work. After all Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had done for him over the summer…**

"THAT'S IT!" Severus snapped. "Potter – Harry – come with me!"

Harry and Ginny stood, before Ginny curled up in Harry's seat while he left to talk with Snape.

No one at the table could hear what was being said, but George, who may or may not have had an Extendable Ear, claimed that the Professor was lecturing Harry about feeling guilty for world hunger, a mass murderer in America, and the infamous Irish Potato Famine.

When, at last, they returned to the table, Harry and Ginny returned to their earlier seating arrangement, and Severus cast a dark glare in the direction of Professor Dumbledore, and sneered at the Dursleys.

**But he had no time to dwell on this; Professor McGonagall was moving along the Gryffindor table, handing out course schedules. Harry took his and saw that they had double Herbology with the Hufflepuffs first.**

"It beats the Slytherins," Harry said, and was rewarded with a rude gesture from Draco, who got his hand slapped by Luna.

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the castle together, crossed the vegetable patch, and made for the greenhouses, where the magical plants were kept. At least the Howler had done one good thing:**

**Hermione seemed to think they had now been punished enough and was being perfectly friendly again.**

"Remind me," Ron said, "Why was that a good thing."

Harry glared. "Because you would have failed every subject at Hogwarts without her tutoring you," he replied.

"Oh, like you're so much better," Ron retorted.

"Actually," Hermione said, "He's always been second best in our year, even before Halloween our first year; and he's top male student. The only reason you got the Prefect badge was because Dumbledore thought Harry was under too much pressure already."

Ron grumbled but refused to say anything audible.

**As they neared the greenhouses they saw the rest of the class standing outside, waiting for Professor Sprout. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had only just joined them when she came striding into view across the lawn, accompanied by Gilderoy Lockhart.**

Anyone who had been his student, or knew him from their own school days, groaned loudly at this.

**Professor Sprout's arms were full of bandages, and with another twinge of guilt, Harry spotted the Whomping Willow in the distance, several of its branches now in slings.**

**Professor Sprout was a squat little witch who wore a patched hat over her flyaway hair; there was usually a large amount of earth on her clothes and her fingernails would have made Aunt Petunia faint.**

Petunia sniffed haughtily, but didn't deny this.

**Gilderoy Lockhart, however, was immaculate in sweeping robes of turquoise, his golden hair shining under a perfectly positioned turquoise hat with gold trimming.**

Harry and Ginny made loud gagging noises.

Vernon's moustache twitched and he muttered what sounded like an insult to gay men everywhere. No gay person would want to be associated with Lockhart.

"**Oh, hello there!" he called, beaming around at the assembled students. "Just been showing Professor Sprout the right way to doctor a Whomping Willow! But I don't want you running away with the idea that I'm better at Herbology than she is! I just happen to have met several of these exotic plants on my travels…"**

Minerva snorted at this.

"**Greenhouse three today, chaps!" said Professor Sprout, who was looking distinctly disgruntled, not at all her usual cheerful self.**

**There was a murmur of interest. They had only ever worked in greenhouse one before — greenhouse three housed far more interesting and dangerous plants. Professor Sprout took a large key from her belt and unlocked the door. Harry caught a whiff of damp earth and fertilizer mingling with the heavy perfume of some giant, umbrella-sized flowers dangling from the ceiling. He was about to follow Ron and Hermione inside when Lockhart's hand shot out.**

"**Harry! I've been wanting a word — you don't mind if he's a couple of minutes late, do you, Professor Sprout?"**

James Potter growled at this, and muttered loudly about getting Lockhart arrested for daring to touch _his_ son.

Sirius nodded solemnly in agreement.

**Judging by Professor Sprout's scowl, she did mind, but Lockhart said, "That's the ticket," and closed the greenhouse door in her face.**

"Jerk," Neville said, glaring at no one.

"**Harry," said Lockhart, his large white teeth gleaming in the sunlight as he shook his head. "Harry, Harry, Harry."**

"He already knew his name. You don't have to teach it to him," Ginny sneered.

**Completely nonplussed, Harry said nothing.**

"**When I heard — well, of course, it was all my fault. Could have kicked myself."**

**Harry had no idea what he was talking about. He was about to say so when Lockhart went on, "Don't know when I've been more shocked. Flying a car to Hogwarts! Well, of course, I knew at once why you'd done it. Stood out a mile. Harry, Harry, **_**Harry**_**."**

James snarled viciously.

**It was remarkable how he could show every one of those brilliant teeth even when he wasn't talking.**

Even Vernon shuddered at this.

"**Gave you a taste for publicity, didn't I?" said Lockhart. "Gave you the **_**bug**_**. You got onto the front page of the paper with me and you couldn't wait to do it again."**

"Can I kill him?" James asked turning to Lily with giant puppy-dog eyes. "_Pretty please!_"

"No, James," Lily said. "But if you're good I'll let you prank him."

James looked ecstatic. _He had permission to prank!_

"**Oh, no, Professor, see —"**

"**Harry, Harry, Harry," said Lockhart, reaching out and grasping his shoulder.**

It was Sirius who growled this time.

"_**I understand.**_** Natural to want a bit more once you've had that first taste — and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head — but see here, young man, you can't start **_**flying cars**_** to try and get yourself noticed. Just calm down, all right? Plenty of time for all that when you're older. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking! 'It's all right for him, he's an internationally famous wizard already!' But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now. **

The whole room bar the Dursleys began laughing hysterically, and it was nearly fifteen minutes before Luna could start reading again.

**In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they?**

"A few?!?" Ginny said incredulously. "Over half the girls in Hogwarts were raised on the story of the Boy-Who-Lived, and they dream of getting even the slightest bit of attention from Harry! Never mind the Muggleborns who would give anything to trade places with Hermione! And the boys all want to _be _him! A few people, Merlin's scrawny backside!"

Draco then pointed out, "Actually, there are also those boys who would do anything for some of Harry's attention… Boot, Smith, Rodgers, and Nott come to mind."

Harry shuddered and said, "Can we move on now, PLEASE?"

**All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" He glanced at the lightning scar on Harry's forehead. "I know, I know — it's not quite as good as winning **_**Witch Weekly**_**'s Most Charming-Smile Award five times in a row, as I have — but it's a **_**start**_**, Harry, it's a **_**start**_**."**

"Actually," Harry said, blushing, "During fourth year, they tried to give me the award, but Mione found a charm that would essentially work like a Notice-Me-Not charm, but was suitable for living beings. It, unfortunately does not work on Animagi."

"Harry has also won an award from _The Quibbler _for having the best Rotgraft free teeth we've ever seen," Luna said happily.

"Thanks, Luna," Harry said, still pink.

**He gave Harry a hearty wink and strode off. Harry stood stunned for a few seconds, then, remembering he was supposed to be in the greenhouse, he opened the door and slid inside.**

**Professor Sprout was standing behind a trestle bench in the center of the greenhouse. About twenty pairs of different-colored ear muffs were lying on the bench. When Harry had taken his place between Ron and Hermione, she said, "We'll be repotting Mandrakes today. Now, who can tell me the properties of the Mandrake?"**

"She held the lesson for you, Harry," Neville said.

Harry nodded. "Hermione told me, and I thanked Professor Sprout afterwards," he said, smiling.

**To nobody's surprise, Hermione's hand was first into the air.**

"No surprise there," Draco muttered, winking at the girl.

"**Mandrake, or Mandragora, is a powerful restorative," said Hermione, sounding as usual as though she had swallowed the textbook.**

She blushed.

Lily smiled at her though. She'd been the same way.

"**It is used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed to their original state."**

"**Excellent. Ten points to Gryffindor," said Professor Sprout. "The Mandrake forms an essential part of most antidotes. It is also, however, dangerous. Who can tell me why?"**

**Hermione's hand narrowly missed Harry's glasses as it shot up again.**

"My reflexes have become finely honed over the years, first from Dudley and his gang, then from Hermione's hand," Harry said.

"**The cry of the Mandrake is fatal to anyone who hears it," she said promptly.**

"**Precisely. Take another ten points," said Professor Sprout. "Now, the Mandrakes we have here are still very young."**

**She pointed to a row of deep trays as she spoke, and everyone shuffled forward for a better look. A hundred or so tufty little plants, purplish green in color, were growing there in rows.**

"They looked a lot like choleas," Lily said for the benefit of her sister.

**They looked quite unremarkable to Harry, who didn't have the slightest idea what Hermione meant by** **the "cry" of the Mandrake.**

"**Everyone take a pair of earmuffs," said Professor Sprout.**

**There was a scramble as everyone tried to seize a pair that wasn't pink and fluffy.**

Harry snickered suddenly.

"What's so funny?" Ginny asked.

"I just got an image of Voldemort wearing the pink and fluffy earmuffs," he said, still snickering.

Most of the room started snickering with him.

"**When I tell you to put them on, make sure your ears are **_**completely **_**covered," said Professor Sprout. "When it is safe to remove them, I will give you the thumbs-up. Right — earmuffs **_**on**_**."**

**Harry snapped the earmuffs over his ears. They shut out sound completely. Professor Sprout put the pink, fluffy pair over her own ears,**

"She says they're her favorites," Neville said.

…**rolled up the sleeves of her robes, grasped one of the tufty plants firmly, and pulled hard.**

**Harry let out a gasp of surprise that no one could hear.**

**Instead of roots, a small, muddy, and extremely ugly baby popped out of the earth. The leaves were growing right out of his head. He had pale green, mottled skin, and was clearly bawling at the top of his lungs.**

Petunia looked horrified, and Vernon was slightly green at this.

**Professor Sprout took a large plant pot from under the table and plunged the Mandrake into it, burying him in dark, damp compost until only the tufted leaves were visible. Professor Sprout dusted off her hands, gave them all the thumbs-up, and removed her own earmuffs.**

"**As our Mandrakes are only seedlings, their cries won't kill yet," she said calmly as though she'd just done nothing more exciting than water a begonia. "However, they **_**will**_** knock you out for several hours, and as I'm sure none of you want to miss your first day back, make sure your earmuffs are securely in place while you work. I will attract your attention when it is time to pack up.**

"**Four to a tray — there is a large supply of pots here — compost in the sacks over there — and be careful of the Venemous Tentacula, it's teething."**

"Only she would say that so calmly," Hermione muttered.

Neville gave her a funny look. "It only stings for a few seconds, and if you put on some healing balm, the swelling will go down within an hour."

**She gave a sharp slap to a spiky, dark red plant as she spoke, making it draw in the long feelers that had been inching sneakily over her shoulder.**

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione were joined at their tray by a curly-haired Hufflepuff boy Harry knew by sight but had never spoken to.**

Harry frowned. "I had never spoken to a lot of people at that point. In fact, it wasn't until we started the DA that I really started getting to know people in other houses."

"Erm, Harry," James said, "You _need _to make friends with some people in each house. It's not healthy for you to keep so segregated from the rest of the school. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason you are still being stared at is because the majority of the school does not know that you are a normal person. They probably also see you as being untouchable, or above them, because of your fame."

"Your father, loathe though I am to admit it, is right," Severus said. "Even if you keep the majority of them at arm's length, still spend time with them and let them see part of the true you. By doing this, they will begin to see you as one of them, and will be less likely to turn on you."

"I quite agree," Lily said, nodding.

Ree and Charles simply smiled at the maturity their son showed.

"**Justin Finch-Fletchley," he said brightly, shaking Harry by the hand. "Know who you are, of course, the famous Harry Potter…. And you're Hermione Granger — always top in everything"**

"Except Defense," she said, beaming at Harry.

**(Hermione beamed as she had her hand shaken too) "— and Ron Weasley. Wasn't that your flying car?"**

**Ron didn't smile. The Howler was obviously still on his mind.**

"**That Lockhart's something, isn't he?" said Justin happily as they began filling their plant pots with dragon dung compost. "Awfully brave chap. Have you read his books? I'd have died of fear if I'd been cornered in a telephone booth by a werewolf, but he stayed cool and — zap — just **_**fantastic**_**.**

"A _telephone booth!_" Remus said, seething. "Any werewolf would have broken the thing in no time flat, and Lockhart would have been nothing more than paste on the sidewalk!"

"**My name was down for Eton, you know. I can't tell you how glad I am I came here instead. Of course, Mother was slightly disappointed, but since I made her read Lockhart's books I think she's begun to see how useful it'll be to have a fully trained wizard in the family…."**

"What's an Eton?" Sirius asked.

"It's a prestigious prep school," Severus, of all people, explained. "It is the Hogwarts of Muggle England."

"Aah," Sirius responded.

**After that they didn't have much chance to talk. Their earmuffs were back on and they needed to concentrate on the Mandrakes. Professor Sprout had made it look extremely easy, but it wasn't.**

"Yes, it was," Neville said, and nobody felt like contradicting him.

**The Mandrakes didn't like coming out of the earth, but didn't seem to want to go back into it either. They squirmed, kicked, flailed their sharp little fists, and gnashed their teeth; Harry spent ten whole minutes trying to squash a particularly fat one into a pot.**

"Normally, repotting plants is the easiest thing in the world," Harry said. "Oh, how I miss Muggle plants!" he cried dramatically.

"He is rather good with plants," Petunia begrudgingly admitted.

**By the end of the class, Harry, like everyone else, was sweaty, aching, and covered in earth. Everyone traipsed back to the castle for a quick wash and then the Gryffindors hurried off to Transfiguration.**

**Professor McGonagall's classes were always hard work, but today was especially difficult. Everything Harry had learned last year seemed to have leaked out of his head during the summer. He was supposed to be turning a beetle into a button, but all he managed to do was give his beetle a lot of exercise as it scuttled over the desktop avoiding his wand.**

"I think," Hermione said, "that part of your problem was that you had been starved for the first half of summer, which can often result in difficulty focusing, and that you spent the second half with Ron, who would rather shave his legs than study."

**Ron was having far worse problems. He had patched up his wand with some borrowed Spellotape, but it seemed to be damaged beyond repair. It kept crackling and sparking at odd moments, and every time Ron tried to transfigure his beetle it engulfed him in thick gray smoke that smelled of rotten eggs.**

"Eew," Dudley said, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

**Unable to see what he was doing, Ron accidentally squashed his beetle with his elbow and had to ask for a new one. Professor McGonagall wasn't pleased.**

**Harry was relieved to hear the lunch bell. His brain felt like a wrung sponge. Everyone filed out of the classroom except him and Ron, who was whacking his wand furiously on the desk.**

"**Stupid — useless — thing —"**

"You could have broken it worse, doing that," Charlie pointed out. "Getting upset over what you cannot help is pointless, and a waste of precious energy."

"**Write home for another one," Harry suggested as the wand let off a volley of bangs like a firecracker.**

"**Oh, yeah, and get another Howler back," said Ron, stuffing the now hissing wand into his bag. **"'_**It's your own fault your wand got snapped **_**— '"**

"Well, it was," Molly said.

**They went down to lunch, where Ron's mood was not improved by Hermione's showing them the handful of perfect coat buttons she had produced in Transfiguration.**

"Why do you always put a damper on Hermione's success by whining about how '_it isn't fair_'?" Ginny snapped.

Ron shrank in his seat.

"**What've we got this afternoon?" said Harry, hastily changing the subject.**

"**Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione at once.**

"_**Why**_**," demanded Ron, seizing her schedule, "have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?"**

Hermione blushed at all the looks she was getting, and buried her face in Fred's shoulder.

**Hermione snatched the schedule back, blushing furiously.**

**They finished lunch and went outside into the overcast courtyard. Hermione sat down on a stone step and buried her nose in **_**Voyages with Vampires**_** again. Harry and Ron stood talking about Quidditch for several minutes before Harry became aware that he was being closely watched.**

"Creepy that," he said.

**Looking up, he saw the very small, mousy-haired boy he'd seen trying on the Sorting Hat last night staring at Harry as though transfixed. He was clutching what looked like an ordinary Muggle camera, and the moment Harry looked at him, he went bright red.**

"Aw, somebody has a crush on Harry," Sirius teased, sounding oddly more like the adult he would become in fifteen years.

"**All right, Harry? I'm — I'm Colin Creevey," he said breathlessly, taking a tentative step forward. "I'm in Gryffindor, too. D'you think — would it be all right if — can I have a picture?" he said, raising the camera hopefully.**

"He's a decent friend now," Harry said. "Half of my photo album is thanks to him."

"**A picture?" Harry repeated blankly.**

"**So I can prove I've met you," said Colin Creevey eagerly, edging further forward. "I know all about you. Everyone's told me. About how you survived when You-Know-Who tried to kill you and how he disappeared and everything and how you've still got a lightning scar on your forehead" (his eyes raked Harry's hairline) "and a boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures'll **_**move**_**." Colin drew a great shuddering breath of excitement and said, "It's **_**amazing**_** here, isn't it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts. My dad's a milkman, he couldn't believe it either. So I'm taking loads of pictures to send home to him. And it'd be really good if I had one of you" — he looked imploringly at Harry — "maybe your friend could take it and I could stand next to you? And then, could you sign it?"**

Several people groaned at this.

"_**Signed photos?**_** You're giving out **_**signed photos**_**, Potter?"**

"Malfoy or Lockhart?" Remus asked, making Draco blush.

**Loud and scathing, Draco Malfoy's voice echoed around the courtyard. He had stopped right behind Colin, flanked, as he always was at Hogwarts, by his large and thuggish cronies, Crabbe and Goyle.**

"**Everyone line up!" Malfoy roared to the crowd. "Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"**

"I was…" Draco began.

"A donkey's behind… We _know_!" Ginny said.

"**No, I'm not," said Harry angrily, his fists clenching. "Shut up, Malfoy."**

"**You're just jealous," piped up Colin, whose entire body was about as thick as Crabbe's neck.**

"An apt description," Hermione pointed out.

"_**Jealous?**_**" said Malfoy, who didn't need to shout anymore: half the courtyard was listening in.**

"And the other half was trying to, but not succeeding," George said.

"**Of what? I don't want a foul scar right across my head, thanks. I don't think getting your head cut open makes you that special, myself."**

**Crabbe and Goyle were sniggering stupidly.**

"**Eat slugs, Malfoy," said Ron angrily. Crabbe stopped laughing and started rubbing his knuckles in a menacing way.**

"_That _was the best you could come up with," Fred said incredulously. "After _all _we've taught you, you failed us! Oh woe is me!"

"**Be careful, Weasley," sneered Malfoy. "You don't want to start any trouble or your Mommy'll have to come and take you away from school." He put on a shrill, piercing voice. "'**_**If you put another toe out of line' **_**—"**

Molly was pink.

**A knot of Slytherin fifth-years nearby laughed loudly at this.**

"I rather think," Snape said menacingly, "that _you _would be the one in trouble if Minerva got her hands on you."

"**Weasley would like a signed photo, Potter," smirked Malfoy. "It'd be worth more than his family's whole house —"**

Bill stiffened. "That," he said, "was below the belt."

**Ron whipped out his Spellotaped wand, but Hermione shut **_**Voyages with Vampires**_** with a snap and whispered, "Look out!"**

"**What's all this, what's all this?" Gilderoy Lockhart was striding toward them, his turquoise robes swirling behind him. "Who's giving out signed photos?"**

"Certainly not me," Harry muttered.

**Harry started to speak but he was cut short as Lockhart flung an arm around his shoulders and thundered jovially, "Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Harry!"**

**Pinned to Lockhart's side and burning with humiliation, Harry saw Malfoy slide smirking back into the crowd.**

"If I had been there," Percy said, "You, Malfoy, would have had a detention with Hagrid for instigating trouble."

"**Come on then, Mr. Creevey," said Lockhart, beaming at Colin. "A double portrait, can't do better than that, and we'll **_**both**_** sign it for you."**

James and Sirius snarled.

**Colin fumbled for his camera and took the picture as the bell rang behind them, signaling the start of afternoon classes.**

"**Off you go, move along there," Lockhart called to the crowd, and he set off back to the castle with Harry, who was wishing he knew a good Vanishing Spell, still clasped to his side.**

"I learned one that week, just in case," he said.

"**A word to the wise, Harry," said Lockhart paternally as they entered the building through a side door. "I covered up for you back there with young Creevey — if he was photographing me, too, your schoolmates won't think you're setting yourself up so much…."**

**Deaf to Harry's stammers, Lockhart swept him down a corridor lined with staring students and up a staircase.**

A voodoo doll had appeared in front of James, and it looked suspiciously like Lockhart. James was taking great delight in stabbing the thing with pins, with Lily and Sirius offering encouragement and occasional suggestions. Once, Lily even stole a pin to viciously stab the doll in a spot that made both boys cringe.

"**Let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your career isn't sensible — looks a tad bigheaded, Harry, to be frank. There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go, but" — he gave a little chortle — **

"Sounded rather like Uncle Vernon when he sells a load of drills now I think on it," Harry commented.

"**I don't think you're quite there yet."**

**They had reached Lockhart's classroom and he let Harry go at last. Harry yanked his robes straight and headed for a seat at the very back of the class, where he busied himself with piling all seven of Lockhart's books in front of him, so that he could avoid looking at the real thing.**

"Suffice it to say," Ron said, "we were all relieved when the next year we got Professor Lupin."

The other students agreed, making Remus flush a little, and his eyes sparkled and looked a little dewy.

**The rest of the class came clattering in, and Ron and Hermione sat down on either side of Harry.**

"**You could've fried an egg on your face" said Ron. "You'd better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny, or they'll be starting a Harry Potter fan club."**

"We most certainly _did not_!" the girl snapped. "Demelza did, the little tart! If I had a Knut for every time she's talked about Harry and love potions, I'd be a wealthy girl!" Ginny huffed. "Thank the Founders that she's terrible at Potions."

"**Shut up," snapped Harry. The last thing he needed was for Lockhart to hear the phrase "Harry Potter fan club."**

**When the whole class was seated, Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and silence fell.**

"Remus didn't even need to do that," Harry said with pride. "He had our attention without even trying."

Sirius clapped Remus' back at this, giving his approval for the Marauder to be a teacher.

**He reached forward, picked up Neville Longbottom's copy of **_**Travels with Trolls**_**, and held it up to show his own, winking portrait on the front.**

"**Me," he said, pointing at it and winking as well. "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of **_**Witch Weekly**_**'s Most Charming-Smile Award – but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by **_**smiling**_** at her!"**

"He didn't get rid of the banshee at all," Hermione growled.

**He waited for them to laugh; a few people smiled weakly.**

"**I see you've all bought a complete set of my books — well done.**

"Only because they were required," Harry said, glaring at Dumbledore.

**I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about — just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in —"**

**When he had handed out the test papers he returned to the front of the class and said, "You have thirty minutes — start — **_**now**_**!"**

**Harry looked down at his paper and read:**

_**1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?**_

_**2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?**_

_**3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?**_

Lily looked asphyxiated, and Ree wasn't much better.

**On and on it went, over three sides of paper, right down to:**

_**54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?**_

**Half an hour later, Lockhart collected the papers and rifled through them in front of the class.**

"**Tut, tut — hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. I say so in **_**Year with the Yeti**_**. And a few of you need to read **_**Wanderings with Werewolves**_** more carefully — I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples — though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogdeds Old Firewhisky!"**

Percy gaped at this, then muttered about Ministry approved curriculum, and how Hogwarts seemed to be going to the dogs.

Sirius looked affronted at this, but Ginny said what the other students were thinking. "Better it go to the dogs," she said, "than go to the frogs!"

The twins eyes lit up before George dove for his notebook.

**He gave them another roguish wink. Ron was now staring at Lockhart with an expression of disbelief on his face; Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, who were sitting in front, were shaking with silent laughter. Hermione, on the other hand, was listening to Lockhart with rapt attention and gave a start when he mentioned her name.**

Hermione squeaked, and again burrowed into Fred's jacket.

"… **but Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions — good girl! In fact" — he flipped her paper over — "full marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger?"**

**Hermione raised a trembling hand.**

"**Excellent!" beamed Lockhart. "Quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor! And so — to business —"**

Lily looked disgusted, and for once Petunia seemed to agree with her.

**He bent down behind his desk and lifted a large, covered cage onto it.**

"**Now — be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."**

"A boggart?" Bill asked. "But, no, that wouldn't be in a covered cage."

**In spite of himself, Harry leaned around his pile of books for a better look at the cage. Lockhart placed a hand on the cover. Dean and Seamus had stopped laughing now. Neville was cowering in his front row seat.**

"**I must ask you not to scream," said Lockhart in a low voice. "It might provoke them."**

"Drama queen," Severus muttered.

**As the whole class held its breath, Lockhart whipped off the cover.**

"**Yes," he said dramatically. "**_**Freshly caught Cornish pixies**_**."**

Dumbledore looked as though he'd swallowed a lemon… or one of Snape's fouler concoctions.

**Seamus Finnigan couldn't control himself. He let out a snort of laughter that even Lockhart couldn't mistake for a scream of terror.**

"**Yes?" He smiled at Seamus.**

"**Well, they're not — they're not very — **_**dangerous**_**, are they?" Seamus choked.**

"He would know," Neville muttered. "The Irish b…" he stopped suddenly, looking nervously at Mrs. Weasley.

"**Don't be so sure!" said Lockhart, waggling a finger annoyingly at Seamus. "Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!"**

**The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches high, with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to a lot of budgies arguing. The moment the cover had been removed, they had started jabbering and rocketing around, rattling the bars and making bizarre faces at the people nearest them.**

Again the twins exchanged an excited look.

"**Right, then," Lockhart said loudly. "Let's see what you make of them!" And he opened the cage.**

Vernon choked on nothing before saying, "Idiot!" and surprising the whole room.

**It was pandemonium. The pixies shot in every direction like rockets. Two of them seized Neville by the ears and lifted him into the air. **

Minerva looked furious.

**Several shot straight through the window, showering the back row with broken glass. The rest proceeded to wreck the classroom more effectively than a rampaging rhino. They grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with them, shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the walls, up-ended the waste basket, grabbed bags and books and threw them out of the smashed window; within minutes, half the class was sheltering under desks and Neville was swinging from the iron chandelier in the ceiling.**

"**Come on now — round them up, round them up, they're only pixies," Lockhart shouted.**

"Whatever happened to _teaching them how_!" Snape snapped.

**He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand, and bellowed, "**_**Peskipiksi Pesternomi!**_**"**

"That's not even a real spell," Dumbledore squeaked.

**It had absolutely no effect; one of the pixies seized his wand and threw it out of the window, too. Lockhart gulped and dived under his own desk, narrowly avoiding being squashed by Neville, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way.**

The women gasped, and stared at Neville who was, apparently, tougher than he looked.

**The bell rang and there was a mad rush toward the exit. In the relative calm that followed, Lockhart straightened up, caught sight of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who were almost at the door, and said, "Well, I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into their cage." He swept past them and shut the door quickly behind him.**

"And if his classroom got a little more trashed than before," Harry announced, "we could always blame the pixies." It was obvious though, that the pixies were not to blame.

"**Can you **_**believe**_** him?" roared Ron as one of the remaining pixies bit him painfully on the ear.**

"**He just wants to give us some hands-on experience," said Hermione, immobilizing two pixies at once with a clever Freezing Charm and stuffing them back into their cage.**

Everyone stared at her incredulously.

"Oh, leave her alone," Fred snapped. "She was just a young girl at the time. All kids are naïve at twelve."

"_**Hands on?**_**" said Harry, who was trying to grab a pixie dancing out of reach with its tongue out. "Hermione, he didn't have a clue what he was doing —"**

Severus smiled at the intuitiveness Harry showed.

"**Rubbish," said Hermione. "You've read his books — look at all those amazing things he's done —"**

"**He says he's done," Ron muttered.**

Snape even favored Ron with a smile at that. At long last, the red-head showed some intelligence.

* * *

**25 points: In the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy John Rhys-Davies played the part of Gimli. What else did he do in the movies?**


	8. Chapter 8

Luna handed the book to Draco, who began banging his head on the table the moment he read the title.

**Chapter 7: Mudbloods and Murmurs**

"Stupid, stupid, stupid…" he said, with each smack of his head.

Luna looked exasperated. A pillow appeared on the table in front of her, making her murmur, "Thank you." She then shoved the pillow between Draco's head and the table.

After a moment, Draco continued to read.

**Harry spent a lot of time over the next few days dodging out of sight whenever he saw Gilderoy Lockhart coming down a corridor. Harder to avoid was Colin Creevey, who seemed to have memorized Harry's schedule. **

"Did he have a crush on you or something?" Sirius asked.

"Merlin, I hope not," Harry said, a slightly panicked look in his eyes.

**Nothing seemed to give Colin a bigger thrill than to say, "All right, Harry?" six or seven times a day and hear, "Hello, Colin," back, however exasperated Harry sounded when he said it.**

"At least you're polite," Lily said, smiling at Harry.

"You definitely got that from your mother," James said. "I would have told him to get lost."

Harry turned pink. "Sometimes, I wish I had. He's a nice guy, but _really_ annoying," he said

**Hedwig was still angry with Harry about the disastrous car journey and Ron's wand was still malfunctioning, surpassing itself on Friday morning by shooting out of Ron's hand in Charms and hitting tiny old Professor Flitwick squarely between the eyes, creating a large, throbbing green boil where it had struck.**

"Eww," Remus said, then added, "Poor Professor Flitwick."

**So with one thing and another, Harry was quite glad to reach the weekend. He, Ron, and Hermione were planning to visit Hagrid on Saturday morning. Harry, however, was shaken awake several hours earlier than he would have liked by Oliver Wood, Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.**

"Woohoo!" Sirius cheered. "QUIDDITCH!"

Petunia started violently at the yell, then opened her mouth to say something, but settled for glaring at Sirius.

"**Whassamatter?" said Harry groggily.**

"**Quidditch practice!" said Wood. "Come on!"**

**Harry squinted at the window. There was a thin mist hanging across the pink-and-gold sky. Now that he was awake, he couldn't understand how he could have slept through the racket the birds were making.**

"**Oliver," Harry croaked. "It's the crack of dawn."**

"The earlier you get there, the more time there is for practice," James said solemnly.

"**Exactly," said Wood. He was a tall and burly sixth year and, at the moment, his eyes were gleaming with a crazed enthusiasm. "It's part of our new training program. Come on, grab your broom, and let's go," said Wood heartily. "None of the other teams have started training yet; we're going to be first off the mark this year —"**

"He was a great captain, but was a tad obsessed," Harry commented, the twins nodding in agreement.

Percy muttered, "At least you didn't have to room with him. He's my best friend, but 'obsessed' doesn't begin to cover it. Until he started dating Katie, I thought he'd be single forever, because honestly, no woman wants to be second to a sport."

"Katie's is almost obsessed with Quidditch as he is," said George, who had once dated her.

**Yawning and shivering slightly, Harry climbed out of bed and tried to find his Quidditch robes.**

"**Good man," said Wood. "Meet you on the field in fifteen minutes."**

**When he'd found his scarlet team robes and pulled on his cloak for warmth, Harry scribbled a note to Ron explaining where he'd gone and went down the spiral staircase to the common room, his Nimbus Two Thousand on his shoulder. He had just reached the portrait hole when there was a clatter behind him and Colin Creevey came dashing down the spiral staircase, his camera swinging madly around his neck and something clutched in his hand.**

"**I heard someone saying your name on the stairs, Harry! Look what I've got here! I've had it developed, I wanted to show you —"**

**Harry looked bemusedly at the photograph Colin was brandishing under his nose.**

**A moving, black-and-white Lockhart was tugging hard on an arm Harry recognized as his own. He was pleased to see that his photographic self was putting up a good fight and refusing to be dragged into view. As Harry watched, Lockhart gave up and slumped, panting, against the white edge of the picture.**

Harry snickered at this. "It's the only photo of Lockhart that I kept. It still makes me smile," he said.

"You and me both," Ron said, grinning.

"**Will you sign it?" said Colin eagerly.**

"**No," said Harry flatly, glancing around to check that the room was really deserted. "Sorry, Colin, I'm in a hurry — Quidditch practice —"**

**He climbed through the portrait hole.**

"**Oh, wow! Wait for me! I've never watched a Quidditch game before!"**

"OH THE HORROR!" Sirius screamed.

"He's a Muggleborn," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

"So," Sirius said.

"Nevermind," Harry said, not wanting to explain something that Sirius had, only a few hours before, understood.

**Colin scrambled through the hole after him.**

"**It'll be really boring," Harry said quickly, but Colin ignored him, his face shining with excitement.**

Sirius screamed like a girl, causing Minerva to silence him.

"**You were the youngest House player in a hundred years, weren't you, Harry? Weren't you?" said Colin, trotting alongside him. "You must be brilliant. I've never flown. Is it easy? Is that your own broom? Is that the best one there is?"**

**Harry didn't know how to get rid of him. It was like having an extremely talkative shadow.**

"Shadows don't talk," Dudley said stupidly, making mother look embarrassed.

"**I don't really understand Quidditch," said Colin breathlessly. "Is it true there are four balls? And two of them fly around trying to knock people off their brooms?"**

"**Yes," said Harry heavily, resigned to explaining the complicated rules of Quidditch. "They're called Bludgers. There are two Beaters on each team who carry clubs to beat the Bludgers away from their side. Fred and George Weasley are the Gryffindor Beaters."**

The twins cheered loudly, Fred nearly knocking Hermione off of his lap in the process.

"**And what are the other balls for?" Colin asked, tripping down a couple of steps because he was gazing open-mouthed at Harry.**

"**Well, the Quaffle — that's the biggish red one — is the one that scores goals. Three Chasers on each team throw the Quaffle to each other and try and get it through the goal posts at the end of the pitch — they're three long poles with hoops on the end."**

"**And the fourth ball —"**

"— **is the Golden Snitch," said Harry, "and it's very small, very fast, and difficult to catch. But that's what the Seeker's got to do, because a game of Quidditch doesn't end until the Snitch has been caught. And whichever team's Seeker gets the Snitch earns his team an extra hundred and fifty points."**

"**And **_**you're**_** the Gryffindor Seeker, aren't you?" said Colin in awe.**

"**Yes," said Harry as they left the castle and started across the dew-drenched grass. "And there's the Keeper, too. He guards the goal posts. That's it, really."**

**But Colin didn't stop questioning Harry all the way down the sloping lawns to the Quidditch field, and Harry only shook him off when he reached the changing rooms; Colin called after him in a piping voice, "I'll go and get a good seat, Harry!" and hurried off to the stands.**

"You're too kind," Remus said.

Minerva beamed. "You are a prefect, are you not, Harry?"

"Er, no," Harry said. He glanced apologetically at Ron before saying, "Dumbledore wouldn't allow it because he thought I had enough stress as it was, though really, being a prefect would have made my life easier."

"And then I wouldn't have to go on rounds," Ron said, glowing. "You take the badge next year, Harry. That way you can have all the responsibility and I can have the free time."

McGonagall's eye twitched.

**The rest of the Gryffindor team were already in the changing room. Wood was the only person who looked truly awake. Fred and George Weasley were sitting, puffy-eyed and tousle haired, next to fourth year Alicia Spinnet, who seemed to be nodding off against the wall behind her. Her fellow Chasers, Katie Bell and Angelina Johnson, were yawning side by side opposite them.**

"**There you are, Harry, what kept you?" said Wood briskly. "Now, I wanted a quick talk with you all before we actually get onto the field, because I spent the summer devising a whole new training program, which I really think will make all the difference…"**

"He certainly is… dedicated, isn't he," Minerva muttered.

"You have no idea," the twins, Harry and Percy said together. Charlie nodded in agreement.

"None of the rest of us ever stood a chance when against the so-called 'Dream Team'," Cedric said. "Can't tell you the number of time Cho came crying to me because no scouts would ever pick her to play professionally after seeing Harry. No offense to Cho, but she never stood a chance in the first place. She's too inconsistent."

"I think she's quite consistent, just not on the Quidditch pitch," Luna said, looking somewhat sad.

Harry looked as though he'd had a light-bulb moment. "She's one of the ones who steals your thing, isn't she Luna," he said.

Luna nodded somewhat sadly.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Harry asked. "I would've made her stop. The only reason I didn't do anything before was because you never gave me any names."

"I didn't want you to get in trouble," she replied.

"I wouldn't have gotten in trouble. I would've worked something out with Professor Flitwick. He'd definitely help me," Harry said.

**Wood was holding up a large diagram of a Quidditch field, on which were drawn many lines, arrows, and crosses in different colored inks. He took out his wand, tapped the board, and the arrows began to wiggle over the diagram like caterpillars.**

"That's an impressive enchantment," Dumbledore muttered.

**As Wood launched into a speech about his new tactics, Fred Weasley's head drooped right onto Alicia Spinnet's shoulder and he began to snore.**

**The first board took nearly twenty minutes to explain, but there was another board under that, and a third under that one. Harry sank into a stupor as Wood droned on and on.**

"**So," said Wood, at long last, jerking Harry from a wistful fantasy about what he could be eating for breakfast at this very moment up at the castle. "Is that clear? Any questions?"**

"**I've got a question, Oliver," said George, who had woken with a start. "Why couldn't you have told us all this yesterday when we were awake?"**

"Here, here," George said.

**Wood wasn't pleased.**

"He was embarrassed," Fred commented.

"**Now, listen here, you lot," he said, glowering at them all. "We should have won the Quidditch cup last year. We're easily the best team. But unfortunately — owing to circumstances beyond our control —"**

**Harry shifted guiltily in his seat. He had been unconscious in the hospital wing for the final match of the previous year, meaning that Gryffindor had been a player short and had suffered their worst defeat in three hundred years.**

"McLaggen played Seeker," Percy said, "that's the real reason we lost."

**Wood took a moment to regain control of himself. Their last defeat was clearly still torturing him.**

"**So this year, we train harder than ever before… Okay, let's go and put our new theories into practice!" Wood shouted, seizing his broomstick and leading the way out of the locker rooms. Stiff-legged and still yawning, his team followed.**

**They had been in the locker room so long that the sun was up completely now, although remnants of mist hung over the grass in the stadium. As Harry walked onto the field, he saw Ron and Hermione sitting in the stands.**

"**Aren't you finished yet?" called Ron incredulously.**

"**Haven't even started," said Harry, looking jealously at the toast and marmalade Ron and Hermione had brought out of the Great Hall. "Wood's been teaching us new moves."**

Molly Weasley spluttered. "Harry needed his _food_! I can't believe… making him skip a meal… I ought to… Oh! Fiddlesticks! It's too late now, but mark my words, if I'd known what that boy was up too… He wouldn't have been able to block a Quaffle for months, he'd be so sore from de-gnoming gardens."

"Now, dear," Arthur said, "he isn't even one of ours, so you couldn't punish him."

"But I could tell Severus to give him detention," she said.

"He'll be sick of slugs by the time he graduates, I can assure you," Snape said with a sneer.

**He mounted his broomstick and kicked at the ground, soaring up into the air. The cool morning air whipped his face, waking him far more effectively than Wood's long talk. It felt wonderful to be back on the Quidditch field. He soared right around the stadium at full speed, racing Fred and George.**

"**What's that funny clicking noise?" called Fred as they hurtled around the corner.**

**Harry looked into the stands. Colin was sitting in one of the highest seats, his camera raised, taking picture after picture, the sound strangely magnified in the deserted stadium.**

"It helped, though, during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. You try tricking a Hungarian Horntail with flashes from cameras going off every few seconds," Harry said.

Cedric grimaced at the memory of his own dragon.

Lily looked ashen.

"**Look this way, Harry! This way!" he cried shrilly.**

"**Who's that?" said Fred.**

"**No idea," Harry lied, putting on a spurt of speed that took him as far away as possible from Colin.**

"**What's going on?" said Wood, frowning, as he skimmed through the air toward them. "Why's that first year taking pictures? I don't like it. He could be a Slytherin spy, trying to find out about our new training program."**

"**He's in Gryffindor," said Harry quickly.**

"**And the Slytherins don't need a spy, Oliver," said George.**

"Cue ominous music," Hermione muttered, before panicking and pinching Fred's lips together to prevent what was coming.

To everyone's surprise, Neville was the one who created the 'ominous music'.

"**What makes you say that?" said Wood testily.**

"**Because they're here in person," said George, pointing.**

**Several people in green robes were walking onto the field, broomsticks in their hands.**

"**I don't believe it!" Wood hissed in outrage. "I booked the field for today! We'll see about this!"**

**Wood shot toward the ground, landing rather harder than he meant to in his anger, staggering slightly as he dismounted. Harry, Fred, and George followed.**

"**Flint!" Wood bellowed at the Slytherin Captain. "This is our practice time! We got up specially! You can clear off now!"**

**Marcus Flint was even larger than Wood. He had a look of trollish cunning **

"That had to be a typo," Charles said.

"What _are _you talking about?" Vernon asked, moustache twitching.

"Trolls are not cunning. In fact, the very opposite is true. Trolls as stupid as they are smelly, that is to say, very," Ree explained.

…**on his face as he replied, "Plenty of room for all of us, Wood."**

**Angelina, Alicia, and Katie had come over, too. There were no girls on the Slytherin team, who stood shoulder to shoulder, facing the Gryffindors, leering to a man.**

"Leering, like 'wow those girls are hot', or leering like 'I kill you with my eyes'?" asked Bill.

"Mostly the second one, though I'm pretty sure I caught Flint eyeing Wood's arse a few times," Percy said.

"**But I booked the field!" said Wood, positively spitting with rage. "I booked it!"**

"**Ah," said Flint. "But I've got a specially signed note here from Professor Snape.**

Severus received some nasty glares from the Gryffindors in the room.

Until…

"Oh, please," Hermione snapped. "If any of you had bothered to ask, Professor McGonagall did the same for Wood to train Harry the year before."

"Oops," Harry said sheepishly. "Sorry Professor Snape."

"You are forgiven," he responded.

'_**I, Professor S. Snape, give the Slytherin team permission to practice today on the Quidditch field owing to the need to train their new Seeker'**_**. "**

"**You've got a new Seeker?" said Wood, distracted. "Where?"**

**And from behind the six large figures before them came a seventh, smaller boy, smirking all over his pale, pointed face. It was Draco Malfoy.**

No one knew whether they should groan, or be pleased at this announcement. Draco was growing on people like mold on old bread.

"**Aren't you Lucius Malfoy's son?" said Fred, looking at Malfoy with dislike.**

"**Funny you should mention Draco's father," said Flint as the whole Slytherin team smiled still more broadly. "Let me show you the generous gift he's made to the Slytherin team."**

**All seven of them held out their broomsticks. Seven highly polished, brand-new handles and seven sets of fine gold lettering spelling the words **_**Nimbus Two Thousand and One**_** gleamed under the Gryffindors' noses in the early morning sun.**

James whimpered.

"**Very latest model. Only came out last month," said Flint carelessly, flicking a speck of dust from the end of his own. "I believe it outstrips the old Two Thousand series by a considerable amount. As for the old Cleansweeps" — he smiled nastily at Fred and George, who were both clutching Cleansweep Fives —" sweeps the board with them."**

**None of the Gryffindor team could think of anything to say for a moment. Malfoy was smirking so broadly his cold eyes were reduced to slits.**

"I was not!" Draco snapped. "Honestly, when I smirk, I do it with class!"

"**Oh, look," said Flint. "A field invasion."**

**Ron and Hermione were crossing the grass to see what was going on.**

"**What's happening?" Ron asked Harry. "Why aren't you playing? And what's **_**he**_** doing here?"**

"You were just jealous that _you _weren't on the team," George said.

"That, and I was an ass to him all the year before," Draco said.

**He was looking at Malfoy, taking in his Slytherin Quidditch robes.**

"**I'm the new Slytherin Seeker, Weasley," said Malfoy, smugly. "Everyone's just been admiring the brooms my father's bought our team."**

**Ron gaped, open-mouthed, at the seven superb broomsticks in front of him.**

"**Good, aren't they?" said Malfoy smoothly. "But perhaps the Gryffindor team will be able to raise some gold and get new brooms, too. You could raffle off those Cleansweep Fives; I expect a museum would bid for them."**

**The Slytherin team howled with laughter.**

"**At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to **_**buy**_** their way in," said Hermione sharply. "**_**They**_** got in on pure talent."**

Even Severus looked impressed at that comeback.

**The smug look on Malfoy's face flickered.**

"**No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood," he spat.**

Tonks' face turned red, her hair following not long after that. "_You DON'T ever use that word_!" she hissed.

"And you now know why I'm embarrassed by this chapter. I was an ass," Draco said, yet again.

"Yes, you were," Lily said, and that was that.

"Just so you know, I am disappointed, Draco. I am extremely disappointed with you." Severus hissed.

"You are the last person I would ever want to disappoint," Draco said, "but everything I everything I did, was for love."

"Yeah, whatever," Severus said then hissed skeptically, "Is this _true_,"

"No, but it sure sounded good didn't it," Draco said.

Severus merely groaned in response.

**Harry knew at once that Malfoy had said something really bad because there was an instant uproar at his words. Flint had to dive in front of Malfoy to stop Fred and George jumping on him, Alicia shrieked, "**_**How dare you!**_**" and Ron plunged his hand into his robes, pulled out his wand, yelling, "You'll pay for that one, Malfoy!" and pointed it furiously under Flint's arm at Malfoys face.**

"This won't go well," Remus said.

**A loud bang echoed around the stadium and a jet of green light shot out of the wrong end of Ron's wand, hitting him in the stomach and sending him reeling backward onto the grass.**

"Uh-oh," Ginny said.

"**Ron! Ron! Are you all right?" squealed Hermione.**

**Ron opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead he gave an almighty belch and several slugs dribbled out of his mouth onto his lap.**

"Eugh," several people said. Petunia looked quite green.

**The Slytherin team were paralyzed with laughter. Flint was doubled up, hanging onto his new broomstick for support. Malfoy was on all fours, banging the ground with his fist. The Gryffindors were gathered around Ron, who kept belching large, glistening slugs. Nobody seemed to want to touch him.**

"**We'd better get him to Hagrid's, it's nearest," said Harry to Hermione, who nodded bravely, and the pair of them pulled Ron up by the arms.**

"Those are true friends," Charlie said. "I probably wouldn't have done it. I'd have been laughing right along with the Slytherins.

Ron glared at his brother.

"Come on, Ron," Bill cajoled. "You have to admit that it was pretty funny."

"You didn't have to taste slugs, or feel them in your throat and stomach, wriggling."

Luna even looked ill at that description.

"**What happened, Harry? What happened? Is he ill? But you can cure him, can't you?" Colin had run down from his seat and was now dancing alongside them as they left the field. Ron gave a huge heave and more slugs dribbled down his front.**

"**Oooh," said Colin, fascinated and raising his camera. "Can you hold him still, Harry?"**

"NO!" Remus said.

"**Get out of the way, Colin!" said Harry angrily. He and Hermione supported Ron out of the stadium and across the grounds toward the edge of the forest.**

"**Nearly there, Ron," said Hermione as the gamekeeper's cabin came into view. "You'll be all right in a minute — almost there —"**

**They were within twenty feet of Hagrid's house when the front door opened, but it wasn't Hagrid who emerged. Gilderoy Lockhart, wearing robes of palest mauve today, came striding out.**

"**Quick, behind here," Harry hissed, dragging Ron behind a nearby bush. Hermione followed, somewhat reluctantly.**

"Wise decision," Severus said.

"**It's a simple matter if you know what you're doing!" Lockhart was saying loudly to Hagrid. "If you need help, you know where I am! I'll let you have a copy of my book. I'm surprised you haven't already got one — I'll sign one tonight and send it over. Well, good-bye!" And he strode away toward the castle.**

"Good riddance to bad rubbish," Minerva said.

"I must admit," Dumbledore said, "that he is getting on _my _last nerve, and I haven't even hired him yet."

"I hope you don't hire him at all," Ree said. "I want my grandson to have a quality education, and if you don't get your act together, I'll make arrangements to send him to Beauxbatons."

"Oy, Harry, French girls, Veela," Ron said, waggling his brows.

"Oy, Ron, Ginny," Harry replied.

Ginny eyed Harry then said, "I trust Harry. If Fleur didn't manage to ensnare him during the tournament, then I have nothing to worry about."

**Harry waited until Lockhart was out of sight, then pulled Ron out of the bush and up to Hagrid's front door. They knocked urgently.**

**Hagrid appeared at once, looking very grumpy, but his expression brightened when he saw who it was.**

"**Bin wonderin' when you'd come ter see me — come in, come in — thought you mighta bin Professor Lockhart back again —"**

**Harry and Hermione supported Ron over the threshold into the one-roomed cabin, which had an enormous bed in one corner, a fire crackling merrily in the other. Hagrid didn't seem perturbed by Ron's slug problem, which Harry hastily explained as he lowered Ron into a chair.**

"**Better out than in," he said cheerfully, plunking a large copper basin in front of him. "Get 'em all up, Ron."**

"**I don't think there's anything to do except wait for it to stop," said Hermione anxiously, watching Ron bend over the basin. "That's a difficult curse to work at the best of times, but with a broken wand —"**

"It was a recipe for disaster," Minerva said.

**Hagrid was bustling around making them tea. His boarhound, Fang, was slobbering over Harry.**

"**What did Lockhart want with you, Hagrid?" Harry asked, scratching Fang's ears.**

"**Givin' me advice on gettin' kelpies out of a well," growled Hagrid, moving a half-plucked rooster off his scrubbed table and setting down the teapot. "Like I don' know. An' bangin' on about some banshee he banished. If one word of it was true, I'll eat my kettle."**

Severus beamed. "If Hagrid can see through that fraud, then anyone can," he announced.

**It was most unlike Hagrid to criticize a Hogwarts' teacher, and Harry looked at him in surprise. Hermione, however, said in a voice somewhat higher than usual, "I think you're being a bit unfair. Professor Dumbledore obviously thought he was the best man for the job —"**

Several people snorted at this.

"**He was the **_**on'y**_** man for the job," said Hagrid, offering them a plate of treacle fudge, while Ron coughed squelchily into his basin. "An' I mean the **_**on'y**_** one. Gettin' very difficult ter find anyone fer the Dark Arts job. People aren't too keen ter take it on, see. They're startin' ter think it's jinxed. No one's lasted long fer a while now. So tell me," said Hagrid, jerking his head at Ron. "Who was he tryin' ter curse?"**

"**Malfoy called Hermione something — it must've been really bad, because everyone went wild."**

"**It was bad," said Ron hoarsely, emerging over the tabletop looking pale and sweaty. "Malfoy called her 'Mudblood,' Hagrid —"**

**Ron dived out of sight again as a fresh wave of slugs made their appearance. Hagrid looked outraged.**

"**He didn'!" he growled at Hermione.**

"**He did," she said. "But I don't know what it means. I could tell it was really rude, of course —"**

"Wassit mean?" Dudley asked.

"Dirty blood," Lily explained. "Some people who are prejudiced against magicals born to non-magical parents call us that. It's rather like calling a black person the 'n' word or calling a woman the 'c' word. It just isn't done in polite company."

"So that's bad, then?" Dudley asked.

"Very," Lily said.

"But Dad's used the 'n' word before. Does that mean he isn't polite?" Dudley asked.

Vernon looked embarrassed and attempted to shrink in his seat. He was unsuccessful.

"Yes, Duddy-dear," Petunia said, "that means that Daddy isn't polite. Daddy is grounded for that." Her eyes were narrowed.

"Yes, Petunia, dear," Vernon said meekly.

"**It's about the most insulting thing he could think of," gasped Ron, coming back up. "Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who is Muggle-born — you know, non-magic parents. There are some wizards — like Malfoy's family — who think they're better than everyone else because they're what people call pure-blood."**

"Like my mum," Sirius said, solemnly. He looked haunted.

**He gave a small burp, and a single slug fell into his outstretched hand. He threw it into the basin and continued, "I mean, the rest of us know it doesn't make any difference at all. Look at Neville Longbottom — he's pure-blood and he can hardly stand a cauldron the right way up."**

"That's because I'm scared of Professor Snape," Neville said. "Or rather, I used to be scared of him, though after this I'll have a hard time keeping a straight face thinking of his Patronus. A walrus," he muttered the last, snickering under his breath, then said, "Admittedly, I'm usually the last in the class to catch on to new spells."

"**An' they haven't invented a spell our Hermione can' do," said Hagrid proudly, making Hermione go a brilliant shade of magenta.**

"**It's a disgusting thing to call someone," said Ron, wiping his sweaty brow with a shaking hand. "Dirty blood, see. Common blood. It's ridiculous. Most wizards these days are half-blood anyway. If we hadn't married Muggles we'd've died out."**

"Inbreeding," Ree sniffed. "At least the Muggles learned from this. They even made laws to prevent it. If you ask me, the Wizengamot members should all take a Muggle Biology course. Maybe then they'd do something to fix this mess."

**He retched and ducked out of sight again.**

"**Well, I don' blame yeh fer tryin' ter curse him, Ron," said Hagrid loudly over the thuds of more slugs hitting the basin. "Bu' maybe it was a good thing yer wand backfired. 'Spect Lucius Malfoy would've come marchin' up ter school if yeh'd cursed his son. Least yer not in trouble."**

Draco nodded at that and said, "Father would have had you expelled. He very nearly had Moody brought up on charges for the ferret incident."

"The _what_ incident?" Charles asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Draco said, then continued reading.

**Harry would have pointed out that trouble didn't come much worse than having slugs pouring out of your mouth, but he couldn't; Hagrid's treacle fudge had cemented his jaws together.**

"I should have warmed it up a little, then that wouldn't have happened," Harry said.

"**Harry," said Hagrid abruptly as though struck by a sudden thought. "Gotta bone ter pick with yeh. I've heard you've bin givin' out signed photos. How come I haven't got one?"**

James choked on air.

**Furious, Harry wrenched his teeth apart.**

"**I have **_**not**_** been giving out signed photos," he said hotly. "If Lockhart's still spreading that around —"**

**But then he saw that Hagrid was laughing.**

"Oh," James said in relief, "that explains it."

"**I'm on'y jokin'," he said, patting Harry genially on the back and sending him face first into the table. "I knew yeh hadn't really. I told Lockhart yeh didn' need teh. Yer more famous than him without tryin'."**

Severus laughed loudly at that, picturing Lockhart's face.

"**Bet he didn't like that," said Harry, sitting up and rubbing his chin.**

"**Don' think he did," said Hagrid, his eyes twinkling. "An' then I told him I'd never read one o' his books an' he decided ter go. Treacle fudge, Ron?" he added as Ron reappeared.**

"**No thanks," said Ron weakly. "Better not risk it."**

"A wise decision," Ree said. "Light meals for the rest of the day, would be just the thing."

"Er, Grandmum," Harry said, "Light for Ron is six chicken legs, two heaping mounds of potatoes, a scoop of shepherd's pie, one mint humbug, a scoop of chips, and a large slice of pie ala mode."

"And a ham sandwich 'in case he gets peckish later on'," Hermione added. Harry nodded in agreement.

"I'm not that bad, am I?" Ron asked.

"Yes, you are," the three oldest Weasley boys said, with the twins nodding in agreement.

"I'm afraid that they are correct, Ron," Arthur said.

"I think you're being too hard on him," Molly said, frowning.

Arthur shook his head. "He's worse than Sirius ever was, Mollywobbles," he said. "Honestly, I don't know how our son stays so skinny, he eats so much."

The room stayed silent for a minute while Molly and Ron thought about what was said, then Draco, who was beginning to feel uncomfortable, began to read again.

"**Come an' see what I've bin growin'," said Hagrid as Harry and Hermione finished the last of their tea.**

**In the small vegetable patch behind Hagrid's house were a dozen of the largest pumpkins Harry had ever seen. Each was the size of a large boulder.**

"**Gettin' on well, aren't they?" said Hagrid happily. "Fer the Halloween feast… should be big enough by then."**

"**What've you been feeding them?" said Harry.**

**Hagrid looked over his shoulder to check that they were alone.**

"**Well, I've bin givin' them — you know — a bit o' help —"**

**Harry noticed Hagrid's flowery pink umbrella leaning against the back wall of the cabin. Harry had had reason to believe before now that this umbrella was not all it looked; in fact, he had the strong impression that Hagrid's old school wand was concealed inside it. Hagrid wasn't supposed to use magic. He had been expelled from Hogwarts in his third year, but Harry had never found out why — any mention of the matter and Hagrid would clear his throat loudly and become mysteriously deaf until the subject was changed.**

"I can understand why," Luna said. "He must have been terribly embarrassed."

"**An Engorgement Charm, I suppose?" said Hermione, halfway between disapproval and amusement. "Well, you've done a good job on them."**

"**That's what yer little sister said," said Hagrid, nodding at Ron. "Met her jus' yesterday." Hagrid looked sideways at Harry, his beard twitching. "Said she was jus' lookin' round the grounds, but I reckon she was hopin' she might run inter someone else at my house." He winked at Harry. "If yeh ask me, **_**she**_** wouldn' say no ter a signed —"**

Ginny moaned loudly, and Harry hugged her tighter. "Just think," he whispered to her, "No one will ever own a 'Harry Potter autograph', but you will always have me." She smiled up at him at that.

"**Oh, shut up," said Harry. Ron snorted with laughter and the ground was sprayed with slugs.**

"**Watch it!" Hagrid roared, pulling Ron away from his precious pumpkins.**

**It was nearly lunchtime and as Harry had only had one bit of treacle fudge since dawn, he was keen to go back to school to eat.**

"And no wonder," Lily said. "After spending a summer half-starved."

**They said good-bye to Hagrid and walked back up to the castle, Ron hiccoughing occasionally, but only bringing up two very small slugs.**

**They had barely set foot in the cool entrance hall when a voice rang out, "There you are, Potter — Weasley." Professor McGonagall was walking toward them, looking stern. "You will both do your detentions this evening."**

"**What're we doing, Professor?" said Ron, nervously suppressing a burp.**

"_**You**_** will be polishing the silver in the trophy room with Mr. Filch," said Professor McGonagall. "And no magic, Weasley — elbow grease."**

The Marauders moaned at this, all having experienced that very detention at _some point _during their school careers.

**Ron gulped. Argus Filch, the caretaker, was loathed by every student in the school.**

"And he loathes us back," Fred said.

"Especially after those boils you gave him last term," Hermione said.

"**And you, Potter, will be helping Professor Lockhart answer his fan mail," said Professor McGonagall.**

"**Oh n — Professor, can't I go and do the trophy room, too?" said Harry desperately.**

"**Certainly not," said Professor McGonagall, raising her eyebrows. "Professor Lockhart requested you particularly. Eight o'clock sharp, both of you."**

"I think she did that on purpose," Harry said, "knowing how much it would torture me. She didn't want us to ever consider flying a car to Hogwarts again."

Minerva smiled smugly.

**Harry and Ron slouched into the Great Hall in states of deepest gloom, Hermione behind them, wearing a **_**well-you-did-break-school-rules**_** sort of expression. Harry didn't enjoy his shepherd's pie as much as he'd thought. Both he and Ron felt they'd got the worse deal.**

They both nodded and glared at each other.

"**Filch'll have me there all night," said Ron heavily. "No magic! There must be about a hundred cups in that room. I'm no good at Muggle cleaning."**

"**I'd swap anytime," said Harry hollowly. "I've had loads of practice with the Dursleys. Answering Lockhart's fan mail… he'll be a nightmare…"**

Petunia had the grace to look slightly ashamed, but she also looked a little proud. Whether it was the fact that Harry was so good at cleaning or something else entirely, no one would ever know.

**Saturday afternoon seemed to melt away, and in what seemed like no time, it was five minutes to eight, and Harry was dragging his feet along the second-floor corridor to Lockhart's office. He gritted his teeth and knocked.**

**The door flew open at once. Lockhart beamed down at him.**

"**Ah, here's the scalawag!" he said. **

Harry shuddered. "I swear, Lockhart took lessons from Professor Dumbledore. Scalawag… dear boy… are you noticing a trend with Professors using terms that are usually associated with little old ladies who own a lot of cats… well, with the exception of Mrs. Figg, that is. She always called me poppet." He shuddered again.

"**Come in, Harry, come in —"**

**Shining brightly on the walls by the light of many candles were countless framed photographs of Lockhart. He had even signed a few of them. Another large pile lay on his desk.**

Tonks looked disgusted. "With an ego that size, it's a miracle he can walk straight.

"**You can address the envelopes!" Lockhart told Harry, as though this was a huge treat.**

"That's supposed to be a detention?" Percy said. "I can't believe Professor McGonagall just let him do that."

"**This first one's to Gladys Gudgeon, bless her — huge fan of mine —"**

**The minutes snailed by. Harry let Lockhart's voice wash over him, occasionally saying, "Mmm" and "Right" and "Yeah." Now and then he caught a phrase like, "Fame's a fickle friend, Harry," or "Celebrity is as celebrity does, remember that."**

Dudley's eyes began to glaze over.

**The candles burned lower and lower, making the light dance over the many moving faces of Lockhart watching him. Harry moved his aching hand over what felt like the thousandth envelope, writing out Veronica Smethley's address. **_**It must be nearly time to leave**_**, Harry thought miserably, **_**please let it be nearly time**_**…**

**And then he heard something — something quite apart from the spitting of the dying candles and Lockhart's prattle about his fans.**

**It was a voice, a voice to chill the bone marrow, a voice of breathtaking, ice-cold venom.**

Dudley whimpered, now alert.

"_**Come… come to me… Let me rip you... Let me tear you... Let me kill you…"**_

Lily's eyes went wide as Dudley let out a loud sob.

**Harry gave a huge jump and a large lilac blot appeared on Veronica Smethley's street.**

"_**What?**_**" he said loudly.**

"**I know!" said Lockhart. "Six solid months at the top of the best-seller list! Broke all records!"**

"What an arrogant idiot," Sirius said, showing his rarely used intelligence.

"**No," said Harry frantically. "That voice!"**

"**Sorry?" said Lockhart, looking puzzled. "What voice?"**

"**That — that voice that said — didn't you hear it?"**

Ree looked at Harry in concern.

"He really did hear something," Hermione said. "He's not mental… well not that kind of mental anyway."

**Lockhart was looking at Harry in high astonishment.**

"**What are you talking about, Harry? Perhaps you're getting a little drowsy? Great Scott — look at the time! We've been here nearly four hours! I'd never have believed it — the time's flown, hasn't it?"**

**Harry didn't answer. He was straining his ears to hear the voice again, but there was no sound now except for Lockhart telling him he mustn't expect a treat like this every time he got detention. Feeling dazed, Harry left.**

"So, to get out of detention," Sirius said, "all I have to do is pretend to hear a voice that doesn't exist?"

James smacked him on the back of the head.

**It was so late that the Gryffindor common room was almost empty. Harry went straight up to the dormitory. Ron wasn't back yet. Harry pulled on his pajamas, got into bed, and waited. Half an hour later, Ron arrived, nursing his right arm and bringing a strong smell of polish into the darkened room.**

"**My muscles have all seized up," he groaned, sinking on his bed. "Fourteen times he made me buff up that Quidditch cup before he was satisfied. And then I had another slug attack all over a Special Award for Services to the School. Took ages to get the slime off… How was it with Lockhart?"**

"How do you think?" Harry asked rhetorically.

**Keeping his voice low so as not to wake Neville, Dean, and Seamus, Harry told Ron exactly what he had heard.**

"**And Lockhart said he couldn't hear it?" said Ron. Harry could see him frowning in the moonlight. "D'you think he was lying? But I don't get it — even someone invisible would've had to open the door."**

"**I know," said Harry, lying back in his four-poster and staring at the canopy above him. "I don't get it either."**

"Is someone going to get killed?" Sirius asked.

"No, Sirius," Harry said. "No one will get killed."

"Oh," Sirius said, "Not even Snape?"

"No not even Snape," Harry said in a monotone.

"What if he was doing the killing?" Sirius asked.

"While he is capable of killing someone, he did not kill anyone in Hogwarts," Harry said dully.

The room was silent for a moment while Percy accepted the book from Draco, and poured himself a cup of tea.

"So… Snape," James said, breaking the silence. "How many people have you killed?"

"It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive," Severus replied.

"That's deep," Sirius said. "Oh. Dear. Merlin. I just admired something that _Snape_ said.

* * *

**50 points: There are two hidden movie quotes in this chapter. They are from the same movie. What movie is it? I'll give you a hint... Think Bruce Willis.**


End file.
